I feel a complete failure(6 Posts)
Just going to vent here and have name changed to do so.
No need to respond.
Feeling really bad atm but these thoughts are with me all the time.
I did ok at school. Just that.
My mother had been to Art college in the 50s and loved it. She always said she would like one of her children to go.
Got into art college at 17.
Floundered around there for 4 years. Thought I wanted to do graphics/illustration but the reality of briefs and deadlines put me off as I didn't think I would deal with that very well, it would be constraining and boring. I showed some ability in painting though, to everyones surprise so I did that. 'Paint your experiences' the tutors said. I didn't have any. I was a schoolgirl. I din't go to pubs. I didn't drink. I went out with my old school friends some of whom were still at school. I was a virgin.
"When am I going to see you with a boyfriend?" my mother said. " I had loads of boyfriends at your age"
So I didn't get on very well.The tutors spent most of their time with very serious types who read James Joyce and could discuss their work at length.
I scraped through my degree and I think it was a mercy award from the college. They didn't want any failures to make their results to look bad.
"I don't understand" my mother said, "I had such a wonderful time there"
My degree was awarded late so I didn't graduate with the rest of the year.
I was in a relationship by then with a young man who would not let me touch him, who relieved me of my virginity because he said he thought it was what I wanted, who only had sex with me one other time, who as I found out later was sleeping with someone else, who years later seemed to admit he was gay.
I spent years on him.
I moved to London.
I did lots of different jobs and lived in lots of shared houses. That time was fun.I slept with a few different men. Mostly men who just wanted to have sex.
I met DP. After 3 months I went off sex. This caused huge ructions in our relationship. It does still.
I trained as a teacher thinking I could still be creative and earn a living and have a pension. I taught for 4 and a half years and then I left just before an ofsted inspection. I was getting very stressed, not by the ofsted but by the normal load of work a teacher has, by the atmosphere in the school and above all by the colleagues I worked with. I couldn't cope. I had nightmares. I developed migraine. So I ran away from it. I did supply for a year and enjoyed that.
I got pregnant. I have three children now. I am a SAHM. I am a crap mother. Children irritate me so much. Playing with them bores and frustrates me. I keep the house decent but only just.
I have failed academically.
I have failed in my relationship.
I have failed in my career.
I am failing in parenthood.
I don't know how to move in any direction. Its bad at the moment because I have pms but every day when I yell at the children, wish for peace and zone out of a 10 year olds 'then I said cool and she said.....' conversation 'Bad Mother' pops into my head.
There is not one thing that I do well.
nobody succeeds in most things.
There is not one thing I do to a very high standard but I have to do so many things in ther day I don't expect myself to!
Why do you expect so much of yourself? You have three children, you have a house to run, you're probably exhausted.
hey, I didn't get beyond GCSE's in my career, how can you say that going to college is failing? i doubt very much it was a mercy award.
So you wasted time with a man who turned out to be gay - most women have wasted time with some sort of unsuitable man in the past.
You sound perfectly normal to me.
you dont sound like a failure to me.......just a busy mum
perhaps you can find a little me time, i know it isnt easy to treat/spoil ourselves but it might help at the moment
Ok can I tell you what I see:
a hardworking student who suceeded at uni depite slack hippy teachers and no support. Well done you many would have dropped out.
I think many of us have had a period of "experimenting" and then realise it is not all it is cracked up to be. I call it part of lifes great tapestry!!!
A caring loving partner to an obnoxious self obsessed partner you showed incredible caring and commitment to stay depite the odds.
Three children later I am sure we have all gone off sex. It is hard to feel passionate with kids domestic issues hanging around.
Teaching (as I know) is a very stressful job and some schools seem to love to pile on the stress you sound unlucky to have meet such a school. You are obviously a great teacher if you enjoy supply.
A mum with three children is allowed to be annoyed by them - kids can be very annoying.
I think you need some time to be yourself and not have to think of anyone else for a few hours a week.
You have not failed at all you are a normal busy caring women who wants to please and look after others. Now is the time to look after you! You are not a failure
It seems to me that you have 'failed' / not had the experience you would have liked because those things weren't really the things YOU wanted to do... either someone else thought they were a great idea or they just happened to you - well how on earth could you be expected to succeedd / have someone else's ideal experience?
Thank you to those who took time to read and reply.
I felt better for writing it down and then reading the supportive posts.
Have been dancing around with my ipod on tonight and had a glass of wine to combat pms.Making resolutions to think more positively about my past.
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