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Please help me to help mum (also on feeling depressed)

(9 Posts)
bez Mon 30-May-05 12:33:04

Although I admit its more for my sake and my sons sake that I want to help her, not for her own. She has a long history of mental health problems, physical health problems and a personality disorder.

She keeps on and on about her problems, most of which she brings in heself. I dont live that near her, I have a toddler to look after, I recently beacme a single mum and I don't drive so I can't do much to help her. all I can do is talk to her on the phone, and she just moans that her children wont do anything to help.

Wehn I was living nearby, I used to lend her money, invite her round, cook asnd clean for her, listen to her problems, find her unconscious after her suicide attempts etc. And I never used to mine. In fact, no matter how many of my own problems I had, I was always happy to go out of my way to help everyone else.

Now I am ashamed to say, I have become selfish and only want to help her to stop her moaning all the time. I would love to just break away completely, change my phne number etc. I am crying as I type this as I feel so guilty but I cant help it. Im starting to feel suicidal myself and cant enjoy my loveley son or anything.

She has a lot of physical health problems but is waiting to see a specialist, shes in constant pain but has damaged her liver so much from her overdoses she cant take painkillers. She never sleeps, she cant cook or clean or look aftreher animals, all I get is nobody wants to know me, I want to die.

The trouble is its really hard to help her because its hard to know what she needs as she keeps changingher mind about whats bothering her. One minute its my fault shes depressed as I live too far away, then its because she doesnt sleep, then its because shes physically unwell, then its because shes divorced, then its because her parents are dead, then its because shes got nobody to do her jobs. She has learning difficulties as well so cant even pay bills etc let alone do jobs around her house.

She has now been told she doesnt have a mental health problem so the mental health people cant help her. I strated invitin her over more, she said if she saw more of her family she would be happy but then she started moaning, thetravelling was too much. I suggested she go out and make friends, as loneliness semms to be a major factor but she wont go out on her own as shes too shy. If only I could do something, there doesnt seem to be any sort of sgency that has volunteers who could help shop, keep her compnay or if there was someone to accompnay her to some kind of group where she could meet people, if someone went wit her the first coup eof times maybe then she would be okay to go by herself.

Sorry this is so long, but I really need her to get help before I become suicidal myself. I know Im being selfish but I just cant cope with my mum anymore.

Toothache Mon 30-May-05 12:35:51

Oh Bez I don't blame you for wanted to hide from it all. You have been a wonderful support to her in the past, but it just isn't fair for her to expect you to take the burden.

Where are your siblings in all of this? It's hard enough for you to be alone with a young child!
Please please don't consider suicide, you can see the hurt your Mums attempts have had on you.... don't let that happen to your beautiful little boy too.

bez Mon 30-May-05 12:38:00

Thanks toothache, Ive no intention of commititing suicide, I just soemtimes think its the only way to not have to put up with her anymore. I wont do it dont worry

Toothache Mon 30-May-05 12:40:43

I know how you feel about that. Sometimes it does seem like a the only way to stop the hurting.

I honestly have no idea what to say that could possibly help you. Your Mum is clearly very depressed and as you know has lots of problems. Could you organise once a week where you meet up somewhere and have lunch?

Does she like seeing your ds? Does he cheer her up? Does anything cheer her up?

bez Mon 30-May-05 12:44:19

My brothers and sisters wont have anything to do with her so she never gets to see their children. One thing that bothers her is not seeing her grandhcildren so I started paying for her train fare so she could see my son once a week, but then she just ignores him even when he tries to cuddle her. She just sits there crying, saying everyobne hates her. I used to reassure her they didnt hate her, but TBH I think shes right now. Nobody can cope with her. Shes been struck off the doctors list 3 times

Toothache Mon 30-May-05 12:47:39

Bez - You're Mum sounds incredibly selfish and such a drama queen. Its sounds like nothing you coudl do would please her. The fact she maons about not seeing her grandchildren, but then just sits and cries when she does see your!

It's a lot easier to say than do, but perhaps distancing yourself like your siblings have done is the way to go.

GRMUM Mon 30-May-05 12:59:42

It sounds terrible and i'm not sure I can offer any real help. I just wanted to say though that it sounds as if you have really gone out of your way to be supportive. You are not to blame though for her unhappiness and its not up to you to make her feel better. Only she can do that....

bez Mon 30-May-05 16:15:31

I just wish she had some friends or someone to help her occasionally. Does anyone know of any organisation in the Midlands area that has volunteers who can do stuff like shopping, accompanying her to some sort of community centre etc, or just simply befriending?

bez Tue 31-May-05 18:25:23

She's just torn strips off me again for not helping enough. I reallycan't go on like this

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