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Access problem - sorry long one!

(8 Posts)
TwinSetAndPearls Sun 10-Jul-05 20:44:23

My ex has just phoned again to say he won't be seeing our dd next weekend, he didn't come this weekend either. This is a regular occurance, she didn't see him for six weeks earlier in the year.

Dd gets very upset as she is bright enough to understand which day she should be seeing her dad and therefore is distraught when he doesn't appear.

I have raised this matter politlely with ex saying how important it is that he turns up everyweek not only for dd wellbeing but to give me a break so I can come back as a refreshed parent and give dp and I some quality time togther which again benefits dd as she comes home to a house filled with calm loving feelings!

DD becomes so upset when she returns from her dad's access as she is distruaght when he leaves incase she doesn't see him again, sometimes she trashes her bedroom, or hits and shouts at me. When dp goes to work she is inconsolable if she cannot remember him leaving, worrying that he will not come back. She clearly has a schema that men she loves will disapear, this is putting a great stress on us as a family unit. My ex has been slightly more regular with access until the past few weeks but this has been accompanied by dd starting to wet the bed at night again and even pooing herself which she has not done for almost 2 years.

Her tantrums and emotional distress has got so bad we are currently seeing a child mental health specialist, my ex has been to an appointment, the counsellor stated that he thought the root of dd problems was her sporadic access with her father. Despite hearing this from the counsellor ex did not turn up for the following weekends access!

I don't know what to do, dd loves her dad and I am sure in his own way he loves her too. They have lovely days out together but we are in a no win situation. If she does see him she comes back distraught and angry and if he doesn't turn up we have the same. When he went AWOL for six weeks after the third week she became a different child so happy and well behaved.

Should I, could I stop the access? ( I don;t want to for a variety of reasons 1 she loves her dad 2- I don;t want her to blame for her relationship with her father breaking down 3 DP and I love our time alone together!) Can I do anything to enforce access - we have no legal agreement? Do I just have to go on as we are.

TwinSetAndPearls Sun 10-Jul-05 23:11:23


TwinSetAndPearls Mon 11-Jul-05 10:48:28


hunkermunker Mon 11-Jul-05 10:51:35

Does he know how upset she is that he doesn't see her regularly? I wouldn't mention that you need the time off his visits provide, but emphasise how important it is for your DD that she needs to see her dad, whom she loves very much. And say that she obviously can't cope with the irregularity of his visits, so perhaps if he can't be bothered to ensure he is there for her regularly, they should stop for a while.

WideWebWitch Mon 11-Jul-05 10:55:11

I sympathise, poor you and dd but don't know what to suggest, sorry.

tarantula Mon 11-Jul-05 11:03:02

Has he given any particular reason for not turning up to see his dd? How often is he supposed to come and see her? How far away does he live? Does he take her for the weekend or is it a daily visit? What I mean to say is would it be beter and easier on all of you if you changed the access arrangements so that he might be able to come more regularly even if it is less often. It seems to me that your dd needs to know when her dad is turning up and if it is less frequent but more regular then it would be better.
TBH some people just dont understand how their behaviour affects the people closest to them and need it rubbed in very clearly. Obviously this hasnt sunk in with your ex yet. I think that you need to sit down with your ex and explain taht if he is not willing to visit at the set times that you will have to restrict his access to protect your daughters mental health.

TwinSetAndPearls Mon 11-Jul-05 19:40:36

He has moved to the next town to us so a short bus journey, he said he moved to be closer to dd but have since found out he had to move as he couldn't afford to stop in London.

He can only see dd at weekends, he is supposed to have her from every saturday morning and overnight, he then returns her so we can go to church together

He doesn't turn up for a variety of reasons, the past few times it has been so he can go to a concert, so he can go to a party and this time he is working over the weekend, and he has just phoned to say he will not be home for two more weekends. He works for the family business, his work colleage at the same level as him in the business who also is divorced does not work weekends so he can see his children but my ex does not amke that priority. I would understnd if he had to put work first occasionally but not all the time. It feels as if keeping in with the family are his priority over his own child.

He does know the effect it is having on dd, he has heard it from me, my dp and proffesionals involved in dd welfare. He has promised me again and again things will change but they haven't.

TwinSetAndPearls Mon 11-Jul-05 23:36:00

any other advice? Anyone?

Am thinking of reducing access to every other saturday. As tarantula advised it is probably better to have less access but keep to it.

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