Talk

Advanced search

Do I let her stay? (sorry long)

(21 Posts)
milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 11:28:45

I’m going on holiday in a couple of week’s time and I’m getting in a bit of a state and I don’t know what to do. My dd lives in a top floor flat, has a (boisterous) four-year-old boy and has just had a baby. My problem is I don’t know whether to let her stay in my house while I’m away. I can hear a resounding “YES, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?”

I love her and my grandchildren to bits, but her partner is a complete waste of space, he will steal anything that is not nailed down, to say I dislike him is an understatement. He takes drugs, he has got another girl pregnant whilst he has been with my dd, he abuses her, several times my dd has phoned me so upset she can hardly speak begging me to go and pick up the children as he has ‘lost it’ and is smashing up her home and terrifying her little boy. All of that and she still won’t leave him, I don’t understand it but all I can do is try to ‘be there’ for her and advise her but she will not take any notice.

I know that if I let her stay in my home her partner will stay too and the thought of him sleeping in my bed with my daughter makes me feel physically sick. That and the fact that he will probably steal anything of any value, and possibly smash up my home, have all of his scummy mates in, smoking and taking drugs in my home makes me not want her to stay.

DP and I have spent a lot of money doing my home up, brand new carpets, new leather sofa’s and furniture etc the past year and we don’t have the money to replace everything.

I know it would be lovely for dd to have a garden for her to use and for dgs to play in with his paddling pool etc but I know I would come back to a wrecked home, what do I do?

WideWebWitch Tue 12-Jul-05 11:30:08

Say no. Quite simple. I'd refuse him house space too. Be there for her when she leaves him and let her know you will be, there's not much more you can do imo.

ggglimpopo Tue 12-Jul-05 11:30:45

Message withdrawn

starlover Tue 12-Jul-05 11:31:29

i have to say i wouldn't let her stay.

if you felt that you could tell her that she could stay with the kids but he wasn;'t allowed then it'd be different. but presumably she would let him regardless?

such a sad situation... i really feel for you (and your dd of course)

Lizzylou Tue 12-Jul-05 11:31:44

Gosh, what a conundrum, much as you love your DD and DGS, you have to say no...and hope and pray that your DD comes to her senses.......

assumedname Tue 12-Jul-05 11:32:15

In these circumstances, I would have to say no.

nikcola Tue 12-Jul-05 11:32:18

could she not stay at yours with a friend then she wont be lonley and she wont want him there?

Chuffed Tue 12-Jul-05 11:33:22

What about asking your dd to 'water your plants' and if the weather is nice she is welcome to use your garden for the children but mention that you don't really want them to 'stay'.
I wouldn't want them staying in my house if you expect the worse to happen.

starlover Tue 12-Jul-05 11:33:24

btw... agree with ggglimpopo! show your daughter this!
in fact, perhaps priont the whole thread off!

ScummyMummy Tue 12-Jul-05 11:38:48

I think ggglimpopo's idea to show your daughter what you've written here is a very good one. Your post says it all really. Your love for your daughter and grandchildren is jumping off the screen and so is your worry about the terrible relationship she is in. Your reservations about this man she is with sound completely justified and I think you should definitely say no to his being in your house, as others have said. The eloquence and love in your written words here may show your daughter why you have reached this decision better than any amount of conversation, IMO.

milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 11:39:44

I couldn't show her this thread she would be so upset and angry that I have spoken about it on here and I really don't want to do that, she has just had a baby and her emotions are all over the place anyway, I think she would probably take it completely the wrong way.

Chuffed, I have thought about asking her to water the plants etc but I know that if I gave her a key her partner would come with her as I wouldn't be there (I will not allow him in my home).

starlover Tue 12-Jul-05 11:41:04

oh milkshake..
i think all you can do is tell her the truth. that you would love for her to stay, but you just can't trust her partner (which presumably she already knows!)

ScummyMummy Tue 12-Jul-05 11:41:20

Could you write it in a letter to her rather than directing her to the thread here?

milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 11:46:15

To be honest she hasn't asked me yet, I just know she will and I'm trying to get the answers straight in my head before she does, its going to be really difficult as she is so emotional at the moment.

batters Tue 12-Jul-05 11:47:46

No I wouldn't.

Her partner could easily get the keys and trash your place.

I think that you should think of it this way. If you go away and have a really nice time and not have to worry about your house being ruined, you will be in a much better state to come back and carry on being a good mum and grandmother. Your grandchildren can come round with your daughter and use your garden when you are at home.

milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 11:58:03

Think I'm going to have to be honest but tactful, dd knows how I feel about her partner so it shouldn't be to much of a suprise if I say no.

I just know its going to hurt her

I'll have to make up for it when I come back by doing loads of babysitting, that way we both 'win' she gets time to herself and I get loads of cuddles with the new baby and time with dgs.

ScummyMummy Tue 12-Jul-05 12:00:53

You sound like a star, milkshake.

milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 12:02:31

Thank you ScummyMummy, and I must say you don't sound 'scummy' at all lol.

spub Tue 12-Jul-05 12:10:02

Milkshake - how awful.Feel so sorry for you and for your dd.
Have to agree - don't let them have access to the lovely home that you have worked so hard for so that this waste of space can do damage to it.
Is there no one else that you trust who you could ask to stay there while you are away so that when your dd asks you can honestly say that the house will be occupied?

milkshake7 Tue 12-Jul-05 12:58:10

spub, good idea but I think dd would be a little bit put out that I would ask someone else rather than her so I think I will just have to be honest with her if she asks, I have asked a neighbour (and good friend) to water the plants and keep an eye on things.

.

Jimjams Tue 12-Jul-05 14:35:29

No, and I think I would tell her why- gently- but she does have a choice to leave him (even if she can't at this moment, she does have a choice).

What an awful situation- I was upset enough when I met up with a long lost friend and found that she had taken up with the most unpleasant revolting person I have ever met (sounds like your dd's partner ) I was about to get married, and agonised over inviting them - we didn't, he was too awful and would have upset too many people.

Let her use the garden when you're around and you don't have to worry about your house being trashed.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now