Leaving 3 yr old for a week - having major doubts

[Kitsilano]

It is my oldest friend's 40th birthday and she has invited me to go away with her for a week - with some other women - to an amazing resort, accommodation all paid for. It will mean leaving my 5.5 yr old and just 3 yr old with my DH for a week. My friend lives on the other side of the world and I haven't seen her in 6 years.

I was initially thinking why on earth shouldn't I do this, it's the trip of a lifetime?

But now I am beginning to worry that this is too long to leave my 3 yr old. My husband and I had a weekend away recently (first time in 2 years) and when we got back my DD2 was pretty clingy. I cant make the trip shorter as it is a VERY long way and the flights are on air miles - I've looked to see if I could come back earlier but nothing available.

I would be so disappointed to cancel, but I know I will miss my DDs and I feel selfish to go if it will have a bad effect on her.

She will be with her dad though, when she's not at nursery.

What do you think?

[RamblingRosa]

You've got to just go with your gut instinct. I've got friends who've left younger DCs than yours for longer periods of time to go to the other side of the world and they loved it.

I personally find it really hard to leave DD (3) for even one night. That doesn't mean it's wrong to do it if it feels right for you and your DD though.

I think there's no right answer. You just have to go on your instincts I think.

[Haliborange]

I would go. You were both away with your previous trip, but this time she'll be with her daddy. She'll miss you but you can phone and she'll learn that mummy may go away but will come back again. It'll be ok.

[Orissiah]

I agree, you should go and hopefully it will be easier on your younger DD this time as one of her parents will be home with her.

My 2.4 year old DD is used to being left with her grandma or one of her parents as DH works whole weeks away on business and the two of us have been on week-long (or more) holidays without her. She says, "Mummy and/or Daddy have gone on an aeroplane to work" and accepts it now.

Hopefully your DD will get used to it over time too then you can go away more regularly :-)

[LynetteScavo]

I left DD when she was three (but nearer 4 than your DD) for a week.

I sobbed my eyes out all the way across the Atlantic, but the whole time I was away I knew she was being brilliantly cared for by DH.

I think you should go.

[Kitsilano]

Thanks for the advice. I keep trying to tell myself it's different cos DH will there but I I feel guilty at the thought of her needing ME and me not being there.

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

I am having worries about leaving my dd2 (nearly 2 still breastfeeding)overnight next weekend. I know she will be well looked after but I also know I will miss her and she will give dh hell at night (I hope she won't but ...).

So I sympathise but really a 3 year old will not be affected in any long term way by this. When she is 25 she won't be saying 'Mum when I was 3 you left me for a week and I still resent you for it!!!' but you will remember the (hopefully) wonderful week away with your friends for the rest of your life. You are not leaving her alone she is with her Dad.

So if you can embrace this opportunity then do so, good luck.

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

Talk to your 3yr old about it. You might be surprised.

I'm going away for the first time in January (with dh) for my 30th. It's only one night but I have never left dd before, even for an evening. I have been in a right old tizz about it. But I talked to dd about it and she reassured me. She told me what she'd like to do with grandma while I'm away, asked if I'd bring her back a present etc.

I found it really reassuring to know that she understood and was okay with it.

[Kitsilano]

Thanks Bigmouth - that does put it into perspective.

This would be a MAJOR trip with one of my oldest and best friends, to an amazing place, without kids or husband for the first time in many years and probably the last time for many more years.

But knowing my DD I wouldn't put it past her to make a note of it and remind me of it for years to come...

[lifeinagoldfishbowl]

I am a nanny (proffesional) and have had to work with children whose parents go away for a night/weekend/week and in a last position 6 weeks.

The children tend to get on with it - as goes the saying out of sight out of mind - yes sometimes they have down days or say well Mummy/Daddy lets me but most part they continue with their daily activities school/nursery etc and their daily routine tea/bath/bed and find there's no time to miss Mummy/Daddy.

[RunningOutOfIdeas]

My DH frequently goes away for work for several weeks. DD (2.6) understands that he goes on a plane for work. As long as her usual routine is not changed, she seems fine with him going away. When he returns she has occasionally been a little bit different. For example, one time she refused to allow him to read her a story at bedtime, but that only lasted one night. She also tends to turn to me more for comfort than him, especially just after he returns.

DD is just starting to understand days of the week, so I can show her on a calendar when he will be home. We also look at an atlas to see where he is going, which she enjoys.

So, I think you should go on your trip. Your DD is old enough to understand how long you will be going for and that you will be back. Before you go, it is important that your DH is well used to all the morning and eveniing rituals.

