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Awful mummy -can anyone beat this?

(25 Posts)
bumbly Tue 09-Nov-10 21:16:26

I really take a grudge and i know i shouldn't but then again my 3 1/2 year old is very clever and has exaserbated me

today whenever i wanted to help him at playgroup he said no

no to help with bike

no to help with drawing etc

no when i said he would bein nursery nativity play

no to me singing at playgroup

then said think he needed a poo and took his hand to go to potty and then there and then he peed on living room floor

and i think deliberately

so i have been mean - been quiet and since late this afternoon and ignoring him but not shouting at him, i calmly took away his beloved star chart, said no more playgroups for him if we can not do anything there, no more swimming since he never goes in pool, no more nice sweaters since today whoever complimented him about his he whinged back, and have constantly repeated to him that i won't teach him anything anymore as he is always saying no no no to me..never get a yes

so feel bad that i keep a grudge so long on a three year old - but then he is clever

since then he has been trying to hug me all night and said he would not scream whinge or moan again - he is that clever and i think he knows why i got low and started crying..the peeing has really got to me...he has now regressed to peeing out of the blue

but i said too late in a calm voice...and gave him milk and stories and put him to bed with i love you but nothing more

short and simple

but think went overboard with the grudge

how can is top doing that?

can anyone beat that?

Hassled Tue 09-Nov-10 21:22:46

You mention a couple of times that he's clever, and I'm sure he is - and that's exactly why he wants to be independent and do stuff at playgroup on his own. He's not deliberately being mean to you, he's just testing himself and what he can manage - which goes to show that he's growing up a bit and developing exactly as he should be.

That said, it doesn't sound like he's been especially nice and he also needs to learn that his actions do affect other people. So don't beat yourself up about it - but remember he's still very little - old enough to want some independence but too young and immature to really understand what's going on with the people around him.

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:26:04

Hi, just wanted to say, we all have our off days, but I think you were a bit OTT. Pleased to hear that you gave a nice night time with hugs and love yous.

YOu say he is clever, in what context do you mean, do you mean that he has manipulated you?

Tomorrow is a new day.

bumbly Tue 09-Nov-10 21:26:32

thanks for support becuase yes even my mum has commented on him being a real not nice kid to me

he is veyr clever and snesitive and clingy but now at the same time as being clingy not wanting any advice/help/support/compliments

how i am going to manage the next ferw months esp with his nbow peeing everywhere who knows

and by the way i only start my grudge after he really has bieen a S*&t! to me

bumbly Tue 09-Nov-10 21:27:15

clever = bright

manipulative - aren't all toddlers?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 09-Nov-10 21:29:09

They all go through the stubborn independent testing phase, he is very young.

Bit sad that your mum said he is not a nice kid.

winnybella Tue 09-Nov-10 21:30:00

Just let him get on with it. No need for you to be hovering over him offering help with everything. He's 3yo, not a baby.

You were a bit mean. It would have been enough to withdraw a priviledge for a day or something similar- holding a grudge against a 3 yo is silly. I mean, nothing wrong with showing that you were upset by his behaviour (if indeed it was that bad, doesn't really seem like it from your op) but it's a bit cruel to give him a silent treatment and withrawing of the chart, threatening to stop the pool etc.

lal123 Tue 09-Nov-10 21:30:57

am sad that you could hold a grudge against a 3 year old - where do you think they learn their behaviour from? It's natural for a toddler to start to assert their independance - he's not doing this to get to you!

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:31:19

I think "holding a grudge" is not the way to get on with things. It encourages game playing on both sides.

He has been hard work today, but fresh start tomorrow. If he does not want your input at playgroup, maybe just leave him to it.

Someone said on a thread the other day there, and I will paraphrase- It is not about them fitting in with you, it is about them letting you into their world. Do you try and lead play when you interact with him? Follow his lead.

Don't feel bad.

aristomache Tue 09-Nov-10 21:31:21

I bore a grudge against teeange DS for a LOT longer than a day when he was at his awfulest.

I didn't even realise I was doing it to be honest, but when I did - it shocked me.

aristomache Tue 09-Nov-10 21:31:43

Is awfulest a word? confused

bumbly Tue 09-Nov-10 21:35:05

mum said thast cuz is true he really is not nice to me sometimes

will try and not hold grudges but need a way to snap out of this viscoius cycle

he really is getting to me tonmight - off ot bed now

i todl him today no play with him

and guess what he replied

he said "but i rpomise i will let you do the story" - he kn ows he never plays nicely with me.... and i said too late as he never ever lets me even have a say when playing

he is not good at sharing anything

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:36:29

Sorry- not really getting what you are getting at with the clever/bright thing. It seems that you feel like he is able to get one over you. Remember you are the adult and the one in control. He is not cleverer than you!

