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if you are a sahm and your dh/dp works, does he still help round house and with kids?

(28 Posts)
juice Wed 03-Aug-05 08:15:35

hi all, sometimes feel like i do everything.and i am getting pretty sick of it. dh has a pretty easy job, very flexible. he works outside a lot and if the weather is bad he wont work at all, so he probably does about 30 hours a week, if that.
we live on the estate where he works, so he gets home for lunch etc.
i feel like i never get a break. since dd was born 11.5 months ago, i have never had a minute to just myself. i have never went out for the day on my own and not have to worry about dh, dd or the house.
dh has had weekends and even 5 days away on holiday with his mates.
i have hinted that i could do with a day off, but he doesnt understand i want it to be on my own. am i being selfish.
i love being a mummy and wife, i wouldnt change it for the world, but i feel i need a break, just a day to do what i want to do.
who else feels like this?
sorry i know i went of on another subject away from the subject, but i had to write it down, it is really starting to depress me, i broke down yesterday about it.
thanks for your help xxxx

Charlee Wed 03-Aug-05 08:18:24

yes, dp always helps out when he fineshes work, he does half the jobs while i do the other half, hes really good like that, i ave never had the complete day off tough but i dot really need it with him helping, he does alot of things with ds aswell. but to get him to do this i had to sit him down and say LOOK i need some help around the house! he took it pretty well and now does help out.

Nemo1977 Wed 03-Aug-05 08:25:32

Aww juice your dh isnt being fair. My dh tries to help when he can but works 5 days a week 8-8 not including travel. Even then on his days off he helps a lot or is usually doing some of the big jobs. I can understand you feeling like you need a break as my ds is 21mths and i am 2owks pregnant. It is only the last few weeks dh on his day off has been taking ds swimming which means i get a couple of hours to myself. Like you i dont go out without ds usually being there. You are not being selfish at all and you dh may not even realise things are getting to you as you are coping..i know my dh didnt realise until i broke down crying about 3mths ago..funnily enough that was when the swimming/ trips to park for dh n ds

bobbybob Wed 03-Aug-05 08:29:33

Yes, he only works 30 hours a week at the moment you are on call 24 hours a day. Find out home much a nanny, cook and cleaner would be per year and send him a bill. Bringing home the bacon is no excuse to live like a pig in muck.

Failing that, just walk out...

bobbybob Wed 03-Aug-05 08:29:47

and go back again obviously.

Moomin Wed 03-Aug-05 08:32:46

I think you're getting a rough deal, juice. My dh works 4 (long) days a week but still always does bath and bedtime when he gets in. He plays golf on some of his days off but only when this coincides with dd being in nursery & me being at work (I work 3 days pw).

Some blokes prefer to ignore situations like yours because they are lazy and like an 'easy' life; some just don't notice at all, esp if they've been brought up without having to do anything for themselves. Some blokes don't tend to pick up on their partner's feelings, eihter because they aren't sensitive to them or it doesn't suit them to dig deeper.

IME, you will have to draw his attention to the situation quite forcefully e.g. a serious sit down and chat and/or even a cry, as this is sometimes the only way to show how unhappy you are. Some blokes just really aren't that perceptive. You'll only be able to get this sorted if you know that he knows exactly how you are feeling and then how he reacts to this. If he still won't be of any help, then that's a different issue, and needs tackling in another way.

Hattie05 Wed 03-Aug-05 08:47:11

Does he help with looking after dd?

I find it easier to tell dp to take charge of dd when he gets in and allow me to catch up on what i havn't done during the day.

i work p/time and dp works fulltime. I don't expect him to do any major housework. As long as he does childcare side of things - dinner, playtime, bath and bed etc. And also that he isn't a slob ( he slips into this phase every now and then) like he won't bother to put his dinner plate in the dishwasher, or dirty clothes in the laundry. But once i give him a kick up the bum he snaps out of that .
Everynow and then dp helps me do a big clean up of the house, e.g moving large furniture to clean around etc

juice how did your household work before you had children? Assuming you both worked fulltime then, was it a fair share.

We both shared things equally, so the fact that i'm at home a lot more now, seems fair that i do most things. I just remind dp that when i go back to fulltime work he'll be back on the cleaning rota!

tarantula Wed 03-Aug-05 09:10:31

Dp is at home all day and I work get from work at 6. When I get in generally take dd off his hands as he is normally in the middle of cooking dinner. After dinner I help tidy the kitchen and get as much washing up etc done as poss while dd is eating dessert (and is therefore quiet).

