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Does anyone else feel like you are living in the wrong place?

(26 Posts)
shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 09:58:58

We moved from a busy city to a very rural area about 4 yrs ago. I wanted to bring my kids up somewhere rural and villagey and they love it here. The area that we live in is beautiful and our house is fantastic (crippling us financially but not to worry) and there is a lot to do in the area if you are outdoorsy. My DH loves it. However...

This place is smothering me. The Mum in me loves living here as it's so good for my family but I (me the person) hates it. It's cliquey, small minded and lacking in anything that interests me. My DH still commutes and that means that for 12 hrs of the day it's just me and the kids. I feel like a single parent during the week, and I don't drive yet (have been learning for over a year but still not ready to sit my test- that's another thread though).

Career wise I have limited my options ridiculously (I'm a secondary teacher) and I miss the buzz of the city and the oppertunities that it gave me to pursue my interests. Added to this I miss my friends and feel very isolated as, whilst I have met lots of nice people, I've not met anyone in 4 yrs that really makes me laugh or is remotely <<whispers>> my kind of person.

I love living in this house and I love the oppertunities that being in this village gives my kids but... I hate it here.

The good does out-weight the bad (and we couldn't move even if I was desperate to) but I know that I'm in the wrong place for me.

Anyone else feel like this and if so how do you cope with it?

I should really change my name to 'poor me'!!! grin

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 10:21:50

Just me then???

frimblypoo Thu 30-Jul-09 10:35:27

poor you. I lived in the 'wrong place' for 8 years so know exactly what you mean, also compacted by fact I had left job in crazy London to become full time mum. Didn't know anyone, went slightly batty.

ways to meet people, there must be something. What do you teach? Could you find some kind of group related to that or branch out into something that involves it. Thinking freelancing of some kind, get you networking. Failing that have you tried a mumsnet meet up?
Or if you were feeling really brave put a card in the post office saying something to the effect of 'mum from the city going slightly bananas, wishes to meet similar to talk about how there isn't a 24 hour bagel bakery and decent coffee in the country' (that's what I'd putwink
sigh, sorry, possibly not much help but I can sympathise

cthea Thu 30-Jul-09 10:40:22

Do you see yourself moving back at some stage?

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 10:41:12

Thanks frimbly. It's a tourist area here and things always seem worse in the summer as it's really busy and people are a bit of a pain in the arse as they dither about with their ice-creams.

Did you move back to the city then?

I teach English and there is very little work locally. I do tutor and that's good for my head but I miss the entertainment offered to me in the city. It's hard. sad

BonsoirAnna Thu 30-Jul-09 10:42:09

What's your subject? Are there no secondary schools at all nearby (and, if not, where are your DCs going to go to school?!).

BonsoirAnna Thu 30-Jul-09 10:42:42


Could you not tutor English?

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 10:43:12

I think that when the kids are older moving back is maybe an option but at the moment we will stay put (DD due to start at the lovely Primary School around the corner so it will be a LONG time before that is an option). Eventually a move back to the city woukd be good.

NotanOtter Thu 30-Jul-09 10:47:35

in the words of paul mcartney and michael jackson 'people are the same wherever you go'

somewhere in the depths of your little village/town there will be people like you - who can make you laugh- who like the same things - there WILL

You need to find them ! There my advice ends! No i jest you do a school pick up - try to mix err just chat to folk you think 'look' interesting

shop different places - they are waiting for you to find them

fwiw i moved back to my home town 10 years ago and it took me 5 to feel at home - very cliquey middle class snooty - i guess i stopped caring .......

i hope you get some better advice soon!

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 10:53:13

I know that this place will feel better if I were to have more of a network. Maybe I will meet some nice Mums doing the school run as playgroup hasn't really offered anyone that I want hang about with. I did meet a girl that was great fun about 2 yrs ago but she mmoved. Last year there was a really nice girl over from Oz but she was only here for a year and has gone home again.

I know that driving will help as will going back to work eventually (when there is some work to go back to). It's just a bit lonely and DD going to school will magnify it.

savoycabbage Thu 30-Jul-09 10:53:42

I am in the wrong place. My dh took a job in Melbourne without telling me! And here we are.

He loves it here. My dc's are quite settled considering and our lives are probably better here. Parks, lovely schools, beaches etc. But I am not happy here. I can't really work because we have no 'back up' grandparents or good friends who could step in and help with the dc if we needed them to. I can't even ring my friends if I am having a bad day as they are all asleep. I have met lots of new people, but they don't know who Bagpuss is and when things happen, like when Jade Goody died blush there is nobody to talk to about it.

I feel like I stick out. People are always asking me where I am from and why I am here. I can't wear any nice shoes without people asking if I'm going out. I can't even buy an avacado without having to explain myself.

You have to force yourself to meet people until you find some you click with. It's a bit like dating I think. When you move somewhere you can sort of use it as a reason to talk to people. You don't know where the pool is so ask someone and get chatting.

I know I am in the wrong place and that it may be 'better' here in a lot of ways but I don't feel at home here.

