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Is this over protective ?(long, but I've split it into paragraphs so it is more readable!)

(80 Posts)
handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:05:48

Dh has qualified (again) for an all expenses paid work junket (he has a self employed contract affiliated to a multi tied finance organisation). The work junket is to - jeez, I can't even remember, a lovely city in Europe (it's late, it might come to me in a minute). It is for 5 days and covers me and him (not the kids). It will be 5* luxury and FOC

I did go with him to Rome last year and left the children with my mum for 4 nights.

I'm not keen to do it on this occasion because mum is 72 and in failing health (dad is older and pretty damn useless). She has had hypertension for years plus angina, but things went the other way recently and she suffered seriously low bp (which still isn't corrected) and was admitted to CCU for a couple of days after a 999 call. Her bp still isn't fixed, she is still experiencing black outs and she is booked in for 24 hour ECG and stress testing.

The kids are nearly 3 and just turned 1. Crikey they tire me out and I'm a healthy 37 year old. Don't think it is right to expect mum to take them for 4 days.

My dh's parents are in their 70's too - and his mum is suffering health problems too.

Dh suggested SIL instead, but she is single, has no kids, is a manic depressive (but controlled at the moment) and although she is excellent for babysitting for a night, she really wouldn't cut it caring for both of them for 5 days. I know she isn't up to the job. I'll expand if you want me to.

Dh keeps telling me how disappointed he is with me and that I am being obstructive and unreasonable in refusing to go etc. Getting big time grief over it. Have told him that I am happy for him to go solo.

What's your take on it?

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:09:05

I hope that I haven't typed this up in a biased way, because I intend to print out any responses and show to dh. He will accuse me of trying to skew results.

Incidentally, I refused a week long trip to Arizona (without kids) earlier this year for same reasons

aloha Tue 07-Jun-05 00:09:25

I wouldn't go either. What a shame though. SOunds a lovely trip.
If it was just for a w/e might suggest paying for a live in nanny to come but five days is too long with a stranger. What about leaving hem with your mum but with a temporary nanny too? Or is that just too wildly complicated and expensive?

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:09:53

I'm off to bed but will check tomorrow to see if any responses (and to bump if there are none)

Au revoir

morocco Tue 07-Jun-05 00:10:49

can you take them with you or will that ruin the romance of it all? or even better, take them plus babysitter with you (babysitter to stay in cheapo one star hotel next door)

aloha Tue 07-Jun-05 00:11:02

NOt fair on kids to leave tehm with SIL I htink, and definitely not fair to expect 70 year old with heart probs to look after three year old an done year old - fantastically exhausting combo IMO. COuld do her real damage, i think, unless she had a nanny to do all donkey work. You can hire temp nannies quite easily I think.

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:11:17

Oh, Aloha - just seen your response.

No - a live in nanny for a few days staying in the house alongside mum might be just the thing. Yes it will be expensive - but hell we wouldn't be paying for the trip so it might be worth the expense.

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:12:12


We are not allowed to take them with us. It's a corporate type thing...

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:12:33

it makes me mad actually!

GeorginaA Tue 07-Jun-05 00:13:05

hmc I'm sitting here trying to work out a way to be able to say "go for it!" Sounds fantastic!

But in all honesty, I can't. I would be reluctant with leaving mine (4 and 1) that long in the care of someone who has no kids regardless of other issues unless they had a lot of kid experience in other ways. Overnight, yes. A weekend at a stretch, but 5 days? Agree that either sets of parents probably isn't workable either in the circumstances.

Not just from the run ragged point of view, but I don't know about your 1 year old, but my ds2 is into EVERYTHING at the moment. I just don't think that someone without a lot of energy or with a lot of experience of being able to outthink kids would be able to keep him out of A&E, quite honestly - I struggle myself most days

Really gutting, but I'd err on the "there'll be other trips" then sob lots

GeorginaA Tue 07-Jun-05 00:14:29

Live in nanny in combination with your mum might be doable if you can afford it and get a good recommend in time. Cool - knew someone would have more imagination than me

Newbarnsleygirl Tue 07-Jun-05 00:14:46

He has to think of it pratically, what if your mum and dad said they would have your children and on one of the days your dad nips to the shops or whatever and your mum passes out.

