How to tell my Mum that I've screwed up again?

[Matt20]

This might seem like a strange post but I really want some advice from other Mums about something bad I have to tell my Mum.

I am 20 and the oldest of 3 boys and have always been really close to my Mum. She has been brilliant with us especially as my Dad left years ago. I was always good at school and never been in any trouble up until I was 17 and then started getting into bother with the police. I was in court a good bit but managed to stay out of Young Offenders. After the last time I decided to move away and got a job and things were going well until about a month ago when I was out for the night and got into a fight and ended up being arrested and charged with GBH.

I was home last weekend but just couldn't tellmy Mum about this. I know she will be devastated and probably hate me for this. I am really worried about telling her and how she will react but I know I have to. Is there any easy way to tell her that I've screwed up yet again and that I am probably going to be going to prison?

I heard about this site before and know it's mainly Mums on her so just thought I'd ask for advice? Has anybody had to deal with anything like this and what would you think?

I am so sorry for putting her through this.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

There's no easy way I'm afraid, but she will really appreciate it if you are strong and honest with her.

Ask her to sit wih you and tell her you've got some bad news. Be straight with her, take full responsibility. Say you've been stupid and you are genuinely sorry, and it looks like there are going to be serious consequences.

She may be angry at first, but she will want to be there for you I'm sure. And being honest is the best way. Don't keep anything back or try to sugar coat it in any way.

Yes, you have messed up. Hopefully you have learnt your lesson and will stay out of trouble from now on.

What are your plans for the future? Do you have something productive in place? Work? A future? Don't plan for this to be the end, plan for this to be a new start for a grown up you.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Oh and she won't hate you for this. She may think you've been stupid (because you have) but she'll still love you. She's your mum.

[RuthChan]

Hi Matt
I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
You sound like a sensible lad who has made a genuine go of getting out of trouble. It's a shame that it has come to this.

Remember that whatever happens, no matter how upset your mum gets, the main thing is that she loves you more than anything else in the world.
All she wants is the best for you and that you should be happy.
She would much prefer that you just come out and tell her the truth, than you keep it from her any longer.
There's no easy way to tell her. You'll just have to come out and say it directly. Make sure she hears it from you, not second hand from anyone else.
She might not react well immediately, but once she knows she'll be able to help you and that's all she'll want to do.
Good luck.

[booyhoo]

i want my children to be able to tell me anything, no matter how bad it is.

i expect your mum is exactly the same. she will want to know so she can be there for you. things are never as bad as they first appear. have you seen a solicitor? she may be able to help you out with that.

it won't be easy to tell her. bad news is never easy to tell, especially to the one person who needs to hear it.

be brave and sit down with her and tell her.

[Greensleeves]

people fuck up, all the time, you don't stop loving your children because they do something stupid/wrong

when you do tell her, be prepared - and I mean, actively prepare yourself, so that you can cope with it - for her to cry, shout, blow up or whatever else she does when she gets a nasty shock. She will be upset, of course she will, because she loves you and she wants better for you than this. I would be terrified, gutted and totally out of my depth at the thought of one of my boys going to prison. Because I love them. Nothing would make me hate them or stop loving them, or even lose faith in their worth as people and potential to do better

it will be horrible - but you will feel better once you have told her. Then you can get on with taking whatever consequences come your way, moving on and putting the whole mess behind you. xx

[Hassled]

Yes, she'll be upset and there will almost certainly be shouting but she won't hate you. She'll cope - that's what mothers do.

I think it would go down better if you could come up with some strategies re how you're going to sort out your temper first. So you can say "I did this but it won't happen again because I'm looking into an Anger Management Course", or whatever (your GP will help with this). If you can show her that you're dealing with things she'll react better.

[moajab]

Your mum will still love you and she will want to help you however she can. But she will also be shocked, upset and quite likely very angry. It wont be easy to tell her, however the worst thing you can do now is not to tell her. So go and see her again soon and tell her everything. However upset and disappointed she is she will support you and I think you will need this support now. I hope when this is over - prison or not - you will continue to try to turn your life around and make your mum proud of you again.

[PavlovtheCat]

sorry to be a bit less nicey nicey but you do not have bad 'news' to tell her. It was not a mistake to commit GBH. As you yourself know GBH is the more serious form of assault towards someone, which would result in perhaps a break of some kind, or facial wound/break. There is no nice way to tell your mother than you have hurt someone quite badly. You cannot sugar coat it.

And you have two choices here really from what I can see. You tell her you have hurt someone badly and that you may be going to prison. or. you don't tell her and you let her find out when you are sent down.

She will still love you, but she may not show it. Do not expect her to put her arms around you and say it will all be ok. She might not even want to speak to you for a while, depending on what you actually did.

Is your offending alcohol related? I ask because you said you went out and got into a fight. People don't just 'get' into fights. if so, you will need to demonstrate to her that you are serious about changing. Staying out of trouble for a while will not be enough. You will need to address the causes of this and show her that you want to change. Otherwise she will not beleive you. I probably would not beleive you.

[Quattrocento]

As a mother, I don't think it matters one jot how you tell her.

It's bad news. The only thing that will make it any better is if you genuinely resolve to address your offending behaviour and break the damaging and destructive cycle.

