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Cold water surrounds me now, and all I have got is your hand

(20 Posts)
astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:06:20

Isn't it strange how you canthink everythings okay, have a kind of normal day and then something so simple can make you feel such turmoil and desperation. Just watched coldplay never been a massive fan, at the end of the set was a song that just reduced me to tears. I want someone to @fix me' as was the title of the song. My life is full of everything and nothing, I have so much love but feel so empty. I don't want him, he has no respect for me but I can't imagine life without him. I can't imagine sharing my kids with noone or anyone else, but how i want to be free of the misery he has brought to me. There is no way out, no conceivable way that things can ever get any better, if he could be the person i know he can be then at least i could feel some sort of salvation. But I am unrealistic, i know it, he won't change, he has had enough chances, but i won't leave, can't leave and feel so desperately unhappy and mournful for the person i once was. the person that my friends think i am, the charade that is my life. To feel empty and alone when surrounded by so many people is scarey, to not be able to reach out and share how you feel for fear of life changing in a way thatyou both want and don't want. i want to scream i want to shout, but most of all i want to be me.Without feeling like everything i do is wrong, i know it isn't but i make him so unhappy, i can't do enough, yet i do so much. Stuck in this situation with so much to be grateful for but underneath so sad, desperate and alone. Self indulgent drivel, don't feel the need to respond, wanted to shout and be heard.

moondog Sun 26-Jun-05 01:09:48

You have been heard astonished. Want to say more?

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:14:05

You're really sad aren't you? I know that feeling of wanting to be the girl you once was-confident,bouncy,fun,free-things change-we change-when it goes wrong its easy to remember that freedom-its when we had a lightness of being.
You are not alone.

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:14:32

Thanks for asking but i wouldn't really know where to start I just feel completely enlightened, Kind of like a self realisation that i can't do anything about because my feelings are so confused, I guess that make no sense what soever. Music is so powerful and makes me feel like i used to feel, I guess i want that back

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:16:13

know what you mean-music holds good memories-can bring back powerful feelings and also realise feelings you didn't know you had.

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:19:51

Just coming on here and off loading and actually putting down how i feel has made me feel better, for now. One day i really want fulfillment, I get it from the kids but sometimes i feel that its not enough. I guess more than anything i want the one person whose supposed to love me just to show me some respect. i get it from others just not from him, he hates me and I really don't like how that makes me feel.

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:21:08

Why does he hate you?

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:24:40

Because i don't make him happy and vice versa. We want to, just don't, we are so different and seven years down the line i have realised he ho;ds many of the views i just can't stand in a person. Its awful because he isn't a bad person, just not a person i can talk to or confide in or rely on, sometimes i want someone to be strong for me and he can't because he doesn't want to.

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:26:40

I sometimes think I am in the same boat or close to boarding it!

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:28:56

Sorry to hear that i hate to think of others feeling like this. Its so easy to pretend though isn't it?? Its so draining though i sometimes i wonder if I'll just fall to pieces one day. Or leave and wonder why i wasted my life, its just so awful

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:31:01

How old are you children/you?

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:32:08

I am 26 and have four small children all five and under

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:37:13

Medal alert!!!! That is VERY young to have so many children-I spent my twenties in a drunken,drug fuelled haze and then grew up and had my two boys at 32 and 34-I have mixed feelings about anyone having kids before they are 30-you didn't have time to grow up and experiment with life much,eh??

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:41:22

I had a crazy time before my kids but yes it could have gone on longer!! Had I not had children i think i was on the path to self destruct, so many thought that i was a better person one I had kids, but i liked the old me. i don't want to change, i don't dislike myself I just want to be loved I want to be adored i want to rock someones world, i want to make someone happy. I'm never going to get that here as i'm realising that he will never be happy he has so much but for him, like me i suppose its never enough.

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:43:04

I wouldn't change my kids for the world, but my life wasn't supposed to be like this

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:49:16

Ditto! Listen,I have to go to bed-there will always be people to listen to you on here-I'm SO sorry life has made you feel unfulfilled-I know what its like for your kids to fill your world and for you to forget the real you,the sexy you,the loving you and what makes you happy but it is commonly a side effect of motherhood. Hope to talk to you again-I'll save this thread and post again on Monday when I will next be on,eh?
Goodnight sweet lady!

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:51:47

Go to bed!!! Thanks though genuinely, its nice to vent I probably should do it more it makes it so real and thats what i'm scared of. Sleep well x

astonished Sun 26-Jun-05 01:52:46

Oh and thanks for understanding its nice to be understood x

dropinthe Sun 26-Jun-05 01:53:41

x x x

redsky Sun 26-Jun-05 05:34:01

Hi astonished - your posting has made me cry, because here I am awake again at 4am and I was about to post THE EXACT WORDS you have posted!

Only difference is I have been with my dh for 24 years, our children are 17 and 12. We own a pub. Six months ago we employed a new chef who has completely changed my life. From day one he has admired and praised my hard work - while dh constantly undermines my efforts. Last night was the busiest we have ever been. The chef and I were slogging our guts out to keep the customers happy - and working under enormous pressure. One minute after the chef had said he had never worked with anyone so competent and good tempered (me!) dh came through the kitchen moaning about me being a bad tempered old witch as usual!

Heaven only knows where this is all going to lead. I have never felt a passion for dh in the way I do about this chef and I know the chef feels the same about me. He was divorced last year after 23 years of marriage. But dh would be devestated if he knew how I felt - he thinks he works hard to provide a decent life for us but in reality he fiddles about on the edges of our lives and does nothing to support me or the children emotionally. The children barely bother to speak to him now - first they have to divert his attention away from the tv (almost impossible) and they know he never quite gets the gist of what they are saying or asking. He says he can't understand ds because he mumbles (he doesn't - well not as much as other teens do) and that dd's voice is at a frequency he finds difficult to hear!

What dh does have is pots of money inherited from his father - which confuses the issue for me cos I feel like a gold digger. When I married him I had never heard the expression and thought how nice it would be that we would never have major financial worries to fret about - but that idea went pear-shaped when we were summonsed for bankruptcy in 1993! A year ago he inherited a load more money (about 800K) which we are about to invest in the house of my dreams next door to the pub.

I have some huge decisions to make - and it really helps being able to sound off on MN. Like you, astonished, I'm not looking for responses here - I'm just having a massive shout!

Phew - that feels better already!

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