What would your kids do especially your 1 yr old.

If she's still up and down atm, looking after two young children won't help.

My nan has just turned 70, she does 4 fitness classes a week and walks everywhere and she is completly whacked after 1 hour with dd.

I can see why he would want you to go though, 5 days abroad, just the 2 of you. Fan flippin tastic!!!

Is there no one else at all?

Flossam Tue 07-Jun-05 00:14:56

Does it have to be family? Are there no family friends you could ask and perhaps offer some money towards? My mum was a single mum for quite a few years and never would have had any breaks had she not been able to leave me like this sometimes!! HTH, maybe something you hadn't considered

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:15:11


I don't personally mind that much missing out on the trip - it would be nice but the kids come first. It's just that dh thinks that I am an over protective uptight mad woman on this issue. Why can't he see it!?!

aloha Tue 07-Jun-05 00:15:40

My stepdaughter's mother quite often hires live in nannies so she can go on similar junkets with her dh. The kids love the nannies and have a good time with them.

Chandra Tue 07-Jun-05 00:16:20

What I do with DH is to acummulate points (in the like of: "I'm not going this time so we can save the money to go we all together the next time"). However, I havbe noticed that lately I'm more interested in holidays that offer some kind of childcare than the location itself

Newbarnsleygirl Tue 07-Jun-05 00:16:27

I hope that didn't come across insensitive.

Skribble Tue 07-Jun-05 00:16:28

Is it possible to get cheap flights for slef and kids and possibly pay suppliment for hotel for kids, maybe not acceptible if hotel is booked out to company.

I got the chance to join hubby in Paris last year, hotel was paid but I had to get flights, but my MIL was able to take them. Loved it so much we went back with the kids later in the year.

GeorginaA Tue 07-Jun-05 00:16:45

Dunno. Am trying not to be flippant and dismiss it as a "man" thing.

It's a man thing

morocco Tue 07-Jun-05 00:17:46

I am outraged - how exactly are you not allowed to take your children to Europe if you so wish? I'd do it now just to be arsy. What a b*gger. Wish I could think of a solution as it sounds a great trip. Live in nanny sounds promising.

assumedname Tue 07-Jun-05 00:17:57

What about splitting it between your mum and sil and inlaws in turn?

Can the kids go to a nursery during the day so that your mum/sil/inlaws would only have them evening and night?

Have you any friends who could help out for a day/couple of days?

It does seem a shame to miss out, although obviously understand your worries re childcare.

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:18:55

I have thought about friends - but it's a lot to ask innit?

The appropriate friends would be those with children, but then the friends I have with children have small kids that are dd's age....Closest friend also has a 1 yr old and 3 yr old. I guess I could ask her but it seems a bit much. What I really need is friends who are parents but with older children (don't have any in that category)

It's not that I am not keen to resolve this - just that I don't see a ready solution. I will investigate a temp nanny to look after them in conjunction with granny though....

bubblerock Tue 07-Jun-05 00:19:05

If you have the money could you book a trip for yourself and the children to coincide with DH and stay at the same Hotel - might work out cheaper than a nanny depending on where it is?

I can't see the point in you going if you're going to be fretting about the kids at home, it wouldn't be fun for either of you - I wouldn't do it.

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:21:29


The finance industry is male dominated, chauvinistic and not family friendly. Over the past few years we have missed all expenses paid work junkets (that dh has qualified for in blood sweat and tears) to:

Caribbean cruise
and there might be another, but can't recall.

They don't recognise that their successful movers and shakers might have young families.

handlemecarefully Tue 07-Jun-05 00:24:34


You know I suggested that to dh - how about we book my parents to stay in a hotel near us with the children sleeping over with them, but that we take the children during the day (so effectively we can go 'sans' children to the mostly night time based evening receptions that the Finance Co. organises)...but he grumpily replied that the trip wouldn't be suitable for young children - not that kind of place. (It's somewhere like Florence but not Florence - can't remember - senior moment, but can't wake dh to ask him). I think he is being unreasonable actually

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