Finally, with my DD the inevitable present on DH's return seems to help make things OK!

[cory]

I would be a bit sad if I didn't feel my dcs were close enough to their father to be left with him at that age; I did leave them to go to conferences about once a year, and it never felt different from when dh had to go away for work; of course the missing parent was missed but they didn't feel abandoned

[jcp123]

I'm in the same boat! I have to visit client in Hobart (I live in UK) in November and will miss my 2.5 year old terribly. I absolutely hate being away from home, even for a single night. It doesn't help that I'll be 29 wks pregnant by then so I'm a little emotionally volatile. I do know that my little boy will be fine with his daddy though, we have a good routine and he is so busy all the time that though I think he'll miss me he'll know I'm back soon.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I think if you were able to leave them without you both for a weekend then leaving them with just one parent is by far less a deal.

Holidaying without children is down to personal choice. Everyone feels differently, I have friends who do it but personally dont even though my DS is older.

[Gateau]

I wouldn't want to do it, but everyone is different and only you can decide. If it feels right, then go.

[alfabetty]

You'll be OK once you are on your way, as others say, out of sight, out of mind, and that works both ways! You'll miss each other at certain points, first thing in the morning, bedtime. But your DDs will get on with it. And you'll come back relaxed.

I think that having your own life is a really important part of parenting, a good example to your children,and so long as they are loved and cared for all the time (which they will be) they will be fine.

But I think you should draw a chart so she can count down the days till you come home, otherwise a week seems like a long (and endless?) time.

[Tikkabillajive]

My two are the same ages and my nearly 3 yr old ds is very clingy and dependent on me. But I can honestly say that if I had an opportunity like this I'd be there like a shot!

I know I would find it very hard to leave them and would worry about it a bit, but I think it would also be fantastic for dh to spend a week being 'in control' as he usually works such long hours that I'm the one who drives the daily routine and does most of the childcare. And I know my dcs would love a week with their daddy. For the three of them to spend a week together would be a great thing for everyone I think and I would relish the chance to be a bit selfish for once and have a week off just being 'mum'!

It sounds like you'll have a fantastic trip - I say go for it and have a wonderful time! (And if not can I go instead?!)

[Olihan]

GO! Really, just go.

She may miss you and she will undoubtedly be a kling-on for a while when you come back but she will be with her Daddy. It will be good for both of them to spend some time together without you (in the nicest possible way) .

My dc3 is a dreadful Mummy's boy but was absolutely fine with DH when I went to Singapore for 10 days to visit my Dad. He was 2.8yo when I went.

I think it's really important for dcs to have a balanced relationship with both parents and I know it does DH and dc3 good for me to go off for a while (usually only a few hours, but hey ho!) as they have a chance to 'bond' without dc3 constantly demanding me. If I'm around, even if I'm elsewhere in the house and DH is in the same room, then only I will do. If I'm out of the house he's perfectly happy for DH to do everything I do.

When I was in Singapore he did ask where I was and how long it was until I came back but he wasn't upset or traumatised at all. He asked, DH told him then they did something else.

You don;t want to regret not going forever. As you say, it's the trip of a lifetime with those friends so to not go on the off-chance of your dd being upset would be daft.

Go, have an amazing time, bring back some fab presents for her and some unforgettable memories for you.

[Olihan]

I should add, I was in pieces on the day I flew out. I had to go from Manchester to London then London to Singapore and if I could have gone from London back to Manchester I would have done. I sat in T5 and sobbed but once the flight to Singapore took off I started to feel more excited than sad.

It was really hard leaving them but I would definitely do it again if I was given the chance and the free tickets.

[alfabetty]

Oh! I've done the sobbing in T5 thing... Must be a fairly regular thing as no-one batted an eyelid!

And I had a fab time once I was on the plane and committed....

[TheNextMrsDepp]

Go. You really should. You are leaving dd with her loving dad - they will probably have a ball and get up to all sorts of adventures while you're gone.

DH and I got married when the two oldest dcs were 1 and 2.5. They stayed with granny for five days, (then they all joined us for the rest of the honeymoon).

I missed them HUGELY, counted the days til they were with me again, but knew they were in safe hands. I'm so glad we took the time to do something for ourselves as a couple.

[Olihan]

I couldn't work out if it was British reserve or such an everyday occurrence that no one gave me a second glance as I cried all the way on the transfer bus then sitting in the terminal building .

[faileddoctor]

Dh and I went away for a week, dc2 was about 3 y old and apparatly cried every night!!! BUT, it was the first time my sister had looked after her.
Whenever DH is around I have no problems leaving children with him. We may miss each other but we don't cry.