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If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

(188 Posts)
MorrisZapp Wed 20-Oct-10 21:21:15

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

mummychicken Wed 20-Oct-10 21:47:44

I didn't get that "rush" people talk about with DS. For the first few weeks he was something to care for because I had to. Slowly,just the thought of him could bring me to tears because I couldn't believe how much I loved that little boy. I don't remember a specific thought of "Oh I love him now", it just sort of crept up.

IMO if people were more honest about this stuff rather than saying what is expected, there would probably be less women with PND and feeling like failures.

My DS has just turned 3 and he says 2 things that break my heart

1) Mummy, I love you very, very much
2) You are my best friend in the whole world.

You are not alone and you will get there smile

MogTheForgetfulCat Wed 20-Oct-10 21:47:53

Oh yes, with DS1 I spent the first 2 weeks sobbing and thinking 'Oh FFS, what have I DONE?!' Then another few weeks feeling quite numb and shell-shoecked (he was a terrible sleeper) but somehow resigned to my fate.

The first smiles (5-6 weeks, I think) were a bit of a turning point, and one day, somehow, I just fell absolutely head over heels with him. I completely adore him now. Spent quite a long time feeling guilty about the fact that I hadn't fallen in love with him straightaway (especially when that did happen with DS2), but that was pointless. I love him now, I couldn't possibly love him any more - he makes my heart ache with lovesmile. It will happen.

Zoopy Wed 20-Oct-10 21:51:18

I never felt that huge wave of maternal love for about 3 months.

DH and I married under the agreement that we weren't going to have children. 8 years down the line DH changed his mind and asked me if I wanted to try for a child and see what happened. It was a yes/no question and I knew that if I'd said no our marriage would probably have run it's course and I'd have to let him go, so that he could be the Dad he wanted to be but with someone else.

Anyways...I decide I loved DH enough to at least try this parenting thing..only the once mind you (we now have 3 DC's!) so off we go and start trying. smile

Out comes my coil...two weeks later I am officially pregnant! shock It wasn't supposed to be that quick, I was supposed to have time to get used to this baby lark, what happened to all the 'trying' to conceive??!

9 months later baby arrives....until DC1 was born I'd never even held a baby! This little person screamed - a lot, it pooped - frequently, it fed from me at all hours, it was sooooo bloomin' small!

I used to gaze into the pram wondering where the other Mums got this whoosh of love from, I was full of practical caring but just didn't 'feel' very caring/loving....until one day DC1 was shuffling/rolling about and nearly pulled something off the sofa onto himself...well there it was that whooshy caring gooey feeling, the awe at his strength, the wonder of him being soooo agile and I grew him (Go me!)...my baby the wonder child!

Anyhow enough gushing from me...grin

For me as I'd never intended to have children I think that it all happening so quick took me completely by surprise. I'm sure I was in 'shock' but eventually mother nature took over and I finally got the whooshy I love my baby feeling.

We aren't all made the same, have the same back story to becoming a parent or have the same time scales for our emotions.

I'm sure you will have your whooshy moment when you are ready as well. smile

bundlebelly Wed 20-Oct-10 21:51:30

Yes, something will touch your heart, and the bond of love will grow in time. For me it was the first proper eye contact. Don't worry x

faeriefruitcake Wed 20-Oct-10 21:52:30

Read the study From here to Maternity, not the book by Sinead Moriarty.

Many new mothers do not have the overwhelming rush that we are all expecting to have. It takes time to get to know our little people.

I didn't get it with my first two but with my youngest I did. But that was because he looked so much like his older sister I felt i already knew him.

Ceebee74 Wed 20-Oct-10 21:54:10

I didn't get that 'rush' of love with either of my 2 boys tbh. I think another poster has hit the nail on the head that I cared for them in the first few weeks because I had to...but on the other hand, I was totally obsessed with them but not in 'love' with them iyswim.

With DS1, unfortunately he had to have an operation at 7 weeks old...and my heart broke when I had to hand him over to the nurse and I suddenly realised that I was totally in love with him and couldn't imagine life without him.

