Fathers not bonding with their sons

[temponame]

Does anyone know of any popular psychology website book or similar which might explain why a father might not bond with his (now 6 month old biological) son. There is also a 2 year old daughter in the family (biological daughter) whom he adores and has a strong bond with. Any theories or resources gratefully recieved thanks

[pancakequeen]

My DH did not bond DS at all until he was about 2 1/2 now they are absolutely the best of friends. In "Raising Boys" the author suggests that the mother son bond is very strong for the first three years until the son starts to identify himself as a male and then gets closer to their dad.

Obviously this is a very broad generalisation, what do you mean by not bonding? does dh help with the care at all?
HTH x

[Roo83]

I agree with pp-ds is 2.5yrs and it's only recently oh has started to really bond with him. Dd is 9 wks and he hasn't really bonded with her yet either

[temponame]

thanks
son is 6 months
a lot of marital non communication issues also going on and I am having difficulty not being confused about the whole thing. swing between feeling hurt that DH is not bonding to thinking they will get to know each other later
no he doesnt do any of the day to day care but then he didnt really do any with my daughter however he thinks she is the cutest (which she is) my son it it much more of a duty thing
i really dont know what it is all about

[cory]

well tbh I would have difficulty sympathising with him if he wasn't trying the most obvious thing first- being involved in the day to day care

(like someone complaining they've got a headache and not taking a painkiller)

if he has managed to bond with his dd without doing this, he has been lucky, but this is not how most dads manage it

even for a lot of mums bonding is something that happens because you are right in there and you have to deal with it and gradually you find that it changes your relationship- mums don't get the luxury of refusing to do the dirty jobs and then complaining that they aren't bonding

don't be cross with him because he's got a problem- be cross if he won't address it

[temponame]

thanks cory, yes you are right of course. I guess maybe it is an exaggeration to say he is not involved. He is quite old fashioned although relatively young (35). He doesnt do any of the nappy changing, feeding, bathing or dressing. He does do the decorating of the nursery/diy, puts little ones in the car when we are going out and will push a buggy when we are all out together. He plays a lot with my daughter (more than I do). So yes it he is involved but not in a 50-50 kind of way. However I have been surprised at the slightly distanced approach he has taken to my son compared with my daughter when she was tiny when he would hold her when she was crying etc. Sometimes I wonder whether he is somehow jealous of my son where he never was of my daughter but then I think i am probably seeing shadows which arent there. It is all a bit confusing. It is true my son is very attached to me and often stops crying instantly I pick him up and he loves breastfeeing etc in a way which my daughter did not. I don't know. It is getting me down a bit. There is probably no answer to this one

[bacon]

Hubby (34)not impressed with babies at all - absolutely hated the crying and the non-conformance. Just got fustrated and walked out and hid in workshop whenever asked to participate with being the perfect father. It upset me and left me exhausted, totally unhelpful and very selfish. Really I will never forgive him for his unhelpfulness. I was left bringing them both up alone. Hardly ever went out (he always worked). Avoided looking after them when I needed to get out.

On the plus side, DS1 now 5 they get on great and DS2 nearly 2 starting to enjoy him but he will never play with them like a proper father. Rather a more pratical parent would rather do the maintenance thing or bike ride. Wouldnt dream of building blocks or drawing.

I think that there is far too much talk of this instant love when a baby is born. Never talk about bonding coming with time. I didnt bond with DS1 for months and months.