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OMG, I am so confused! Don't think you can help but had to 'tell' someone!

(33 Posts)
albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:27:11

I am so so confused I can't think straight. Following my recent post about making the right decision between moving to Brazil or staying in Venice for DH to do his Phd (thanks to all those who contributed), last night DH received a call from the people offering him the job in Brazil. They have upped the salary by 20%, added private medical insurance and given a months salary to do with as we like towards the move (relocation, rental whatever). It now also turns out that there are only 2 grants open to students for the Phd and thus the chances of DH getting one are quite slim to say the least.
If we stay in Venice for the Phd it will be for 2 years only then we have to move abroad to who knows were. We will not be able to survive on my salary alone once DH starts his studies so he will have to find work somehow.
If we leave I will have to quit my lovely job here obviously but there is a very high chance of me getting work in Brazil.
DS has one more year of nursery left before he starts 'formal' education but if we stay here it will be for 2 years so we would have to pull him out once he has started (and we don't really want to). If we go to Brazil he can complete his nursery education and start his formal education. He can already speak Portuguese as DH is Brazilian and only speaks in Portuguese to DS so language is not an issue. DH feels that this is a good opportunity for DS to feel his Brazilian culture first hand which is true.
But, and here's the crunch' I don't want to go but would not even consider splitting up our happy family (which some people have suggested!)
Oh, and we have to give an answer by Friday and DH would have to start work by end August!!

QueenOfQuotes Wed 22-Jun-05 11:29:47

How soon would he find out if he's got the grant for his Phd???

QueenOfQuotes Wed 22-Jun-05 11:30:50

also - want to say - "wow" your DH must be a great worker and "highly desirable" (in the work sense that is - although I'm sure he's also very desirable to you too ) for them to offer to up the salary and perks!

TracyK Wed 22-Jun-05 11:34:14

I'd hold out for even more money and perks! they obv. really want him. Has he looked for similar job in Venice? Does your dh really want to do his Phd?
What are your ages by the way (if not too cheeky)

albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:35:19

We won't get an answer re the grant until mid-August at least, too late by then.
And I forgot to add that if we go between now and mid August we have a two holiday scheduled, DH has to go to Bosnia for a meeting, Euador to attend and present in another meeting and Senegal to give a presentation!! In the mean time I think I'll sit in the corner and have a break-down!

TracyK Wed 22-Jun-05 11:37:26

surely they would let him start end sept? if they so desperate for him. you can always say yes - start end sept, then change mind if grant comes through august time. Bad form for letting company down at last minute - but it happens all the time!

albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:38:18

TraceyK crossed posts.
The job is doing Amazonian project management for the British Embassy, so no chance of anything remotely similar here.
I am 41, DH is 38 and he does want to do his Phd but thinks this is too good to miss, he can always do the Phd later (so he says)

QueenOfQuotes Wed 22-Jun-05 11:39:21

oooo - this is a tricky one - the last conundrum you set us was quite straight forward........stay in Venice.

But this!!! I'll have a think before I give my 'final answer' on what "I" think you should do.

albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:44:11

He said about starting in September but they said no way, they actually want him now, at least we got 2 and half months longer. We also considered holding out until the grant situation is cleared up but if the answer is 'no grant' then we have to move in about 1 day! Which can't be done because we have to arrange international movers ect and it is suggested that 6 weeks is the minimum - of course DS and I would stay behind and arrange this if needs be (I did it once before from Copenhagen to Venice - a nightmare)

throckenholt Wed 22-Jun-05 11:44:48

I would go with the job (if he thinks it is a good job) - if you have a longterm plan to go to Brazil anyway.

I PhD is not somthing you can do in 2 years - so unless you can be sure of funds for the full time to do it - it is probably too risky for the whole family for only 2 years.

Not an easy decision though.

TracyK Wed 22-Jun-05 11:47:38

Sounds like the job is a winner! Sorry!
Why don't you want to move - have you had experience of Brazil and didn't like it - or is it just that you love Venice so much.
How long is the contract in Brazil for? could you have a longer term goal of coming back to Venice in say 5 years? and then maybe you'd find that you loved Brazil?