DS2 - there was no defining moment where I 'fell in love' with him. Initially I sat there thinking 'what the hell have I done to DS1's life' as DS1 did not react very well to DS2's arrival and I felt so guilty about that! It was more gradual but it did come and I am head over heels in love with my 2 gorgeous boys now grin

BitterAndTwistedGoreDodger Wed 20-Oct-10 21:55:46

DS was a long painful labour and by the time he was born all I wanted was a shower and a sleep. It took me weeks to feel he was actually mine, then one day he smiled at me and my heart just melted.

DD was mostly an inconvenience for about 3 months blush but I was less worried as I knew I would fall in love with her in time.

They are now 5 and nearly 2, and I cannot describe how much I love them or how much joy they bring me.

3 weeks is nothing, and it may not be a rush of love, just a deepening fondness until one day you realise that you are really in love.

JetLi Wed 20-Oct-10 22:00:28

DD terrified me. DP was utterly wonderful with her (thank God) whereas I was all fingers & thumbs and just couldn't seem to connect with her at all. It so hard to explain. He fell head over heels in love with her from the moment her saw her - it didn't happen for me. BF had been a nightmare but that gradually improved after a few weeks. I faked it quite a bit - sort of quietly copied what he did when he talked to her or held her, copied his tone of voice - and then suddenly I wasn't faking it anymore smile she is my whole world now. I never quite realised you could love someone as much as this. I think for me it was the shock of it all like Mog. I'd spent such an anxious pregnancy (but a very easy pregnancy in hindsight), I think I never really expected there to be an actual baby at the end of it IYSWIM.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit Wed 20-Oct-10 22:02:57

I never got the rush of love. I did care for him in every way but it was a slow growing thing. I can't remember at what point he became the most important thing in my life but don't stress about it. It will happen, I promise

SlaughteredSheep Wed 20-Oct-10 22:03:28

I remember feeling like DD wasn't mine. She was just a baby that I was looking after. Such an odd feeling!

One day I looked at her and she was asleep in her rocker with her mouth open and I thought, "aww, how cute!"

Now she's 3 and I'm sooo in love with her! Everything that she does makes me burst with pride. We got her preschool pictures yesterday and she looked sooo beautiful in them, I could have cried! All smiley and happy.

LeninGhoul Wed 20-Oct-10 22:07:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CitrusZest Wed 20-Oct-10 22:08:04

I've always felt hugely guilty that I didn't feel the expected rush of love for DD1. I was overwhelmed and, as another poster said, obsessed with her. I remember the first time she smiled I burst into tears because I was so moved and realised I adored her. I think the enormity of the responsibilty overshadowed my feelings. I did feel the rush for DD2 though.

CherryMonstersUnderTheBed Wed 20-Oct-10 22:19:18

i didnt get chance to bond properly with ds1 when he was first born. throughout my pregnancy i had fully intended to breastfeed him, but after a 32 hour induced labour at 39 weeks i was too exhausted. i had quite a few stitches too, so spent the first couple of day rather uncomfortable, then developed an infection in the stitches which took another 2 days to settle with IV antibiotics. when i finally got to take him home at 5 days old, my (at the time) partner had done no housework at all, the only room in the house which was clean and tidy was the nursery, so i came home and immediately started cleaning, washing, doing bottles etc. ds1 was a difficult baby and never slept for more than an hour at a time, and i honestly cant remember if or when i did feel that rush of love. to be honest, i am not entirely sure i ever did, he is nearly 12 now and i still find him difficult to deal with, but i do love him very very much, and he is fiercely protective of me.

CherryMonstersUnderTheBed Wed 20-Oct-10 22:20:29

oh, and i have gone on to have 3 more dc's, and had the immediate rush of love with all of them. (much easier circumstances surrounding the births). now i know that i do love all of them the same amount, but in different ways.