And no, I do not think toddlers are manipulative, I think they try their mite to get their way, but I am in charge and I say what goes! ((((thumps fist down!!)))))))

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 09-Nov-10 21:36:55

Seriously you really should stop trying to win in games with him, he is only 3.

I know it's hard though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 09-Nov-10 21:38:02

Games= mind games

Ithappenedheretoo Tue 09-Nov-10 21:38:21

You sound like a five year old. Grow up.

And yes, you do sound pretty awful.

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:39:22

bumbly

I think you really really need to get out of the thinking that he is "not being nice to you". He is a toddler, he has no clue that what he is doing is having such an effect.

What other support do you have?

anotherbrickinthewall Tue 09-Nov-10 21:39:52

it's normal for 3 year olds to be wilful, selfish PITAs, I know that the behaviour can be draining, but you need to get your head into a space where you are taking it less personally. what was your relationship with your mum like, out of interest? did she think you were a difficult child? just wondering if your mum might have unrealistic expectations of children full stop, that are colouring how you see your DS.

ForMashGetSmash Tue 09-Nov-10 21:40:17

He's three! What do you mean by repeatedly saying "He's not nice to me" "he's not nice with me" as if YOU were bloody three

Pull yourself together and grow up...they don't know about being nice paying off...they're learning!
To "go quiet" on a child this young is out of order.

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:41:49

ithappenedhereto HARSH! Bumbly is on here asking for a bit of support not a bashing. I think she is pretty aware that she didn't handle things well.

fanjo I am so with you.

thisisyesterday Tue 09-Nov-10 21:42:04

does he not go to playgroup by himself at 3.5?

i thinik you're being extremely harsh on him actually.
withdrawing from a child is as bad as shouting and going OTT with punishments in my opinion

you are his world. you are the person he looks up to and loves and he WANTS you to love him. how do you think he feels being ignored by you all day?

you say he's been "trying" to hug you all night- i presume from that you didn't reciprocate? it makes me feel really sad

he is a small child. he is doing what small children do. they need to learn to be independent. of course they want to play stuff their own way, they have so little control over their lives that play is the one thing THEY get the say over.

ForMashGetSmash Tue 09-Nov-10 21:44:32

Thatsmymonkey....it sounds like the OP needs a harsh word though. She's whining about her three year old "Not being nice" That's what they do! It is so not in order to play mind games with a toddler!

thatsnotmymonkey Tue 09-Nov-10 21:52:03

formashget I know what you are saying, I just wonder how useful it is to tell someone what they all ready know harshly, when they are reaching out by posting.

I agree with you, and I think we are all in agreement, bumbly had a crap day and needs to rethink how she interacts with her son. I am not sure telling her she is crap is helping with that.

Anyway, I don't like to fight with anyone on here, so I will leave it there. It is a question of semantics really as the message is the same.

Dando Tue 09-Nov-10 21:57:27

I agree that withdrawal of affection and all the nice things in his day was pretty ott, given that what he has done is simply normal developmentally.

He's not doing these things to get at you, or get one over on you. Chalk it up to a bad day and have a lovely time tomorrow. He's completely normal and he adores you. If you praise and notice his good behaviour, ignore or distract him from the bad and only discipline him if completely necessary - I bet you'll find you have to do a lot less of it.

Don't hold a grudge - he's only small.

anonyma Tue 09-Nov-10 23:25:59

Namechanged for anonymity.

You've already had some good advice here and you know you must stop this.

A lot of his "unreasonable behaviour" may actually be in response to your childish inconsistency and manipulation. You're the adult in this relationship and shouldn't expect rational behaviour from a kid this age.

You sound very like my own mother who is an intelligent but emotionally immature woman who has done things like this for my entire life.

The ironic thing is that I never had the motivations or intentions she ascribed to me. Yes, I was clever too but I still didn't know anything or understand why my mother would behave like this/ Everything I did as a child was just because I was a child. I wasn't consciously trying to manipulate her, hurt her etc.. but she responded as though I was and this was baffling and hurtful.

In my mid-thirties, I still avoid exposing any area of emotional vulnerability or even uncertainty in front of my mother in case she uses it to hurt me. I can't tell her or anyone else I'm close to when I'm genuinely happy or sad or frightened. Some people think I'm just a very calm person but it's actually more complicated than that.

I love my mother very much but this kind of behaviour has had a very real and negative effect on me.

Please don't do this to your son.

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