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Abuse or curiosity - how to handle

(9 Posts)
thisisnotmyrealMNname Fri 10-Jul-09 15:09:06

Really difficult one - have been workign myself up to post as I don't even like to think about it.

DD is 6yo, her male cousin is 12. They see each other regularly and often play together in the playroom. The other day, DD cam out rubbing herself - DH asked why, and she said that she was sore where X had put his hand. DH asked her what happened, apparently X "put his hand in her knickers and pushed her", and she said he had done it before.

We told X's parents who are horrified, he is grounded until further notice, all computer privileges withdrawn. We have not asked DD any more - I am half hoping that she will forget this ever happened. Our fear is by asking questions, it will reinforce the memory. We have told her he shouldn't have done it, that he has been told off, and that the subject is finished and she doesn't need to tell anyone other than us. We have reminded her that her body is private and no one should be touching her.

Our plan is not to cut off all contact as that would make the incident more significant, but to avoid any situation where they would be alone. In future, they will not be allowed in the playroom, and SIL will tell X to just say that he doesn't want to play, he's too old.

I am so angry that I want to smack him from here to next week, but obviously I know I can't/that's not right.

Just posting for any words/advice/personal experience/knowledgeable counsellors etc. Is it realistic that she will "forget"? Or am I sitting on a time bomb where when she has "the talk" in school she will suddenly say something and we have a social worker on the doorstep?

I feel so shit for having not thought that anything like that could happen. Is it just normal curiosity? I have no experience of boys growing up (only child of single mum, went to all-girl school, have only daughters)

If I am slow to respond it is because I am new to namechanging (the one time I did before I accidentally posted in my real name, not as significant then as it was a fun name change) and also DH uses the office as well and I think he'd be mortified I'd put this in writing.

Thank you MNers.

Housemum Fri 10-Jul-09 15:55:46

Message withdrawn

jellyjelly Fri 10-Jul-09 16:52:43

I can say she wont forget, it will come up at some point. You ahve to dela with it for her sake.

traceybath Fri 10-Jul-09 16:57:16

I think in your situation i'd be tempted to call the nspcc and ask for their advice on what to do if you don't want to speak to GP or HV.

At least then you'd get some confidential advice about the best way to go forward.

HeliumBee Fri 10-Jul-09 17:23:57

hmmm - I'm inclined to think you did the right thing. I think you should make a judgment on how it is currently affecting your daughter. The repercussions of making a bit of inappropriate play escalate into a huge investigation would be huge.
I think it isnt unrealistic to hope she'll forget.
No direct experience to offer - but trying to imagine myself in your place.
It's a difficult one.
Good luck.

Housemum Fri 10-Jul-09 18:19:12

thisisnot - apologies for withdrawing a message, it was nothing to do with the content, I just posted on the wrong thread (I had a few open that I was reading). Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope you decide what's for the best.

thisisnotmyrealMNname Fri 10-Jul-09 22:32:15

thanks for the advice. still dwelling on it. any more thoughts? jelly - what makes you so sure she won't forget, if we stop any chance of it happening and don't refer to it again?

dittany Fri 10-Jul-09 22:36:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster Fri 10-Jul-09 22:40:17

I would definitely talk to the NSPCC. He's done it before and she needs to have some support to understand what's happened and that it isn't her fault. And they need to advise your brother (?) and his wife on how to her their son. Grounding is not really enough - he needs to explore why he did this and develop strategies to avoid doing it again.

It's not normal curiosity for a 12 YO boy to sexually assault (which it sounds like he did) a 6 YO. That's not peer to peer exploration I'm afraid.

Sorry for your DD because it's horrible but she'll be fine in the long run I'm sure (although she probably will remember it). I have had things like this happen to me and so have a few of my friends and we've moved on. The critical thing is that it's stopped now and that you are supportive of her. Good on her for telling you - that's a really good step.

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