How do you cope with a mum-dependent DS1 when DC2 arrives?

[Karuna13]

I'm 5 months pregnant with our 2nd baby and am beginning to move from the euphoria of getting pregnant to anticipating the practicalities of trying to introduce a baby into family life!

DS1 is 4 and I tend to be the one who does the bedtime routine, baths, etc. When we do try for DP to do these DS1 ends up having a major tantrum; but they have been away together without me and have been fine.

I really don't want DS1 to feel pushed out by the baby but can't imagine how I'll be able to handle DS1's bedtime routine and bf and put babe to bed sleep too.

This is the obvious thing that's on my mind at the mo but I'm sure there's lots else I'll need to get my head round too.

So, any tips or tricks from all those Mums of 2+ out there?

[RuthChan]

It will be a big adjustment for the entire family when DC2 arrives, but it's one that all of you will cope with.
Having a second child doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be able to continue doing DS1's bedtime routine, but you may need to be a little more flexible about it.
In the beginning you may well find that after a feed, DC2 will sleep allowing you some time to bathe and put DS1 to bed.
When DC2 gets a little bigger, you will find that he/she becomes a part of the routine and joins DS1 in the bath too.

The change does not have to be as traumatic as you might expect. My DD was really clingy and entirely mummy orientated in everything she did. I was worried about her being jealous when DS came along and how I would cope with both. It's hard, but somehow it works out.
Newborns are demanding on your time, but I read books etc and played with DD while BFing DS. I also tried to make some time with DD while DS was napping.
Your routines and timings may change a little, but you will soon find that each member of the family adjusts to fit the new situation.
Try to involve DS1 as much as possible in the new baby's care so that he feels a part of everything.
Good luck!

[SparklyJules]

My DS was 4 when DS arrived. Having always been the one to do bedtime, it was suddenly DH who had to take over. DD was old enough at 4 to understand why, and just accepted the new routine. I was both surprised and proud of her as usually she would tantrum if I didn't do it.

Don't underestimate your DS or tie yourself in knots trying to see the future, children of 4 often are very accepting of new babies, much better than 2yr olds!

[Karuna13]

Thanks Ruthchan and Sparkly, DS1 IS v positive and excited about the baby at the moment and, although having quite this big an age gap wasn't planned, I'm hoping that this'll mean he'll understand more of what's going on but I'm just thinking back to that 'witching hour' from late afternoon onwards with a newborn when there's lots of grizzles and perma-feeding and wondering how it will all work.

Maybe it's just 2nd baby wobbles! I wasn't sure how I was going to manage when DS1 arrived but somehow the latent parenting skills emerged from somewhere!

But, seriously, any other practical tips would be hugely appreciated.

[onceamai]

We have a similar gap although they are both at secondary now. Was dreading the arrival of dc2 because ds had had so much attention -we really expected the worst - and I was terribly terribly worried.

The only negative thing that happened was when he looked in the cot at hospital and said "hmm, I wanted a brother". Never looked back after that though - and he was the kindest sweetest big brother a dd could have had.

tip 1: in the cot was a wrapped up present for him for the baby (and that he still remembers)

tip 2: get the gp's or a couple of close friends to send him a card, congratulating him on being a big brother.

tip 3: say to him occasionally - oh s/he's making such a terrible noise shall we put him/her in the cot for 20 minutes and shut the door and have a game - teaches the baby to cry her/himself to sleep pretty well too [embarassed]

tip 4: go with the flow and when it goes tits up remember it isn't your fault it happens to all of us.

[onceamai]

PS: let us know how it goes.

[alphamummy]

tip 3 is not a tip its an example of bad parenting. 20 mins ffs

[Karuna13]

Not sure about the leaving to cry bit but making sure there's a present for DS from the baby and he gets lots of fuss for being a big brother sounds a great idea.

[Jacksterbear]

I have a 3.10yo DS and a 2mo DD. My top tip is this sling; I put DD in it when she won't settle (a lot!) and it allows me to play with DS, get his dinner ready etc.

Also before DD arrived we made a big deal about her being DS's baby, and talked about ways he cloud help look after her etc. Don't know if it's as a result of that but he adores her, no jealousy at all. (Yet .)

There's a lot I haven't got sorted yet though, in particular the bedtime routine - we are still all over the place atm, so will be watching for tips from others!