So what are you going to do about it? How are you going to make sure that you never reoffend? Because that's the sort of reassurance that she'll be looking for.

Good luck

[PavlovtheCat]

and telling your mum should not be considered as 'brave'. sorry booyhoo to disagree. Not telling your mum is cowardly. Anything else is doing the Right Thing and taking responsibility, but not brave.

[PavlovtheCat]

quattro i recognise your 'speak' you are from the legal world aren't you?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Pavlov, bravery is doing something you are scared to do. Not doing it is cowardly, but doing it is definitely brave. So I completely disagree with you.

And had Matt come on here downplaying the seriousness of what he has done then he would deserve your response, but he seems contrite, so I think you're being too hard on him.

It was stupid, she will probably be angry, but this can be a new beginning.

Good luck.

[Tortington]

she loves you, be honest. let her get shouty then give her a hug and a kiss tell her you are sorry and that you want her help

gurentee she will shes your mum and she loves you.


stop getting into fights you nobber

[nickschick]

Shes your mum she lurves you.

She will be disappointed -she will feel that you have let yourself down.

Heres what you should do.

tell her then she can do what Mums do best - kick your ass and help you get the advice and support you need.

Incidentally my friends son was in such a situation as this a few weeks ago-with strong support he managed to get a suspended sentence and a fine and community service.....if drink does this to you - stop drinking .

best o luck

[Matt20]

Thanks for the advice ? I know I have to tell her and I will. I just know how upset she is going to be and I feel so bad about putting her through this.

I know I broke the law and I know I assaulted him badly. I was shocked when the police showed in to me on CCTV but I admitted what I did and I know I am going to take the punishment for it ? which probably means prison and I am shitting it about that ? don?t know how I?ll cope in there.

Yeah I was drinking that night when it happened ? had been on a night out. I wouldn?t have done what I did if I hadn?t been drinking. I don?t drink all the time but when I do I know I drink too much. I haven?t been drunk since this happened and I won?t be again.

The reason why my Mum split up with my Dad was that he got into trouble too and got sent to prison. I was only 5 or 6 at the time but I remember her explaining it to us and saying that?s where bad people go and never to be like that and now I?m putting her through all that again, ending up like him.

I remember being to my brother?s passing out in the Army last year and how proud she was of him. He is in Afghanistan now and I know how much she worries about him and that makes me feel worse. My other brother is in university so I am the one letting her and them down.

I work in a hotel right now and am doing good with the job. They don?t know about this either ? only 2 people do ? so I will probably lose that when they find out. I really feel I have messed up my life but I know it?s my own fault.

[PavlovtheCat]

matt you need to tell her now. You should also consider telling your employers if you think they could write you a character reference. nickchick is right in that you stand a better chance of avoiding prison with the right support, from family and from employment. If you demonstrate you have a job who stand by you, you stand a much higher chance of a suspended sentence, and then you can access the support you need to address your alcohol related offending.

[thisisyesterday]

matt, i haven't read the other replies yet but i am SURE your mum will not hate you

i have 3 boys myself and, while they are much younger than you lot, I can tell you now that NOTHING they could do could make me hate them.

your mum might be disappointed. she might feel that she has failed. she will probably be angry with you for getting yourself into this. she will be upset and yes, as you say, devastated.

but she still loves you and that's what you need to remember.
tell her

[thisisyesterday]

have read entire thread now. i agree 100% with the other posters who have said that you need a plan. what are you going to do with your life?

you don't have to be the one that turns out like your dad, or the one that puts your mum through this. the only person in control of your life is you

so decide what it is you want out of life, and go and get it!

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Oh and I'd be even more impresses if rather than waiting for the next visit you made a special trip to come and tell me. Then I would know that you had made the decision to tell me, rather than been forced too iyswim.

Advice on employers is good. Be straight with them. Tell them how you know you fucked up but you want to turn your life around.

And for god's sake stop drinking! If you cant handle it, don't do it.

Good luck, bite the bullet and tell everyone asap.

If I were your employer and found out about your court case from anyone but you I wouldn't want to stand by you. And they will find out. If you're a good worker and reliable hopefully they will want to keep you and help you.

[Greensleeves]

you're facing up to this Matyt, and telling your Mum is part of that

What's done is done - what matters is doing the right thing now - and you are doing the right thing now.

I don't know much about prison, but my brother has been in several times (for defacing public monuments in demos, mostly) and he hasn't been scarred by it. He said mostly it is just fucking boring.

I wish you the best of luck in telling your Mum, and in getting through whatever the immediate future holds

and STICK to what you have promised yourself. No more getting pissed. You know now what matters to you - your Mum, your family, your job and your self-worth - that's got to be a good thing.

[thisisyesterday]

agree with youknownothing too... make a special trip

[Matt20]

I have work the next 2 evenings but am going to go back home on Sunday and tell her when I am off. I really am going to do it this time.

Don't know about telling the job - it's money for now and I think they would sack me if I told them (work in a hotel - in a bar and other things) but will think about it when I've been back home.

Greensleeves - good hearing that your brother found prison easy enough. Just being boring doesn't sound too bad.

[BlueChampagne]

Follow up on the counselling/alcohol awareness course idea with GP &/solicitor. This will be a positive step not just for your Mum but also for your job.