Dp then goes off to read the paper and watch Eastenders and I play with dd and then take her for her bath story bed etc. Id help more round the house except that dd wont leave me alone for 2 secs once I get in teh door and dp normally ahs most of the housework done anyway.

At weekends we share 50/50 and there is no way Id leave dp and go off galivanting for the w/end even if we had the money. I also do all the ironing (cos its mostly my work stuff andyway and its only an hour every 2nd week ).

Def think your dp is ripping the p*ss and needs a wake up call.

Lizzylou Wed 03-Aug-05 09:15:58

Juice, you need some time to yourself, I worked full time before DS and no way was it anywhere near as hard as looking after a baby 24/7! Your DH just doesn't understand. Tell him that you are having a day off and let him babysit for a day, also make it clear that you don't want to come home to a pigsty....I guarantee that after 1 day he will have a clearer idea of how hard it is to look after a child and run a house!!! Then you negotiate him helping more around the house and with DD.............

eefs Wed 03-Aug-05 09:21:43

when he's at work you are also working. not fair if he gets to clock off while your working day continues. It should be 50/50 when he is at home.

moonshine Wed 03-Aug-05 09:22:09

My dh works between 8-10 hours a day but, if he gets home in time, he still helps with the bath routine every night and other domestic chores that I've left to the evening. At the weekend he looks after both children for a few hours on a least one day so that I can go out and enjoy the pleasure of even just walking and shopping alone. However, I would probably not ask to go away for the weekend or a few days and leave him unless it was a really really special occasion. So yes, think your dp is taking the p**s. Is it because he just doesn't realise that you need time away and that being a SAHM isn't the easy option?

I really believe that you must try and get some time to yourself (at weekends?) otherwise you are in danger of burning out and resenting your dp more and more. Also, don't see why he can't help with chores - he does eat, sleep, need clothes etc as well doesn't he?

Springchicken Wed 03-Aug-05 09:24:48

Juice, you definitelyneed a break, but you know that already!

My DP is crap to say the least. I work 25 hours a week, DD goes to nursery whilst i am at work. DP works full time, he gets up at 5.30 every morning and gets in from work at about 5 each night so it is a long day for him. He is a Painter & Decorator so it's hard work, not just sitting behind a desk like me.................but he just does not get it.
It's the lack of common sense that gets me every time. If i ask him to do something for me, he will do it without hesitation but he would never think of doing it off his own back. The straw that broke the camels back the other day was when i had DD hanging off my legs screaming to high heaven because she wanted her dinner and i was doing the ironing, DP waltzes in and tells me he's off to the gym ! When i told him i needed help, either with the ironing or DD he helped straight away and then went to the gym but he just does not think .

You need to talk to DP, tell him that you know he works hard and you appreciate him doing so to enable you to stay at home with the children ....... but....... it is bloody hard work sometimes and you need his help. This works with DP for a couple of weeks then he soon slips back into useles mode, I hope your DP is different to mine.

Good Luck x

oops Wed 03-Aug-05 09:27:06

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triceratops Wed 03-Aug-05 09:28:02

My Dh does not do any "womens work" and will not even pick his socks up off the floor or change the loo roll when its out! However he has been like this for at least the last 15 years and all my attempts to change him have ended in a row. He works long hours most days and brings in a lot of money. He would be happy for me to hire a cleaner/mothers help/gardener etc and to pay for them but when he gets in from work he likes the house to be clean and the child (soon to be children) to be in bed. I find that the whole family is much happier if I just pretend to be a 1950's style housewife which is not that hard a job really (the 8 hr girdles are a bit of a killer though).

I would not be happy if I thought that dh did not work at least as hard as I do. That is the trade off for me. We have an equal power relationship with firmly gender divided roles. He resents me for being able to stay at home and spend time with ds at least as much as I resent him for his power lunches and workaholic tendancies.

lockets Wed 03-Aug-05 09:29:43

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oops Wed 03-Aug-05 09:33:20

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Springchicken Wed 03-Aug-05 09:35:31

Forgot to mention my DP is brilliant on the playing front and absolutely hates it if he is late home and DD is asleep for the night.
We have a family day on a Saturday, even if it is just driving around aimlessly, that is our time to spend just the 3 of us, we also go swimming on a Sunday.

I think DP's laziness would annoy me more, if he didn't spend time with DD.

bobbybob Wed 03-Aug-05 09:41:48

He may get better - dh was always very helpful, but I had to explain things carefully to him. Now ds is 2.5 and can say "not that T shirt daddy - the blue one" and "two slices of toast please" I don't have to explain and it's more of a rest.

