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opinions please-would you be annoyed by this?(long)

(45 Posts)
sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 16:42:17

DD is off to her grandparents for a holiday. she goes every summer and flies by herself.
Aformentioned grandparents have never liked us and spend most of there copious retirement time trying to criticise us and our parenting skills. We are her adoptive parents and uncle and aunt. They are her late mother's parents who see her every holiday 3 times a year This time for 2 whole weeks.
Everytime dd visits she comes home with a whole suitcase of new presents and in particular clothes.Not against any of this per se although it takes ages for dd to settle when she arrives back having been so spoiled.( a whole other story)
Dd has just had a birthday and therefor pile of presents and new clothes.
No exaggeration she now owns 12 pairs of jeans and 7 coats and jackets. She is 10 and growing fast, but frankly there are not enough days in the year for all these outfits! DD is also a tomboy at heart and her most prized peice of clothing is a Dalek t-shirt. we live in the country and so wellies and jeans and fleeces are the norm.Even for parties she is well past wearing pretty dresses and would happily go in a pair of combats and a jumper.
Anyway at easter she arrived home from Grannie's with 5 dresses 4 skirts( lilac and Pink linen) and a Ted Baker Jacket. Lovely i hear you cry!
What a waste of money. Today i did a clearout and there has not been one opportunity to wear any of these( I really tried) DD says they are too girly and NOW they are all too small.
I am not ungrateful. I love these clothes and g'parents have spent so much money i am ashamed!.
Just not a lot of point in them and seems such a waste to me.( They will find new homes easily freinds, cousins etc and anything slIghly worn i will donate to Cancer Research)
Thought I would write then a note for dd to bring with her along the following lines:

Dear *** & **,
thanks so much for the wonderful presents you sent for DD's birthday. I hope you enjoy having her to stay and have a wonderful holiday together.
I have just had a big clearout ( 3 black bags of dd's clothes!)and have found that dd owns 12 pairs of jeans, so please don't be spending your hard earned cash on any more clothes for her! During termtime dd tends not to get changed after school, as we are so busy and at the weekend she wears a uniform at drama club. That really only leaves one day a week to wear her own clothes- of which she has plenty! I have sent a bag with what amounts to only a 1/3 of her wardrobe, so please don't let her talk you into buying any thing more.! Also in bag is a 70th birthday present (made by DD) for Great aunt * which i hope has a arrived in one piece.
will no doubt speak to you on the phone in a few days.
best wishes

Honest opinions- do you think they will take offence?.Should i bother? Help!

Twiglett Wed 13-Jul-05 16:44:49

I wouldn't be upset by it no,

but I have no doubt that grandparents will

can you not just take the stuff back that she won't wear and get a refund??

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 16:46:22

no they live in a differnet country

Donbean Wed 13-Jul-05 16:49:01

i think that if your relationship with them is already tenuous then this may inflame it further.
No matter how nicely you word the note.
Could dd not tell them how many clothes she has?
Do they not ask her what she would like or do they just present them to her on her arrival?

Norash Wed 13-Jul-05 16:50:36

I think that they will definately be offended, going by your post. I would not bother with the note, it's their money let them spend it. You just make sure it goes to those that need it .

spacecadet Wed 13-Jul-05 16:53:17

i wouldnt bother, will prob excarbate the situation.

babyonboard Wed 13-Jul-05 16:55:35

yes..perhaps given the situation and the fact that they see her so little they enjoy spoiling her..i know my gran will get me something new everytime i visit my family, even though she is on a tight pension and cannot afford it. she does the same with all of my cousins, and she enjoys going out shopping and treating us.
maybe instead of the letter, you should csll beforhand and express your gratitude, but suggest they buy her something more useful..

CarolinaMoon Wed 13-Jul-05 16:56:34

They obviously enjoy buying those clothes or they wouldn't do it. TBH, they probably wouldn't understand where you were coming from even if you sent that letter. Some people just like buying a lot of stuff for kids - maybe it's their way of showing how much they love her?

Don't feel guilty about it, just find the stuff a good home when it arrives - they aren't going to know whether she's worn it or not.

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 16:57:00

Have tried getting dd to do it , but it puts her in the position of looking ungrateful- so not fair. Also if they offer to buy her something she justs says yes as she understands that this pleases them. Also not fair. No they think it is their duty to spoil her( they think Dh and I don't deserve her)and spend most of holiday dressing her up as their little girl's little girl.( what they call her) This seems to be about their inability to process their grief as much as anything. kind of sad, but so not fair on DD

Janh Wed 13-Jul-05 16:58:18

Sell it all on ebay and give the money to charity


sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 16:59:00

have done in the past janH. !

Janh Wed 13-Jul-05 17:01:12

Have you tried discussing it with her? At 10 she is old enough - see if you can get her to think of an alternative way to please them?

dyzzidi Wed 13-Jul-05 17:02:16

how old is your DD could she not say grandma I would rather have a fleece than a dress and buy a bigger size.

