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feeling desperate and awful

(7 Posts)
Linzoid Mon 12-May-03 08:16:03

I have been having problems with my relationship with dp for ages, it has gradually got worse over the years. Last night we had another major row. i am finding it very hard to cope with my kids feeling this way and as a last resort i wanted to suggest we go to relate. My question is, does anyone know how much it will cost me and is it likely to help or could it make things worse (if thats possible)

Mum2Toby Mon 12-May-03 08:32:54

Hi Linzoid - I'm sure you'll be overwhelmed with great advice from all these wise mumsnetters. Although I don't know anything about RELATE I do know what it's like to be in a hellish relationship. DP and I hit rockbottom a few months ago. It was terrible: screaming, shouting, throwing things at each other, saying we hated each other and finally that we didn't love each other and it was time to call it a day. We talked through the practicalities of it all (the 1st time we'd TALKED to each other for months!). The more we talked, the more we realsied that it wasn't what we wanted. We decided to give it another try (how many times have we said this in the past!!?!?). THere has been a lot of compromising and an awful lot of tension, but we have been getting on well. I think we've just reached the point in our relationship where we know we want to be together now all we have to do is make a HUGE effort to be together.... warts and all! We've even set a date to get married this year!

I know your situation is probably vastly different, but I just wanted to say that all is not lost. We have reached this point without RELATE, but we seriously considered it and will in the future if the need arises. If RELATE or any other kind of counselling can help get you there too then go for it! The benefits are wonderful...... we finally have a laugh toghether and enjoy each others company (in small doses ). If you realise you need to end the relationship then at least the misery of the arguments will stop. Either way, it's a step forward to being happy again.

Good luck and I hope it works out ok.

quackers Mon 12-May-03 09:15:26

Wise words M2T. Either way it will lead to being happy again. I too experienced the absolute pit of the relationship about 5 years ago and the one thing we hadn't done in ages was talk. Some people are able to find this again without outside help/middle person others need a little push in the right direction. I think if he is willing to put things right too then you have a very good chance of carrying on together. If he's not then some space apart for a little time may bring you to that point naturally. If you have kids I appreciate this is more difficult. Have you tried packing off the kids for the evening and sitting down and chatting about the things you would both like to change? Sounds obvious but it's a first step and might bring some confidence back between you.

mumwith2 Mon 12-May-03 09:50:10

Hi, I found myself at RELATE about 11 years ago with an ex, so could be totally different now. Back then the session cost was based on our income, ie. the more you earned the more you paid. The lady gave us a chart listing incomes and asked us to point to ours, then she told us what our session would cost. I can't totally remember but a figure of about £40 springs to mind. Hope that may help you.

Linzoid Mon 12-May-03 10:34:32

1 session at £40! Well that rules that out then as i'm sure we would need quite a few sessions. Still not had a payment of child tax credit yet either!
I think i am going crazy and i feel so guilty that my poor kids are living in this terrible atmosphere. We get back on decent terms it lasts a week and it's back to the tension again, it breaks my heart but i'm so scared to go it alone and can't do it to my 2 ds either.
I think i am a very anxious person(a born worrier) to the point where once took prozac so that doesn't help. Please someone wave a magic wand for me.

sis Mon 12-May-03 12:10:10

Linzoid, Relate do not have set fees - they ask you to give what you can and provide a scale of what they think would be appropriate for different income levels. They do not check your payslip or anything like that so you tell them how much you can afford to contribute.

Don't not try Relate just on the cost basis! I think they have a set fee for the first session but I have no idea what that is (other than, I'm almost sure it was less than £40)

Nerthus Mon 12-May-03 12:57:48

Dear Linzoid

Sis is right - Relate's fees are very flexible. I was there just over three years ago (by myself, as vile ex-husband refused to come with me) but it cost me about £15 I think, as I was on a very low income. I know couples do cost more, but again, it's very much dependent on your income.

I am so sorry to hear you and your partner are having problems - but I know four sets of friends who have done couple counselling, of which one couple have split and the other three are still together. I gather that there really is a very good chance of it helping, a lot, IF both partners are willing to go and genuinely want to make the effort, AND/OR if one partner hasn't already made their mind up they definitely want to leave and refuses to reconsider no matter what, which was the case with the couple who did split after the counselling. I have also heard, reliably or not I don't know, that rows, however fierce, are easier to work with than silence and sulks. One of the other friends was convinced her relationship of 20 years was irreversibly smashed - man having affair for months and lying through his teeth etc - until she was so hurt and angry she could scarcely be in the same room with him without screaming, but over the last year or so they've gradually got it sorted, and are on better terms of understanding each other than they ever were.

At very least, it does give you reliable support even if the worst happens. My worst felt pretty awful at the time (after saying he really wanted to have children with me my husband of 8 years started seeing another woman a week after I had a miscarriage and ran off with the strumpet five months later...) and it was so important just to know I had that hour of completely calm and neutral support just for me every week.

I do hope things improve for you. All the very very best.

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