parenting - it doesn't stop t 18

[Chris59]

It is even more upsetting when your children fall out when they too are 'grown up'. One of my daughters has MS; her older sister has never accepted this and sees it as an excuse of some sort .... not sure what or why. She pokes fun at the need for rest and respite care in a very upsetting way whilst demanding support (of a diferent kind) for herself and her family. Thsy are both now in their 30s and have kids of their own and I love them both. It tears me apart to be in the middle of this antagonism. Surely they should be supporting each other, not making things worse?

[fryalot]

don't know if this will help or not but here goes...

my brother and I fell out. Can't remember what over now but we didn't talk for years, my dp wouldn't have him in the house and if we bumped into each other at my mum's one of us would leave straight away.

My mum was obviously quite upset about this and kept trying to get us to be friends again which only made things worse!

Eventually she gave up trying and we quite naturally got to be mates again and now we're fine.

Could you be unconsciously making things worse by trying to help? and if so would things actually be any worse if you gave up and left them to get on with it? It could be that they really don't like each other in which case there's probably not much that will help, but it could also be that they will sort themselves out if left to their own devices?

[musicposy]

I too think you need to take a step back from it if you can.

This is just an idea, and I maybe wrong - but -
One problem I can potentially see is that, despite being in their 30s, your eldest possibly still feels jealous about the attention given to her younger sister. Obviously, you would think this is unreasonable; nobody would want MS. However, I imagine when the eldest moans at you over her sister, or pokes fun at her, your temptation is to defend the younger one (and quite fairly so). However, this will make the situation worse.

If I were you I would refuse to get drawn into any sort of debate about the other sister from either of them. If elder sister pokes fun at younger one, just say "you're here visiting today, so I'd like to hear about you - how's work going?" or similar.

Once you step back, any feelings of resentment against the other may well subside, and they may well eventually work it out themselves. If not, at least you aren't being caught in their battles.

[Chris59]

Thanks for that.
There has since been an apology over the recent 'incident'! which I hope will mean that they will begin to be better friends. None of us choose our family and its a bonus if we DO get on... but even though I don't expect them to be 'bosom buddies' I really don't want them to hurt each other. There's enough of that going all around us. Family members should at least be people we can rely on when it comes to the crunch!