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Why am I so upset about this??

(4 Posts)
SorryToHideIdentity Wed 06-Jul-05 14:16:22

Sorry to hide identity but parts of this are so personal i dont think i could reveal. I know i shouldnt be ashamed but i just dont want everyone knowing.

Background is that when suffering PND it came out that my birth dad had abused me. He had also abused my sister who had disclosed many years before and was ousted from the family. I have other sisters who it apparantly didnt happen too. My dad was already dead when it came out about me.

Basically family are all together again etc. Things have been going well all round. Feeling lots stronger than have in years and the fact that i was passing the church thought i would stop and visit dads grave. My reasons were because despite the history i still love him.

The thing is i couldnt find his grave and ended up checking every stone in the area and it is gone. My mum had asked me my views a year or so back about having it removed and i clearly said no. Despite the past he was my dad and trying to extinguish his existence isnt going to help. I ended up in tears in graveyard, proper sobbing. I called one of my sisters (who hadnt been abused in same way) and she was gutted too as no one had told us. Cant speak to my mum as she is away, cant speak to other sister who was abused as she has never really dealt with it. The vicar isnt around to find out details and I feel complete and utter sadness. Got to pick ds up so have to look all refreshed etc because he obviously knows nothing. My dad died over 10 years ago so ds never met him. I feel awful and so upset. sorry

horseshoe Wed 06-Jul-05 14:38:47

Oh dear this is such a hard thing for you to deal with especially caught up in mixed emotions.

I know it's hard but the gravestone is gone...Try to find another way of grieving for him and remember the gravestone only symbolised your fathers death....His body is there but He was never really there and his place is much better remembered in your thoughts and photos of him. Maybe lighting a candle in memory of him or creating your own little memorial in your garden would help you have a little private place to speak with him or remember him.....

SorryToHideIdentity Wed 06-Jul-05 21:19:25

Thank you horseshoe. The vicar called me this afternoon and headstone is deff gone but the base is still there - i didnt even realise the that is had a base but it was previously underground to stabilise.

I am so comletely upset by this. It was a real shock going there to find it gone.

I know he did bad things but i also have good memories and he was still my dad. I burnt many of my photos of him a few years back when it was all very raw so i dont have any of those.

It is not so much that i want to light a candle for him or tht i ma still actively grieving - but i wanted to ground myself to where i am and everything is in life iykwim.

SorryToHideIdentity Wed 06-Jul-05 21:19:37

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