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any sahomers feel guilty far too often?

(15 Posts)
babyonboard Wed 13-Jul-05 19:40:59

I'm very new to this being at home all day business, but have been forced due to various things since i became oprwgnat, and obviously will be for quite some time now..
just wondering what others in this position feel like?
i take care of all the 'admin'..paying bills..looking around for new buys etc..my dp barely lifts a finger around the house so I do all that too, but I can't help but feel guilty when i have a lazy couple of days (like this week..when it's been so hot!)
dp is often annoyed if he comes home to the house looking messy, saying things like 'i've done ten hours hard work today..what have you done'
to add to that we have a lodger who never cleans up after himself, so i do all his share too..
i know my dp has a harder time, but he has the luxury of knowing that the money thats coming in is his...iykwim..of course he'd never deny me anything, but i miss having my own paycheck and going out and splurging a little on treats for myself. at the moment even stuff like a new face wash makes me feel bad..
how do you guys feel about such things? and particularly..tjose that work and support a stay at homer..
maybe we are just too new to this to have settled..

Ladymuck Wed 13-Jul-05 19:42:45

Do you have a child yet, or are you pg with your first? If the latter then, trust me, the one thing you won't feel guilty for is having loads of free time. At least not until all your children are school age.

Nemo1977 Wed 13-Jul-05 19:44:28

alllllllllll the time
i feel guilty like i havent done anything despite fact i have a 21mth old who takes majority of time and am 18wks pg. I feel guilty when i go for a lie down in day but i reallly need it. DH does not do much housework but on his days off will do big physical jobs like today he as started to strip back bedroom ready for ds to move into. Meanwhile i have had a lazy day as i feel a bit off today so ended up going to bed for 2hrs this afternoon when ds fell asleep [the 2hrs nap is a rare event]

Slink Wed 13-Jul-05 19:46:45

I have been at home for 3years and love it i have my days but love it, dd and i are always busy after she finishes school at 11.30, i have day this week esp when i have done nothing. I think for me though i have it easy dh took the first year off with dd so knows how hard it is to do everything, so it is never an issue for us.

Ask me in Sept when she goes full time!!

anchovies Wed 13-Jul-05 19:47:37

I have a few tricks such as squirting polish around just before he walks in and getting out previously ironed clothes and hanging them downstairs which do the trick when he comes in from work. Seriously though dh would never dare say anything, the one time he commented on the state of the house I asked him whether I was staying at home to be a full time cleaner or a full time carer for our ds? Told him I thought we needed to decide as while I am happy to keep the house clean and tidy and cook etc, I am at home to look after ds and he comes first. He understands after being made redundant recently that I do as much of a full time job as he does and I don't get to go to the gym at dinner time! So days like today no jobs get done and we play in the garden all day!

Think you need to talk about your new roles.

Nemo1977 Wed 13-Jul-05 19:50:09

it is a hard thing to adjust to but at the same time u r also doing a job if not a harder one that u dont get annual leave from

nannyjo Wed 13-Jul-05 19:50:19

YES.

DH and i row all the time over it cos he makes silly comments about it "at least one of us has got to get to work" etc, but apparently i take it the wrong way???

Don't need to go back yet financially so i shouldn't feel bad about stimulating my son surely??

fishfinger Wed 13-Jul-05 19:50:34

nope never

vicdubya Wed 13-Jul-05 19:51:50

Being at home full time with a baby / toddler is harder than being at work ime.

Nothing to feel guilty about!

spidermama Wed 13-Jul-05 19:52:48

I think it's hard setting one's own deadlines.

babyonboard Wed 13-Jul-05 19:55:11

yes it is our first..so even tho i am 22 weeks pregnant and suffering like hell in this heat i feel like i should be doing more
i do all the shopping, which is hard work as we don't have a car and i cant carry much so its trips out almost every day for food..i also have very few friends around now as they all moved back after finishing uni, so its not like i spend my time gosspiping with a cup of tea (well...maybe on mumsnet..but thats different..he he)
i'm sure it will be different when the baby arrives as dp will se how hard it is, but for now I am limbo..i'd love to be out at work and am capable of it but it's just not going to happen
but hate that i have to spend my days pottering around the house, either sorting out or ignoring mess, and feeling guilty!

monkeytrousers Wed 13-Jul-05 20:16:00

Sorry, have I got this right, you're pregnant with your 1st now?

I think after the baby is born you have to be very chilled out about having a messy house. You'll have far too much to do without worrying about that.

It's going to be a touch time so you both need to be prepared to compromise on things alot.

Maybe try to get into the habit of doing a big shop together. If you don't have a car there's no way you'll be able to do this after and (it sound sooo sad) but going to the supermarket with dp was one of the few times we got to go out with one another in the 1st few months and the only time I got out of the house at first!

Is he getting nervous or has he always been like that about the house? It's a bit ^woman, know your place^ isn't it?

monkeytrousers Wed 13-Jul-05 20:16:38

That should read tough time..

Gobbledigook Wed 13-Jul-05 20:17:30

Nope

babyonboard Wed 13-Jul-05 20:25:06

No..he helped out..though admittedly far far less than i did before, but now I am at home all day it has been entirely passed onto me, and I know I'm probably just grumbling now as it will be much harder with a baby!
We do shopping out in town on a stuarday, go to borough market, and nice delis and stuff, but it's all things we'll just eat that weekend, and its more of a 'fun' out in vibrant markets picking what we fancy kind of shop , then i am left to do the proper shop, including stuff like soap powder, bottled watter etc which are a pain to carry even the 10 min walk to our house
he is learning to drive, but if we do stay in london we wont be able to afford or really need a car anyway.
I'm actually looking forward to having the pram to stash shopping under..been considering getting a granny shopping trolley, but so not my style ! he he
still looking at the mess all around..and still have no inclination to do anything about it..ah well1

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