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My father - opinions please....(LONGISH)

(10 Posts)
SPARKLER1 Thu 21-Jul-05 17:54:20

Dad was never around much when I was a kid. Mum says he only ever changed one of my nappies as a baby, never did one on my sister. He used to go out on his own and me, sis and mum used to do stuff alone. Parents divorced when I was 16/17. Dad has never hardly bothered and I have never been close to him. He has no idea what's going on in my life with my kids. His grandchildren hardly know him. He has never looked after them or been interested in anything they do. I have always respected the fact that he was my father but that's as far as it went. He met a lady, after many others, and got engaged to her on my 18th birthday. Not very thoughtful eh? He does drink a lot of alcohol and whenever I have been to visit he is usually tanked up and I can't have a proper conversation with him. Most of the time I have spent talking with my step-mother. I always come away in tears. I have reached a point now where I can't take him not caring anymore. Last year I never sent a father's day card as I rarely see him. Every year I hate looking on the card shelves trying to find a father's day card that doesn't have a verse saying soppy things as none of them would be true. I never sent one a again this year and for the first time this year I didn't send him a birthday card or present.

Yesterday I get a phone call from him saying

"hello this is your father, remember me?"

me: "oh, hello"

"thanks for your father's day card and birthday card and present"

me: oh

Then he put the phone down on me

I phoned back and his wife answered and told me that he had gone out - he obviously hadn't. I told her that I couldn't understand why he called me when he had the intention of just putting the phone down on me anyway. I told her that if he wanted to know why I had a problem he should contact me and I will talk to him.

And that's that - no phone call since. Makes me realise that I have done the right thing all alone. He really doesn't care does he?

NotQuiteCockney Thu 21-Jul-05 17:56:49

Well, if he really didn't care, he wouldn't call.

But he's clearly pretty broken, and hard to deal with. You certainly have my sympathies, and it makes sense to reduce any contact you have with him.

All these years you've been buying him birthday cards and presents - has he been sending you things for your birthdays?

SPARKLER1 Thu 21-Jul-05 17:58:50

If he cared - why didn't he approach me on the phone differently. There is no reason why he had to be sarcastic like that. A simple question of What's wrong/have I upset you - would have gone down better.

CarolinaMoon Thu 21-Jul-05 18:06:42

Maybe he's too proud to admit it upset him?

It sounds like you've made every effort over the years though - it's surely his turn to reciprocate.

Caligula Thu 21-Jul-05 18:47:44

He sounds like a selfish git who expects all the pleasures of being a father without any of the responsibilities. Who cares if he cares? He's been a lousy father and his phone call is all about him, him, him, not about you. He made the phone call to upset you. Not to make peace with you. He's the kind of father who really doesn't add anything to your life.

Unless of course, you really want him in your life and think you would feel guilty if he upped and died and you hadn't made peace with him.

I never fell out with my father but was never close to him either - he was pretty piss-poor at the job, tbh - and he died a few years ago. It's made very little difference to my life. If that's how you feel about yours, then I wouldn't bother getting back in touch with him.

DelGirl Thu 21-Jul-05 23:53:14

Sorry to hear this Sparkler. I know just how you feel. This year was the 1st year i've not sent my mum a mothers day card. I just couldn't, she's hurt me far too much and I will not be a hypocrite (sp). Choosing birthday cards is a nightmare as, like you, they have to be very simple words etc. Must go to bed now, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hope you enjoyed this evening, it was nice to see you

SPARKLER1 Fri 22-Jul-05 11:22:04

Still no contact. My sister thinks I should go and see him. I think I've done enough on my part.

Raspberry Fri 22-Jul-05 11:31:32

I would let it lie and try and put him out of your mind the best you can. I too don't get on with my father very well, so I empathise about the 'neutral Father's Day card' dilemma.

In short, no he doesn't care and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Caligula Fri 22-Jul-05 11:35:57

Sparkler, you don't owe him anything. If he hasn't been able to build a decent relationship with you, that's his fault, not yours.

SPARKLER1 Fri 22-Jul-05 12:04:13

Thankyou for your comments. It makes me feel at ease knowing that what I'm doing isn't all bad.

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