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this will sound awful pls don't hate me

(37 Posts)
hidingbehindaname Sun 26-Jun-05 21:05:41

Hello, I have a son who is 14 months old. I have been dipping into this site and using the archives for many things and it has been a great form of reference for me.

I have been very shy and hung back seeing all the diiferent characters here, not contributing as such, until now. have used a name that I won't use in the future as I am too much of a coward to post real name.

Just wanted to share my thoughts really. My DS is a very challenging baby, always was and still is. I just get a little drained with peope askign me what is wrong with him all the time -
blaming, colic at first, wind, then teething, him being tired, perhaps hungry. I gues in the space of the last month or so I have had several people remark:
"I don't think I've ever seen your baby happy"
"he is a grump isn't he?"

even the nursery staff have said the following in front of me

"Oh there goes ** protesting again"
"Moaning again what a surprise"

etc. Sorry to ramble on but I have done so much tomake sure that my son is happy, fed , watered, stimulated and at times have felt I get not much in return. he seems very uncomfortable around other children and adults, very introverted, moody. I find him lately a real puzzle as it seems to be quite a challenge.

Anyway, my DH really wants another baby and terrible as this may sound the thought of another child who is as much hard work as mine makes me freeze rigid.

Please don't misunderstand me and attack me feeling this way. My DS is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have known no love like the feeling I have for him and know I would defend and protect him with every last breath in my body.

I really think I couldn't have another, at times I even feel resentful that he won't give me a break, play nicely with other children or even have regular naps when he should.

Think I have rambled enough.
and sorry for the typos, needed to rush this out.

mogwai Sun 26-Jun-05 21:07:25

you sound frazzled . I'm not surprised you don't want another right now. Hav eyou said that to your dh?

vickiyumyum Sun 26-Jun-05 21:08:53

i understand totally how you feel, have had and and pnd with my ds2 and feel that there is no way that i could consider having anohter baby at the moment or in the near future.
i would say that at 14 months you have plenty of time to make this decision and whats the rush? I'm sure that your ds will grow out of it soon, some babies are just grumpy little things and then suddenly once they become more mobile, and able to speak etc, they become less frustrated and therfore happier children.

gigglinggoblin Sun 26-Jun-05 21:13:48

dont feel guilty, motherhood is hard work and we all know it! most people have felt like this at some time or another and all babies have different personalities, the good news for you is they change dramatically in a short space of time. 14 months can be quite a hard age - they understand and want so much but cannot communicate or get about efficiantly to reach their goals - its no wonder they get frustrated!

you sound very lovely, and obviously love your baby. you have to wait til the time is right to have another one and if you feel like this it probably isnt now. that doesnt mean you will never want another tho! i found my first baby very hard (pnd - not actually his fault) and thought i would never have another - here i am with 3!

hope things improve soon, am sure they will x

lilaclotus Sun 26-Jun-05 21:14:05

{{hu}} i think your ds is still very young and maybe you could tell your dh you would rather wait and see how ds is as a toddler before having another. i personally only feel ready for another now dd is 4 and we've been through that stage. i do hope you will find him less challenging and that people stop commenting on the negative, that sounds horrible.
take care!

thedogmother Sun 26-Jun-05 21:14:31

My ds2 was only happy when he was with us, if anyone else tried to talk to him he simply wouldn't look at them, would never go to anyone else and would just turn away. We have photos from when he was a baby and he simply looks miserable, or he has his thumb jammed in his mouth. He's still a somewhat shy child, I think some children are just like that. DS1 is totally different, I might well have felt like you about another baby if they had been the other way round. Even so, I remember thinking that the love I felt for ds1 was so overwhelming, that how could I even consider another child? That feeling stayed up until the birth of ds2, then of course the love for him welled up and I love them both so much.

lilaclotus Sun 26-Jun-05 21:14:36

that was meant to be a {{hug}}

HappyHuggy Sun 26-Jun-05 21:15:05

why would we hate you?

we all have feelings like this

Nimme Sun 26-Jun-05 21:15:11

Hi hiding!

I don't blame you for not wanting another right now. When DD1 was 2 did we briefly talk and dimiss the thought of having another all together. She was quite a handful - very demanding. Once I had her in a strict routine life became better - but still hard work. When she had been in nursery part-time for a year (and I had had a real break from her) did I change my mind. DD2 is now 7 months (and also a bit of a handful - but I can handle it now). I know many many people with a small age gap - I could never have dealt with it. The gap is 5 years between mine - bigger than I'd ideally wanted but that's how it worked out in the end. Incidentally DD1 is a pure delight now (and has been for a long long time).

Not sure if that helps in any way - but don't feel guilty. Talk to DH - hopefully he'll understand and not put pressure on you

Ladymuck Sun 26-Jun-05 21:16:08

For what it is worth I can probably relate to some of what you've said - ds1 was very hard work, and it was only my personal very strong preference for wanting more than one child, and the fact that ds1 was the result of our 3rd IVF attempt (and it might take another couple of years to be successful again) that led me towards attempting number 2.

I've no idea how mobile your son is at present, but over the next 18 moths or so your son will be far more able to take control of his environment (which will also mean some hard work as you set up and enforce the boundaries), and especially once he can walk and talk you will notice a totally different side to him.

Ds2 looks the spitting image of ds1, but has a much less demanding demeanour, probably both in terms of his nature, and the fact that he has an older sibling. However the interaction between the 2 of them regularly brings me great joy.