BonsoirAnna Thu 30-Jul-09 10:57:54

"in the words of paul mcartney and michael jackson 'people are the same wherever you go"

This is just not true! Cultural differences are very real.

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 10:58:57

Savoy that's it exactly. I just don't fit in here and feel a bit of an oddity. I do feel like my family benefits from being here but I don't get much out of it. I feel a bit of an oddity as I am very over the top and outgoing and love a night out/ party and I sure am in the wrong place for that!!!

NotanOtter Thu 30-Jul-09 11:02:00

Anna smile within reason

GrapefruitMoon Thu 30-Jul-09 11:04:56

I see that your eldest hasn't started school yet - ime that makes a huge difference. I knew hardly anyone where I live until my eldest started school - worked fulltime till then in another town. I feel much more settled here and have more friends now - mostly because of the school. At the same time don't expect to like everyone you meet - there are probably only a couple of parents in each child's class that I am really in tune with.

bathtime Thu 30-Jul-09 11:05:10

what part of the country are you in? are there any cities or large towns nearby?

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 11:07:18

We're about 40 miles north of Glasgow- arse-crack-of-nowhere!!!

nickytwotimes Thu 30-Jul-09 11:16:19

Hey, shoot.
Sorry you are feeling so crap.
I live 50 miles from Glasgow (south) and do know what you mean.
However, there will be some kindred spirits where you live now. It can take more than 4 years to find them though. I am now thouroughly embedded in my local community. I love it here and have found friends on my wavelength, though it can take years. Also, 40 miles (or in my case 50) is nothing. Head down to Glasgow when you need a bit of cultural stimulation. We go all the time. We only ever go to the cinema there as the local cinema shows crap blockbusters, the museums are fab for our ds too.
Are you struggling financially? Makes it harder to get out and about and feel like part of the modern world. Might be worth downsizing if that is a possiblility? We are doing that right now as we would rather have a life than the bigger house! grin

EachPeachPearMum Thu 30-Jul-09 11:33:32

<snort>@arse-crack-of-nowhere! grin

I am in a quandry too... we live inner city, which is fine in many ways- DH and I are both city people- but I worry about the environment the children are growing up in- the pollution is bad, the traffic- our road is so dangerous, I could never let DD out of the front door, I dread to think how old she'll need to be to cross by herself, some days I find it difficult.

However there are so many opportunities- they could learn any instrument imaginable, play any sport, attend any class they feel like, things that aren't available in rural areas where there aren't enough people to have call for them.
We have a 'choice' of a huge number of crappy schools meaning there is one out there that is just right for them as individuals. Shops are 2 minutes away, a cinema is close by, swimming pools, sports centre, parks galore etc.

But I miss the sea sad and we are about as far from the sea as you can get in Britain...

I think you do have to go with what you are happy with though- unhappy parents make unhappy children.

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 15:22:21

Eachpeach, I was the sam ewhen we lived in Glasgow- I loved having so much to entertain me on my doorstep. But when we had kids the 'edgy' urban area that we lived in lost its appeal.

I do go out in town occasionally (it's so expensive) but we very rarely venture in to Glasgow at the weekend as DH works there all week and wants to take advantage of being in the countryside at the weekend. Unfortunately I am sick of the bloody place having been stuck here all week and want to get away. It's a problem. We need more balance I suppose.

frimblypoo Thu 30-Jul-09 15:40:13

shoot - you teach English and you live in a touristy area, how about copywriting for local businesses/attractions, or some kind of local mag. Write an snazzy blog style article for the local paper about your predicament.. praps fishing for something regular....

Fennel Thu 30-Jul-09 16:04:12

I lived in Manchester for 14 years and always felt it was the wrong place for me, though it had many good points, and that's why we stayed for so long, but it did never feel like the place I should be. we moved 3 years ago to a little village right by a small city, and I feel so much happier with where we are now. I wouldn't have moved for the children though, I think the children were absolutely fine growing up in a big city, it was just me who wanted to be elsewhere.

I don't think it's good for children to be in a place where their mother is unhappy. You should be in a place you feel happy in, children will be fine in city or country or in between.

VinegarTits Thu 30-Jul-09 16:10:21

Yes - i know for a fact i would be more suited to living in a fabulous mansion/country estate, than this 2 up 2 down council house

I am definatly lving in the wrong place

shootfromthehip Thu 30-Jul-09 16:15:51

It's such a dicotomy- as I say, the mother in me is happy with where we live and I know DH loves it. I don't know if I could be happy knowing that I want to move everyone because of me.

I think the lack of company is the real problem- I'm used to having mates on tap and since moving here, whilst never short of a playdate or someone to have a coffee with, it's all really superficial and I just don't have a really good mate. That coupled with the boredom of only being able to get out of here the odd weekend and I feel like I'm climbing the walls.

EachPeachPearMum Thu 30-Jul-09 16:51:03

VT... now you've hit the nail on the head! grin we need more space, but it is really at a premium here...

shoot... I am inner city and I still have no friends tbh... I find people very superficial too, and they're always so busy.

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