Or could you ask them to put some money into a trust for her instead of clothes maybe say she is so bright it might be time to save for University for her? If you stroke their ego (so to speak) they may be pleased to do something positive and have something to bragg about.

I am only expecting my first but have asked people to add to a trustfund account instead of buying presents for the first couple of years and some people have pulled a face until I have said he/she would appreciate a university education more than a t-shirt.

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 17:05:11

yes have done my best to persuade dd, not least today when we had all the clothes out and she realised how little of them she had actually worn.Still its not dd's responsibilty really.Oh and they won't speak to me if they can avoid it. When they phone( every 2 days i might add) grannie taks about the wonderful weather they are having and then goes silent until i pput dd on the phone. They are so bitter.

CarolinaMoon Wed 13-Jul-05 17:13:44

sorrel, that's a really situation. It's such a shame they can't make the effort with you. Have you ever confronted them about that?

dyzzidi Wed 13-Jul-05 17:14:18

Could you write them a nice letter regarding a savings account if you don't get on with them make sure it is an account where only DD can release the money upon turning 18or 21. It is so awkward when family members don't get on you could even suggest they open the account and keep control of it. It has got to be better than wasting all that cash. I also agree at 10 years of age your DD should not be worrying about stuff like this.

Donbean Wed 13-Jul-05 17:16:19

what a terrible terrible situation for you.
Understandable, it was thier daughter that they lost and they are never likely to get over that. DD is thier only link to thier child.
At the same time though, was it not your brother that you lost?
You sound like you are the perfect people to bring up such a precious child to so many. You sound logical and grounded, even though you too are grieving.

Blu Wed 13-Jul-05 17:18:13

Take out the detail about not changing after school / uniform at drama club - it will give them fuel to criticise you (oooh, poor thing stays in school uniform all too busy to change etc0, and it isn't necessary - you don't have to justify how many clothes she does or soes not need!

The tone of your letter is really nice.

morningpaper Wed 13-Jul-05 17:23:23

What EXACTLY bothers you about the situation? I don't really understand why it bothers you so much, except you obviously don't have a great relationship with them. It's their money and as long as DD enjoys visiting them and spending time with them, I don't see that it is affecting her relationship with them at all, and that's what's important really.

Re. the clothes - sell them on Ebay or give them to a younger friend?

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 17:29:46

yes one confrontation too many. grandpa now NEVER speaks to us. Grannie sticks to the weather. they never once ask how dh and i are or about what is happening in our lives.( i have had 4 miscarriges and she never even sent a card) i have tried and tried to see it from their point of view, but try to remain always on side of dd.
what i can understand:
they are devestated that their only daughter died so young
they have nevr got over it and they are not going to ( Are happily Stuck in the grief)
they can't understand why my Db also died ( well no-one can including me)
theyre angry that neither of their sons wanted to adopt dd and can't forgive them
they hate that dd was adopted by us and lives so far away from them ( even tho we bend over backwards to arrange hols with them and dd)
they show their contempt at every possible opportuniy. Grannie came to stay with us once and after starting a row moved into a hotel.
they openily criticise us in front of dd unforgivable IMO
I try so hard to make it so that dd is not bothered by their bitterness, but it's hard. she is growing up and understands more now. I am never rude about them in front of her and am always polite on the phone no matter what grannie is saying.
I doubt it will ever change.Dd will soon be making up her own mind about visiting them. so we'll see what happens then. DD is NOT stupid.

CarolinaMoon Wed 13-Jul-05 17:36:00

That's so sad sorrel. It's very generous of you to behave like that towards them. I bet your DD will appreciate it when she's older.

I wouldn't send the letter though, it can't help.

spacecadet Wed 13-Jul-05 17:36:10

what a sad situation, i can see both sides, but they are lucky that 2 such lovely caring people are bringing their grandchild up, remember the important person is dd, take the clothes, say nothing, sort through them and ask dd which ones she would like to sell and let her keep the money, that way they do still get to spend money on her but not in the way they think!

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 17:37:22

mp. as you can see there is a lot more to it that just the clothes. however the fact that they drown Dd in things she does not want, use or need seems sad and wasteful to me. It also upsets dd as she is starting to see that they don't do it for her , but for themselves.

spacecadet Wed 13-Jul-05 17:40:05

sorry to ask this but how long ago did dd lose her mum and dad

sorrel Wed 13-Jul-05 17:42:36

think you are right about the letter.( not to send) perhaps it was my wishful thinking that i might finally be able to commiunicate with them on a level they don't take exception too. my own mother in law would be brilliant about it and she is not even a blood relation.
Will just pack the bag, leave things as they are, impress on dd that she has millions of clothes, hope it sinks in and bring her to the airport.
Thanks for all honest opinions. mumsnet is great.

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