Just going to vent here and have name changed to do so.
No need to respond.
Feeling really bad atm but these thoughts are with me all the time.
I did ok at school. Just that.
My mother had been to Art college in the 50s and loved it. She always said she would like one of her children to go.
Got into art college at 17.
Floundered around there for 4 years. Thought I wanted to do graphics/illustration but the reality of briefs and deadlines put me off as I didn't think I would deal with that very well, it would be constraining and boring. I showed some ability in painting though, to everyones surprise so I did that. 'Paint your experiences' the tutors said. I didn't have any. I was a schoolgirl. I din't go to pubs. I didn't drink. I went out with my old school friends some of whom were still at school. I was a virgin.
"When am I going to see you with a boyfriend?" my mother said. " I had loads of boyfriends at your age"
So I didn't get on very well.The tutors spent most of their time with very serious types who read James Joyce and could discuss their work at length.
I scraped through my degree and I think it was a mercy award from the college. They didn't want any failures to make their results to look bad.
"I don't understand" my mother said, "I had such a wonderful time there"
My degree was awarded late so I didn't graduate with the rest of the year.
I was in a relationship by then with a young man who would not let me touch him, who relieved me of my virginity because he said he thought it was what I wanted, who only had sex with me one other time, who as I found out later was sleeping with someone else, who years later seemed to admit he was gay.
I spent years on him.
I moved to London.
I did lots of different jobs and lived in lots of shared houses. That time was fun.I slept with a few different men. Mostly men who just wanted to have sex.
I met DP. After 3 months I went off sex. This caused huge ructions in our relationship. It does still.
I trained as a teacher thinking I could still be creative and earn a living and have a pension. I taught for 4 and a half years and then I left just before an ofsted inspection. I was getting very stressed, not by the ofsted but by the normal load of work a teacher has, by the atmosphere in the school and above all by the colleagues I worked with. I couldn't cope. I had nightmares. I developed migraine. So I ran away from it. I did supply for a year and enjoyed that.
I got pregnant. I have three children now. I am a SAHM. I am a crap mother. Children irritate me so much. Playing with them bores and frustrates me. I keep the house decent but only just.
I have failed academically.
I have failed in my relationship.
I have failed in my career.
I am failing in parenthood.
I don't know how to move in any direction. Its bad at the moment because I have pms but every day when I yell at the children, wish for peace and zone out of a 10 year olds 'then I said cool and she said.....' conversation 'Bad Mother' pops into my head.
There is not one thing that I do well.
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I feel a complete failure
5 replies
gettingitallout · 14/10/2009 13:34
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