You shouldn't rush into another pg until you're ready though. Being pg with a difficult toddler is not easy. But you haven't necessarily got a moody boy for life, not will a second child necessarily be similar.


edam Sun 26-Jun-05 21:42:45

Vicki's right IMO - some babies just don't like being babies and cheer up once they can move around and do stuff for themselves. One of my very best friends' ds's was like this - grumpy all the way until about 15 months old. Then suddenly flowered! Strange but true...

Think it's really unprofessional of nursery staff to talk like that about your ds though - no wonder he's grumpy if he gets such negative attention all the time. It's just reinforcing the situation. If you feel up to it, I'd have a word with his keyworker/the manager, tell them to stop being so negative towards your son and start to encourage him to enjoy stuff. It's your perogative as his mother to feel fed up with him some times, but they shouldn't behave like this.

edam Sun 26-Jun-05 21:45:31

Actually, thinking about this some more, there was a little girl at ds's nursery who was like this - whenever I dropped off or picked up ds, so at various times of day, she was moaning or miserable, poor little sausage. Yet I never heard the nursery staff say anything negative towards her, even when they didn't realise I was there IYSWIM - as I was coming up the stairs, for instance, I could hear staff and kids talking and never heard them say anything to her they wouldn't say to the other, livelier children. Really do think you should have a word.

Frizbe Sun 26-Jun-05 21:49:11

Just a thought, but could crainial osteopathy, help his mood? just thinking from various threads, how it appears to have altered babies moods?

hidingbehindaname Sun 26-Jun-05 21:54:30

I really thought I would get blasted for my comments.

DS isn't mobile yet, seems very bright.

The reason I am feeling a little pressured is DH wants to have all of our children in the next few years, I am getting on a bit . He doesn't want big age gaps and I must admit to not being too keen on having to go through sleepless night after a break.

I probably sound like I am contradicting myself here...arrrrrhg just adds to the confusion!

Re the nursery the staff are lovely there and I must say that the comments are more tongue in cheek rather than malicious.

I think I am getting used to all the comments now, but on a particularly bad day I just wonder what having someone else's placid, happy child would be like.

dizzymama Sun 26-Jun-05 21:54:34

Oh Hiding,I really feel for you.My Dd has been exactly like this and I too got very bored of blaming her grumpiness on a sucession of different things and just used to say, when asked if she was teething / tired etc, 'No, she'sjust miserable as usual'. I felt terrible and still do when she goes through periods like this. I'm afraid I only have one so can't comment on a second child but know if my Dh suggested another now I'd have to think long and hard for the same reasons as yourself. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone, and, as the answers have shown, no one blames you for your feelings.
BTW I took dd to a chiropractor as a last resort before feeling I had to book myself into the loony bin. She improved greatly after this (at least i got longer periods between the whines!) I'm not saying it willwork for all but it helped her hugely.
Sending big hugs your way

hidingbehindaname Sun 26-Jun-05 21:55:49

we tried the cranial oesteopathy, had no effect.

Blu Sun 26-Jun-05 21:58:38

oooh, poor you, 'Hiding', there's certainly nothing at all in your post that would make anyone on Mn hate you!.
People have already offered some good sygestions, have you talked to your Health Visitor about your baby's apparant gribbliness? i wonder if he is allergic or intolerant to anyhting?

However, I think things might seem much less pressured for you if you didn't feel that time was ticking to get pregnant again. Talk to your DHJ, let him know that in principl you would like another, but for now you need to give time and energy to DS1 and can't think about another just yet.

Try not to feel guilty - you don't need to, and it's just another presssure for you. If you have got a baby who is assertive about his needs, it's important that you look after yourself, too!

dizzymama Sun 26-Jun-05 21:58:51

A trip to the chiropractor may help? They work on the skull as well as the rest of the body. HAve you thought about doing something like baby yoga with him? Just throwing out thoughts here....

hidingbehindaname Sun 26-Jun-05 21:58:57

DM, no, in fact all of you. I just want you to know that I am sat here crying as I type...tears of relief really.

What a blessed relief it's not just bloody me.

dizzymama Sun 26-Jun-05 21:59:39

Me again!!!
Dd also improved after switching her to lactose free milk.

dizzymama Sun 26-Jun-05 22:00:34

Obviously advised by doctor!!
Here have a tissue chuck
It's not just you.

hidingbehindaname Sun 26-Jun-05 22:01:06

HV just said, you have a high maintenance baby you'll just have to get used to the idea. But that's fine. I gather from this site that not all HVs are too helpful.

edam Sun 26-Jun-05 22:01:26

Oh hiding, poor you. Must have been so miserable feeling all alone with this. So glad this thread has made you realise you aren't and that you are allowed to feel like this.
Bless you.

mummytosteven Sun 26-Jun-05 22:02:17

just one thing to add - my 15 month old definitely doesn't have regular naps - so you're not alone on the naps one, and I think just easier to accept you've not got a napper, and smile sweetly at people boasting about their kids 3 hour naps, rather than feel you need to alter their sleep patterns.

stitch Sun 26-Jun-05 22:07:59

hiding, sound like you have a perfectly normal little boy.
and i can empathise with you sooo much. i remember telling dh that if he wanted more kids, hed have to go find some other woman to have them.
ive seen other people with placid children. they tend to be girls. mine are not placid. if anything the girl is worse than the boys. but what you saay just sound so normal to me. please dont feel bad. life isnt like the tv ads.

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