DH scared of DD screaming

[HollyFP]

DD is nearly 9 weeks and very rarely cries other than for food, wind, cuddles etc. At her night feed tonight she was really sick, lots of it (she's very rarely sick too).

DH just didn't know what to do when she started screaming, he got really upset and stressed and almost ran away. I managed to calm her down quickly, but DH doesn't seem to have any idea what to do, which surprised me.

What can I do to help him deal with situations like this? He's not yet had to look after her without me for more than an hour as I'm BF and not yet expressing.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

How odd. I would start expressing ASAP so he can have more input TBH.

[5DollarShake]

Did you talk to him about his reaction?

Agree that he probably needs to get a bit more hands on but I know it's hard in the early days when b/feeding.

[HollyFP]

We didn't talk about it last night as it was so late and he was still visibly upset, so I think I'll talk to him tonight. He's a great dad apart from that moment, I think he just freaked out cos DD was screaming so hard (I've never heard her scream like it before either tbh). I think he just felt so helpless and at a loss as to what he could do. :(

I've just bought a Medela pump, so hopefully that will help.

I know it's been hard for him to be more involved due to BF (and I love BF and all the cuddles I get) but this episode shows that he definitely needs to get more practice in!

I just wondered if other DHs/DPs react like this sometimes, so he doesn't feel like a failure :(

[PutTheKettleOn]

Oh yes, my DH is great with the kids (age 2.5 and 3 months) but he really gets stressed at the sound of a baby screaming. He goes from calm dad to panicked 'what does she want?? make it stop!' and gets really flustered. Even now he's not great at dealing with the 2.5yo's tantrums, instead of just ignoring her and staying calm he either desperately tries to placate her and gives her whatever she wants or gets angry and shouts at her.

I think it's a man thing, they don't like feeling out of control maybe?

[MagnumIcecreamAddict]

My DH is just the same (DS 13 weeks). Only now willing to continue holding when screams start and then only for a few minutes.

Not because he's lazy, just unsure and a bit scared I think. He's getting better with lots of reassurance from me that it's ok not to know what to do with them sometimes.

I'm BF too and when it comes down to hysterical screaming, he just doesn't have boobs!

My DH loves doing bathtime, and that's helped so much. Might be worth a try?

[eldritch]

My DH was a bit like this at first too - mainly because he wasn't with the baby 24/7 like me (pulled his weight of course but just didn't have as many solo flying hours so to speak!). He got better though - maybe just give him a bit of time? At 9 weeks it's still v. early days. I also found that letting him do more with the baby (even if he's a bit ham-fisted at first and I know I could get it done in half the time!) helped.

I think we all have certain parenting challenges that push our buttons - for me it's more the emotional side of things, whereas for DH it's the really spectacular nappies - the first time he came across one he was actually gagging! :o

[HollyFP]

Thanks for these posts, glad he's not alone. Yes putthekettleon I do think its a control thing, ie he doesn't like not having it.
We do bath time together already, he does nappies too of course...I will try to leave them alone together at weekends and see if that helps!

[BigOfNoorks]

My DP did this in his case it was the fact that he had never really looked after a baby or done any care for a baby. He had held one but as a boy he gave them straight back when something was wrong.

Me on the other hand had changed a nappy at age 11 and babysat my sister for short periods as a newborn at age 13. Also teenage girls are offered to do more when someone has a baby where teenage boys are not asked to. So it must of been hard because some boys have never had to deal with a screaming baby before their own.

[Blimeyspaunchyhubby]

As a hands-on Dad...the husband can feel really usefuless and helpless especially early on and when it seems (note "seems") easy for Mum just to suckle to soothe! I've become (over the years with our 3 sons)the one now soothes the baby in times of crying and my tips for Dads are as follows:
A. the more nice (play) time dad's have with kids - the better they and the kids are when things get tough. Often kids haven't had enough good time with dad's to be soothed by them in bad times;
B. Dad's need to understand what babies scream for - notably too hot/cold/thirsty being possibly relatively quick and easy, while discomfort, tiredness or fear of the unfamiliar may take longer;
C. Dads need to be told what approaches they can try to soothe babies e.g. white noise (shh, shh, shh) or a lullaby or rhythmic humming, combined with containing hugs and rhythmic movements...all about mimicking heartbeats and stomach noises and movements from the womb experience. (Often easier to do standing or walking around a room...with the door shut so you can have a little respite)
C. Dad's need to understand that it'll be a bit different for each baby and that he'll need to experiment with different approaches...but to persist with each for a good few minutes before giving up.
D. One thing I have found more and more...is that trying to mimick (but more quietly and calmly) the rhythm of the baby's crying can be helpful.
E. It's also worth experimenting with different holding techniques (cradled face up/over the shoulder/face-down cradled - the last one can be very good with stomach pains)

I think some Dad's are afraid of the noise, afraid of what's wrong and the consequences and afraid of what their eventual response may be if the noise doesn't stop. My Dad did 30 minutes with me as a screaming baby and then told my mum "never again"...and that was that (I was 2nd of 4 boys!)

[MoonUnitAlpha]

It's hard with breastfeeding to have dads equally involved when they're little, but I think what's helped with us is that we each have our own jobs. My job is breastfeeding of course, but DP is in charge of nappies when he's home, and he does bath time while I get on with other stuff. In the evenings I feed the baby and then DP rocks him to sleep. At the weekends I make sure there's time when I feed ds then hand him over to DP while I have a long bath/nip to the shops/take the laptop to my bedroom. I try not to get involved when DP is in charge unless DS needs feeding.

[HollyFP]

Thanks Blimeys some good advice :-) I will gently release some more baby time over to DH on his own...