[goldenticket]

My top tip would be to ease DH into the bedtime routine for DS1 from right now. Can you invent an evening course which means you go out from 6-8 (or whatever) 2 nights a week? That way DS1 will get used to someone other than you doing the evening routine and crucially, DH can develop his own strategies for dealing with any upsets or tantrums (and indeed, the way he would like to do things - much easier to work these things out before witching hour with a new baby comes along).

HTH

[Jacksterbear]

I agree with onceamai (maybe not the length of time though) in that I think it's important to be seen sometimes to be ignoring DC2 momentarily / putting DC1 first - even if this means leaving DC2 crying briefly. Otherwise all DC1 ever hears is "not now, I'm dealing with the baby" (they still have to hear it a lot, even so).

Also I agree with the ides of making DC1 feel like you are on his/her side re the baby crying - we talk about how it makes us feel, I say it makes me feel sad and sometimes a bit cross and frustrated but that doesn't mean I don't love the baby, and he agrees that's how he feels too.

[mathanxiety]

Really at 'tip 3' there.

I recommend the sling. Also recommend putting a comfortable chair in DS's room so you can sit there, bfing and reading a nighttime book for DS1, or your DH could sit there either, reading or whatever the bedtime routine demands. Sometimes it's nice and more acceptable if the DH does something different from what you do -- if you read, then maybe DH could sing, etc.

I would be inclined to cut the nightly bath out of DS1's routine if he has one. Trying to fit in a bath as well as new baby care can be a huge hassle -- or you could have the DH take over the nightly bath. A bath while the baby takes an afternoon nap can work too.


I agree that easing DS1 into the new routine would be best done sooner rather than later.

The DH can spend more time with the DS during the day or at weekends too -- at 4 this is really beneficial to the DS. They could spend time kicking a ball around, or the DS could 'help' with manly tasks like gardening or cleaning out the car, or the shed or whatever.


Praising the DS1 for being a great big brother, etc. can introduce the idea that he is now moving into a different role. That is why I think this would be a great opportunity to teach putting aside our frustrations etc., and taking care of the helpless baby -- I think it's important for the older child to be told that once they were tiny and needed mummy all the time but now they're older they can be the helper and can appreciate how the baby needs mummy too. I think children can get distressed when a baby is left to cry and don't feel too bad when mum attends to the baby. Not bad enough to warrant leaving the baby to cry anyhow.

Having people send him cards, and a present from him to the baby are lovely ideas.


Second babies tend to fit in with the established routine. But I would be inclined to say 'Wait until I'm finished with the baby' 9 times out of 10 if you're busy, and not leave the baby crying. It's really important for children aged about 3 or 4 to learn that mummy is not constantly at their beck and call, and it's important for babies to be responded to promptly. It's an entirely appropriate developmental milestone for a 3 or 4 yo to pass through -- learning to wait for attention is an extremely important skill, for school as well as for the rest of your life, as is appreciating the idea that someone else's needs may occasionally come before yours. Otherwise, you create a rod to beat yourself with.

[RuthChan]

Some interesting tips here.

I would say that it is important to give both DCs attention when they need it.
DS1 needs to learn that he is no longer the only child in your life and that sometimes he has to wait for his younger sibling to be seen to.
However, he shouldn't feel replaced. There must be times when he sees that you are prepared to pass screaming DC2 to someone else or even to leave him crying alone for a minute or two because DS1 needs you more.

You can help prepare DS for the arrival of his sibling by reading some books together.

www.amazon.co.uk/Waiting-Baby-New-Annie-Kubler/dp/0859539733/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1289933941&sr=8-2&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/My-New-Baby/dp/0859539741/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289934080&sr=1-8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

These two have no text, just pictures showing different aspects of pregnancy and having a new born. You describe them and discuss them in your own words.

It will help prepare your DS for life with a little one.

[Karuna13]

Thanks for all the suggestions,

Making changes before baby arrives sounds v sensible. I just need to ride out the tantrums as DS squeals 'but I want mummy to do it!'

The sling also sounds great - something I was planning to use anyway but hadn't thought about how helpful it'd be in spending time with DS.

Thanks again everyone.

[TheUnmentioned]

ds was 3y9m when ds arrived 7 weeks ago- i did everything for him until i was taken into hospital at 41 weeks - he coped just fine. absolutely no ill effects at all.