JoolsToo Wed 22-Jun-05 11:49:47

what will make you happiest? follow your heart.

albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:51:59

I lived in Brazil for 2 years and hated it although this time is in an entirely different place, about 2 hours flight away from the interfering 'outlaws' and this time we have DS. I think/hope there will be a reasonable expat comunity, last time I was totaly alone in terms of English speakers although I do speak Portugues but not to the 'girly chat'level. Hope I can still get on MN out there!

TracyK Wed 22-Jun-05 11:53:01

OMG!! - imagine you couldn't get MN??? Maybe you should ask new employers first before accepting!!

albert Wed 22-Jun-05 11:59:45

Right, I'm going to thrash this out in the gym now maybe that'll help me clear my mind.
Joolstoo - happiest is to stay here (for me at least) but it's only postponing the inevitable by 2 years since after 2 years on the Phd DH would have to move to another international uni to complete it (part of the regulations)
Will keep you updated and may need words of incouragement in the near future.

Nightynight Wed 22-Jun-05 12:40:44

goodbye Venice, hello Brazil....

jabberwocky Wed 22-Jun-05 13:01:45

Just putting in my two cents but it does sound like Brazil is the clear winner. Maybe try not to let your previous experience color your perception of the move. Think of it as a completely new adventure - it really does sound fab.

tortoiseshell Wed 22-Jun-05 13:06:23

I would go! He can always do a PHd later, and I understand what he means about getting ds to experience Brazilian culture.

I think it can be a lot easier finding friends once you've got children - if he's in nursery then there are parents of other children, or toddler groups etc. Hard decision to make though! Good luck!

LGJ Wed 22-Jun-05 13:17:44

I would go.

It is a lesser situation, but I did not want to move North-South, I cried all the way down the A1 and I mean cried, we did it in two cars and I bawled like a baby as I didn't have to put a brave face on it for any one.

I didn't have DS, but I was pregnant within 3 months of moving, DS has been a real ice breaker for me.

I have never been happier.

It took a year or so to truly feel settled, but I have never looked back.

Put it this way, my ultimate aim has always been to go back to Dublin, now, any job offer would need to have mega bells and whistles on it to even get me to look at it.

Not sure if this is any help.


WideWebWitch Wed 22-Jun-05 13:22:30

Oh god, sorry, but I think you ought to go albert. You can work, dh can work, ds will be happy and sorted, I can't see how you couldn't really. See if you can get a relocation agent thrown in so there's less work for you and make broadband a non negotiable condition of where you live! If you were unhappy because of ILs last time and you'd be further from them this time maybe it'll work out. You can always move again if you hate it. It sounds too good to pass up tbh. OTOH I'd say don't do it if it'll truly make you and your family (inc dh) unhappy.

fireflyfairy2 Wed 22-Jun-05 13:28:38

Are you near Dublin LGJ? Im in the North of Ireland

LGJ Wed 22-Jun-05 19:09:48

No I am in Surrey.

Ellbell Wed 22-Jun-05 22:38:30

Tricky one Albert. Is it a dottorato di ricerca he's applied for? The Italian system is notoriously difficult and the job sounds really good. I don't know what his subject is (sounds like something scientific though from your post, so I may be talking rubbish here as I only know about Arts subjects) but is it feasible for him to apply to do the PhD part-time and to begin working on it remotely while working in Brazil? (If it were, say, a literary subject, which is the sort of thing I know about, that would be no problem, but I can see that it's a different kettle of fish if it requires collaboration with colleagues, access to labs etc.).

I wouldn't want to leave Venice, either, though!

Good luck.

Cam Wed 22-Jun-05 23:19:13

Gosh, Venice to Brazil - nothing remotely similar about those two places is there? I have been to Venice twice and to Brazil (although only Rio) once and I'd love to live in either, but you couldn't get 2 more different places if you tried could you?

If my dh was Brazilian I'd go to Brazil to live.

Cam Wed 22-Jun-05 23:20:05

Although I was hoping to meet you next time I go to Venice

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