Don't know where to start really. Am freaking out a bit and need to vent and hopefully calm down in the process so huge apologies in advance to anyone who opened this thread thinking it might be a bit of light reading
Have just had the head of our local Community Mental Health Team round to see my mother. Some of you may know from previous rants that she has very severe 'atypical' OCD and depression which have, over the last few years, proved almost entirely unresponsive to a variety of treatments. Recently things have really deteriorated. The last few weeks she has hit the depths and refused to get out of bed, to wash, to eat, even to talk, really. She has been refusing all treatments, threatening suicide on a daily (hourly) basis, etc etc. She lies in bed crying - sometimes screaming and wailing like an animal - all day. The CMHT won't section her and the other local in-patient unit (which she has been to 3 times already this year with no positive effect at all) has no beds. So, after today's visit, they have finally seemed to twig that we need a little more support than a 10-minute monthly meeting that she never turns up to, and have offered to start some sort of home care programme. Of course, she thinks it's a load of pointless crap and has already refused to go an see her consultant to discuss it, but I am at least pleased that someone is listening at last (at least I hope they are).
Anyway, the thing is that I am supposed to be starting this bloody midwifery degree in 6 weeks time. I'm desperate to do it, to get out and stop rotting at home with all this stress and uproar, and start rebuilding a life for ds and me. But how the hell am I going to manage it? It's bad enough that ds is going to have to go into fulltime childcare - I didn't want that and would probably not have taken on the course at this time if I knew in advance that would be the case - I might have waited until he started school. Things weren't at this stage when I got the place though - she was still functioning (although it was hardgoing at times) and the general feeling was that she would be helped by looking after him at least some of the time. But now....obviously that's not going to happen and I understand why but... But more than that - I must be mad, right? Shouldn't I be at home supporting her (even if I'm so tense I'm probably doing more harm than good atm)? How am I going to cope with the stress and demands of this 3-year, fulltime, full-on course when my home life is in disarray anyway? Purely practically - how am I going to write an essay when she's sobbing for God to take her away, in the next room? How am I going to cope with a toddler, and a course and all of this? The CMHT woman said something about 'Oh well, if you're not going to be around to take her to appointments from Sept then we'll have to get someone else to do it' - just made me feel so bloody guilty, like I should be there, like why am I even thinking of not being here?
I so want to do this. I need to do this. But I'm so worried that I won't be able to cope. I need to do this and start sorting out a life for ds and me and a career and a future, but I am so torn. I just don't know what to do. It would kill me to give this course up but what if it all gets too much and I end up dropping out anyway?
Oh, bollocks. Sorry, this is just ranting now. I just don't know how I'm going to manage and I'm worried about the effect a very stressed mummy is going to have on ds. I know there's nothing to say really, well done to anyone who got this far. Am so bloody angry and frustrated.
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Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Rant! Long! Sorry!
13 replies
snafu · 01/08/2005 13:16
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dinosaur ·
01/08/2005 13:19
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01/08/2005 13:32
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