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should a 49 year old man live with his 79 year old mother

(58 Posts)
alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 01:44:24

He has never lived on his own and doesnt want to.
He does everything for his mum as she is virtually housebound.Is this weird or wat.

FAQtothefuture Fri 31-Jul-09 01:47:44

no not weird - my dad's best friend did exactly that - sadly he died of a heart attack leaving his infirm mother with an absolute fortune in inheritance smile

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 01:51:33

Why would he rather live with her when he has to do everything for her( Well he doesnt, she just lets him ) rather than with myself and my 2 boys as he has been seeing me for over 13 years now.
I dont think im fat or ugly or have two heads and i am a pretty reasonable cook i think.

EyeballsintheSky Fri 31-Jul-09 01:57:50

Because she's his mother, that's probably why. And it sounds as if she would have great trouble coping without him so, without knowing the set up, I daresay he feels responsible for her. Or do really think she could cope on her own? Your op sounds as if she couldn't.

EyeballsintheSky Fri 31-Jul-09 01:58:59

And why would being fat or not make any difference?

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 02:03:26

she is housebound out of choice, doesnt want to do anything or go anywhere.would rather be waited on..not that im jealous...im not in the slightest.each to their own but wouldnt u tink there was at time to cut the apron strings.Dont particularly want him to move in with me but i think it might be healthier for him and then he wouldnt appear to b so old in the wat he thinks.
His home is a tip... itlooks like the house that was on the telly where everything is hoarded by that old man. its like an old folks home not a 49 year old guys pad

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 02:05:07

i looked after my mum for 8 months 24/7 in my own home after she had a stroke, and she was totally dependant. His mum can walk,iron,cook etc...she just cant be bothered.............

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 02:09:13

His inability to make a decision on where he lives makes me question myself,as to wether i am attractive to him or not and I feel slightly unfeminine i suppose. He is making me feel a little negative about myself as i feel i have alot to offer.Also cos he is so skinny ie 10 st 6lbs and he is 6 ft 1inch, a big lady would squash him. he has a concave chest he is so thin and he even admits it...honestly seeing is believing

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 31-Jul-09 08:21:21

I expect he lives with his mother as you have a bad attitude.

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:05:32

gee thanks....i doefinitly do not have a bad attitude..loked after very old person and changed my life to care for her til she died...how dare you...think you need to look at you own outspokeness

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 31-Jul-09 11:07:05

lol

rubyslippers Fri 31-Jul-09 11:08:04

after 13 years i would be wonderign why he hadn;t moved the realtionship up a gear - maybe he doesn't want to and this is he perfect excuse

maybe he is really happy with the way things are

i don't think there is anything "bad" about a son caring for his mum

hippipotamiHasLost53lbs Fri 31-Jul-09 11:08:35

hmm

FAQtothefuture Fri 31-Jul-09 11:09:32

so his mum is 79 and virtually housebound (let later you claim she's just lazy) hmm - but ou know what it's like to look after an elderl parent <<<<<<<<confused>>>>>>>>

bran Fri 31-Jul-09 11:11:36

I suspect what you want here is sympathy because you want something that he doesn't want, unreasonably in your mind. A better question than "why does he choose to live his life the way he does?" is why have you chosen to resent him for 13 years for not being the man you want him to be instead of moving on and finding a different man?

If he hasn't changed in all that time, then he's not going to. It's your choice what you do now.

Katisha Fri 31-Jul-09 11:11:54

I think after 13 years it's not going to happen now. And suddenly leaving a 79 yr on her own to make a point is probably not very fair - yes he should have done it years ago but he didn't.

Can you make other changes? For instance get him to sort the house out? Getting rid of clutter would probably get rid of some of the clutter in his head as well and freshen things up in all sorts of ways - literally and mentally? Get him to start taking some control over the way he lives even if he doesn't actually move out?

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:13:18

i merely make observations...my own mother didi eveything for herself before she had a stroke...his mother has been capable of doin things for herself for the last 13 years we have have been seeing each other....she just cant be bothered and her house is so dirt and untidy...and i mean untidy....magazines piled feet deep on every surface..at least 20 pairs of shoes in lounge..half an inch of filth on the window ledges.carpet.minging...every room in the house has about one square yard to stand up in...and it smels....

i have a ad attitude...when an old person has no excuse for squalor why live i it....my mothers house was immaculate for an 80 year old and she did thigs forheself rather than sitting watching tv all day adn actually sleeeping on the couch instead of goin upstairs.

he actually thinks the world of me and my two boys which is why we have been together for 13 years...hes just a mummies boy and hates change...so...siuya

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:15:02

housebound out of her own choice...cant be bothered goin out...no interest in life.....no joie de vivre doesnt want to go out..did you not read...

Katisha Fri 31-Jul-09 11:16:30

How would it go down if you announced a blitz on the place and a Big Clean Up? And that you intended to ask him to release stuff to the tip, charity shops and so on?
I bet things would change for the better if you could get them to agree to that?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 31-Jul-09 11:18:22

How about show willing and a bit of kindness and offer to help them clean up?

Katisha Fri 31-Jul-09 11:21:12

It would be a horrendous job but I am convinced it would be worth it.
(Nag nag nag)

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:21:12

the elderley parent i looked after and completely changed everything for was my own mum in my own house, i invited her to live with me as the authorities wanted to put her in a home and homes are so bad. i altered my house to look after as she had a stroke and lost her memory ,but boyfriend still came round every evening to have his meals cooked for him and then retired to his mums home.
All his meals at his own hiome are microwave ding... at least he gets proper food with me. funnily enuf he is wuite happy to spend every weekend up at my caravan without running home to mummy , but that suits him cos he can sit fishing about 100 feet from our caravan....maybe i am the mug to cook for him whist he sits fishing like a garden gnome.... mayber its time to find someone with a pulse

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:24:54

bran
not after sympathy

just threw this thread in to see if any one else was in the same situation.
Not bothered that he doesnt live with me...in fact at times its the perfect scenario...i have my bed to myself durin the week...he does his own washing ...and he is also handy around the...
he never wants to go out...doesnt drink...doesnt organise goin out for a meal...in fact waits to be organised....maybe u are right..yime to move on to someone who wants to do things

EyeballsintheSky Fri 31-Jul-09 11:28:55

Look at that list you just wrote, housebound through own choice etc. Doesn't sound like someone who is well to me, even if physically she is fine. My grandmother was agoraphobic and didn't leave the house for 30 years. She wouldn't have it that that there was a problem.

Besides I think if you've been together for 13 years and it hasn't moved on then you're flogging a dead horse. If you don't want to help her then you have to decide whether to settle for what you have or cut and run. It doesn't sound like he is going to change and tbh it doesn't sound like you like him very much either. You haven't said anything positive about him yet.

And my dh is the same size as your dp and I haven't squashed him yet...

alypaly Fri 31-Jul-09 11:32:09

Katisha
thanks for your constructive input..
I have offered on many occasions to help clear out and clean everything but he wants to leave all the clutter just mounting up.
In the near future the council are redoing the kitchen and the bathyroom and one bedroom and they have actually said that if the mess is not cleared up they will not be able to rewire and repipe,and refloor.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO?

She is not my mum. I even send her cooked meals when i make shepherds pies and stews so unkind comments from FabBakerGirlIsBackws are uncalled for and unkind.Some people are too quick to jump to conclusions....
nothing wrong with looking after older people in fact i whole heartedly embrace it but she only lives 2 miles away.Also i have applied to care for old people n our local care homes as i think heir care is appauling so ......

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