TheFowlAndThePussycat Wed 20-Oct-10 22:23:57

I had rocky starts with both my two, both c-sections, big struggles with feeding dd1 then dh suffered 2 bereavements in her first 6 weeks sad. Dd2 was prem & in nicu for the first 8 days, tube feeding, expressing - ugh, it was all dreadful. It took 3 months with both of them to really fall in love, but I adore them now! I know lots of people who felt the same. It'll happen!

grapeandlemon Wed 20-Oct-10 22:30:56

I had an awful birth and PND so although I cared for DD meticulously I didn't bond until 4 weeks, which wasn't a rush of love process but more of a slow "getting to know you" kind of love.

SpurtingJugulars Wed 20-Oct-10 22:33:49

You don't need to read a book - in fact don't even think about it. It'll screw your mind ecen more.

Are you getting the theme here? It can be instantaneous, take minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years.

You do love him and at a given point between now and somewhen in the future, you will be in love with him.

You so will - relax and enjoy your little man. Look at his teeniest of the weeniest fingernails, his incy wincy eyelashes, his little legs that are less scrunched up day by day and his lovely little dimpley knuckles. Most importantly - look at the way he gazes at you. That's all you need to know - he loves you and you will sooner or later be so in love with him.

You will be so fine x

BigChiefWalnut Wed 20-Oct-10 22:35:58

I was a bit the same as JetLi. I was a very doubtful that i would actually get a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy. I even didn't find out the sex as i was so terrified something would go wrong and if i knew the sex i would have bonded with the baby. Looking back i did actively stop myself from caring and was scared to 'temt fate' and imagine having a baby.

So when DD was born I felt like I had to not only accept the baby but also the pregnancy all at once. I was consumed by her and terrified something bad would happen, I didn't sleep incase she got ill in the night and I wouldn't leave her for a minute.

She is 6 months now and i just adore her, I feel I have relaxed into being a parent and am utterly in love with her. I find it a very calming feeling to be so completly sure of that love, it is so uncomplicated and secure.

Unlike some of the other posters i have never had a rush of love moment, it has been a gradual increase which keeps getting stronger everyday. Even though now I think I couldn't possible love her anymore than i already do I bet that in a week i will.

TheFowlAndThePussycat Wed 20-Oct-10 22:37:43

Oh yes, what spurtingjugulars said grin

BlackFLAMECandle Wed 20-Oct-10 22:50:18

I didn't with Flameboy.

I had always pictured myself with two girls, and him being a boy meant all my images of the future changing.

At about nine weeks old I looked at him sleeping in his crib and had this sudden amazing rush of "that's my son. i have a boy". I don't remember much about his first few months, but that one moment Will be with me forever.

It took a while to happen though.

TerrysNo2 Wed 20-Oct-10 22:51:48

Oh gosh, don't worry, you will soon be wondering how it is possible to love someone so much you want to squeeze them forever (although not recommended!!)

for me, it felt totally like a new relationship, in the beginning it was awe and wondering whether this was the right relationship for me (sometimes wanted to pop him back inside!) and little things he did would make me smile, first smile, first gurgle and slowly but surely my love has grown and feels bigger every day (there was also a direct correlation between hours of sleep and love for me smile)

whatever you do, now is not the time to worry about it, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your lovely baby and the love will take care of itself!!

Enjoy these days, they grow so quickly!

TerrysNo2 Wed 20-Oct-10 22:53:45

Oh yes, and the feeling of pride that you have made this amazing thing is overwhelming. When people say to me "DS is ..." (insert gushing compliment) I say: "yes, I made him"!! grin

JetLi Wed 20-Oct-10 22:58:26

Gosh yes! I repeated to myself daily - hourly sometimes - that she would never be so little again

smile

They grow so fast as Terrys says

MardyBra Wed 20-Oct-10 23:02:25

About 3 weeks with DC1 - extremely difficult birth resulting in emergency C section plus really trouble establishing bf plus DD was in incubator for jaundice some of the time. Looking back I was a wreck for the first couple of weeks.

About a week for DC2 - a less tricky birth and I was more relaxed, I knew it would come.

Agree with mummychicken's description of "caring for them" but there was definitely a rush of completely overwhelming love later.

I think it's a bit of a taboo because there is an expectation of immediate overwhelming emotion. Midwives, etc, suggest lots of skin to skin contact to get the hormones going...

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