I think ds learnt to boss dh around from me

Millie1 Wed 03-Aug-05 09:41:54

Juice, I think your DH could help you out a lot more. You're certainly not being selfish in wanting some time on your own - we all need it, it's a necessity for our sanity! My DH leaves home at 7 and gets home at around 7pm so most days is home in time to bath the children - or at the very least be there to do stories. To do this, he'll often schedule meetings for 8pm onwards so ends up getting little 'him' time. He spends loads of one on one time with them at the weekend but unforunately I seem to spend 90% of this time doing housework or things I haven't been able to get to during the week. I'm incredibly lucky that DH is so involved - and will do his share of housework too although I try to cover most of that cos it's not fair to expect him to do tooo much when he's been working all day. Oh, and he'll often take a day off work to keep the children and give me a day away sans enfants.

I think it's time to ask your DH for more help. Good luck

sweetkitty Wed 03-Aug-05 09:42:53

Right now my DP works long hours well travels most of it, he's up at 6 and home at 7 so I don't expect him to do much during the week. I keep DD up to 8.30pm during the week so she can spend some time with him when he gets in (also means she doesn't get up to 9 most mornings = bliss).

At weekends DP will get up with DD change her feed her and play with her allowing me to have extra time in my bed! He will also do the dishes and cat litter on his days off.

When I worked full time the household chores were split 50/50 he has a pair of hands too he makes the mess he should help tidy up. He came from a family where his mum did everything for him (he didn't even know how to switch an iron on) it's taken 10 years but I've got him well trained now. I have quite high standards hosuework wise and now if the house isn't looking tidy he will moan and tidy it!

triceratops Wed 03-Aug-05 10:42:26

oops - he doesn't really spend time with ds apart from a few hours at the weekend. I think they are both missing out a bit on this front but dh will not play power rangers if there is work that he feels that he could be doing. I think his priorities are a bit wrong but dh has to make that decision himself.

Distel Wed 03-Aug-05 10:55:51

I am a sahm, with 3 children aged 1, 3 and nearly 6 who is at school. DH is a builder and works from 8 - 6 mon - fri. He is reasonablly good at doing housework especially if I am ill or at weekends. He helps me tidy up the toys and things when the children have gone to bed and he will cook dinner if I ask him too. He knows that I wouldn't mind if he went away for the weekend but he has never done it and to be honest, I don't think he would. He did go away to look after his mum when his dad was in hospital earlier in the year as she is almost deaf and completely blind but that was essential, not just a fun week away, not sure how I would feel about that.

He is also really giving me a bit of time to myself at weekends, he will take tha children out for a few hours so I do get a bit of time to myself, but I do the same for him.

oops Thu 04-Aug-05 09:32:46

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TwinSetAndPearls Thu 04-Aug-05 12:43:06

My dp does envy me my role of staying at home, I know that i do have a nicer life than him. He is stuck in an office, dealing with office rivalry and infighting staring at a computer all day.

I am at home playing with dd, out meeting friends or taking dd out on special days out. I have more freedom, I also have time to study while dd is at nursery three afternoons and am lucky enough to have a small part time job 6 hours that I love.

Dp jokes that I am lady of leisure, although if I am honest there is an element of truth in that. He has admitted that he would love my life but he in no way devalues the contribution I make to our household and he certainly does help out. When he gets in he helps dd tidy her playroom and then after dinner he takes her out with the dog so I can have an hour to myself. He then does most of the bedtime routine, and while I go in to say goodnight and do prayers he will have a quick tidy downstairs.

Prufrock Thu 04-Aug-05 13:24:52

Juice and triceratops, I think you are both getting a very bad deal.
My dh has a very stressful job, leaves the house at 6.30 and and back at 6.30pm and usually does at least 2 hours a night from home. So I don't ask him to do anything around the house, especially as the money he brings in allows me to buy the help/childcare I want (atm I get ironing and garden done, and soon dd will be at pre school 4 mornings and ds at nursery one day a week). So he does come home to a clean house, meals cooked etc. But he also comes home to 2 dirty kids waiting for their bath and bedtime routine, which he does by himself whilst I potter around, and at the weekends he does as much childcare and tidying up after ourselves as I do.

Lookinga fter children at home all day is just as demanding a job as any work outside teh home, and the fact that your dh doesn't appreciate this juice shows that he doesnt really appreciate or respect you.

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