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Shall I put my old female friend in touch with a man I might be interested in myself?

(8 Posts)
DickWhittingtonsCat Wed 01-Jun-05 09:53:05

This is a continuation of a saga which I thought was finished. I met someone who seemed very interesting indeed but was about to go abroad for 6 months. We met up 3 times before he left and he casually invited me over to visit him there (but I was unlikely to go as it is another continent and he knows I have ds to look after). We then emailed about twice a week for 2 months, without any innuendo, before having a disagreement about politics/religion. Then he did not reply for 2 weeks. However, I sent him a postcard from where I was on holiday. A week or so later he replied, thanking me for the postcard and boasting about all the interesting things he had been doing and new friends he had been making, and not referring to or continuing the political/religious discussion. He also said that he was going to be in London for a short while in early June, but did not suggest meeting up. That was 3 weeks ago, and I did not reply. I did not reply because it made me feel like he had only been emailing me because he was lonely when he arrived abroad alone, and as soon as he made new friends, and our conversation became in any way more personal or challenging, he just stopped abruptly. I also felt what was the point in saying he was going to be in London and not suggest meeting, ie really he was not interested in being my friend but only thanking me for the postcard because of politeness. I have an old schoolfriend who is now out in the foreign city where he is. I had mentioned to her before she left that I had a friend in that country, and she had asked to be introduced. I had then told her that I was actually quite interested in him myself. I have not mentioned to her that this correspondence has now stopped. She has now emailed me from the foreign city asking me for contacts there (I know of one other person too) "if I think it's appropriate". She is a very old friend whom I do love and care about, but I also know that she has kissed married men and she would not feel inhibited from getting together with this man. Shall I put them in touch with each other? I probably would regret it if something happened between them, but nothing is happening between me and him anyway.

giraffeski Wed 01-Jun-05 09:59:38

Message withdrawn

mytwopenceworth Wed 01-Jun-05 10:15:24

i know it isnt meant to, but your post came across to me like you were weighing up the pros and cons of 'giving him' to her!!!! he is free to meet and be with whomever he chooses - you are assuming that something may happen between them, but what if he already is happily with someone anyway?

do you still want to get together with him? do you think he wants to get together with you? its just that nothing in your post suggests he has ever made romantic advances towards you, sounds like he has been polite and friendly, but steered clear of the personal.

if you do introduce them they may hate each other, become friends, or even start a relationship, you have no say in or control over that. you say that she wouldnt feel inhibited in getting together with this man, but he is single, im assuming she is, he hasnt promised you anything, or indicated any romantic interest in you, so why should she feel inhibited if they did like each other? oh crikey i am not expressing myself well here i sound harsh and mean and thats really not the way i mean it but i dont know how to put what i mean properly, what i am trying to say is she cant save him for you if hes not interested in you in that way, she cant say mustnt kiss X cos Y likes him, that wont make him want to be with you, he's free man, he's not 'yours' iyswim.

its awful when someone doesnt feel the same way about you as you do about them and you must feel really sad about it, but your friend is asking for contacts while she is in an unfamiliar country - dont know, but is she travelling alone? might be nice for her to have someone to call on if there's a problem.

Moomin Wed 01-Jun-05 10:15:55

yes, but if it did happen between him and her it would be difficult for you though, wouldn't it? Unless you feel absolutely abivilent towards this man, I really wouldn't introduce them. Give her the other contact you spoke about.

DickWhittingtonsCat Wed 01-Jun-05 10:41:38

mtpw, yes, that is what this thread is all about! She is a really old, close friend, also a single professional who used to be in London with me, and, yes, we do talk a lot about men, and try and introduce each other to men that we know, with a view to romance. Eg, she and her mother tried to set me up with her brother (who is lovely but lives in America now). So, while, yes of course I can't control what happens between any other people, if I introduce them, she will understand it to mean that I am introducing him to her as an eligible attractive man whom I am no longer interested in. You are also right that he has not made any advances to me, but it is also the case that I have been extremely careful not to make my interest clear to him, beyond the friendly. Men always used to tell me afterwards that they were scared to make the first move ("I thought you were out of my league", etc) but nowadays I find myself too inhibited to make the move myself, and remain single; it is an ongoing dilemma what to do and say for me, nowadays. My old friend is a very assertive person with an MBA and support network through her firm. She is asking me for contacts because she wants to do more networking, not because she is lonely or in trouble. I actually showed my mother the whole correspondence with him, and she thinks that I should keep in touch, because he likes me but feels bad that he has not achieved as much as me professionally. When I said that nothing personal had happened, I meant nothing sexual. We discussed all about our families, friends, his feeling lonely out there, what he was eating and so on. Shall I send him a message? About what?

sobernow Wed 01-Jun-05 10:54:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mytwopenceworth Wed 01-Jun-05 11:06:32

ah, i see. what have you got to lose by telling him you like him? there's only 2 responses and at least you'll know. i know its scary, but you'd feel worse if he never knew. he needs all the information to make any decision. could you send him an email saying you are missing him, and see what response you get? Maybe say you would love to see him when he's back and maybe suggest you have dinner? - if he's not interested you havent put your heart out there, but if he is too shy to approach you you have given him a 'way in'?

btw - may just have to scratch your eyes out - v jealous of anyone so gorgeous as to be out of peoples league, being not even out of wayne (uglybug) rooneys league !!!!!!

DickWhittingtonsCat Thu 02-Jun-05 12:54:25

I realized that I was a bit annoyed with my old friend, because she has not responded at all to a couple of requests from me over the last few months (eg send me titles of some books) which explains my feeling toward her, but I had not told her how I was feeling. So, I emailed my other friend to try and find the other contact for her. Then I emailed my old friend and said I was trying to get hold of one contact for her, and was not sure whether my other friend was in town as he had been travelling around for his work (which is true). I also chased her up about my previous request. She replied saying she was sorry she didn't have my message any more and please resend so she could do it for me. She also said she has been out quite a bit and the expat world is small and she wonders if she'll bump into my friend. I have a spare ticket for an event next week, and was fed up that none of my friends could make it. I emailed an old boyfriend (now a friend but we don't meet often) and he said he wanted to come, but wasn't sure if he was around, and would confirm next Monday. This gave me the confidence then to email this guy abroad, just to say hello, say what I had been doing, and also to say that if he was in London in June and around next week, I had a spare ticket. He emailed back saying it was great to hear from me, he would be in this country but not in London (actually he written UK and I had assumed London) and wasn't sure of his plans, although the event for which I had a spare ticket sounds delightful, and he'll call me when he lands to have a chat and find out my news. So, I don't know what that means, as usual. Between men and women, I think it really is deeds not words that are called for, except nowadays so many of my friendships take place by email and phone that the opportunity to send a physical signal is very rare and then I have no guts any more. Dissecting someone's behaviour like this makes me feel about 15 years old, and not in a good way!

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