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Feeling a tad confused about my odd family

(23 Posts)
ks Wed 18-May-05 08:55:49

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Tinker Wed 18-May-05 09:14:41

Sorry to hear about your dad ks.

Have nevr experienced a similar situation with regard to yor sister but am not sure exactly of the dilemma - are you just puzzled at your sister's comments or wondering what you should do?

assumedname Wed 18-May-05 09:17:54

Perhaps she didn't want you to feel pressured to go?

My mum was like this when my father was dying - as he didn't even recognise her, she saw no point in my going to see him at the hospice.

ks Wed 18-May-05 09:18:25

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Tinker Wed 18-May-05 09:19:40

Well, I would think it odd as well but, is your relationship with either your father or sister strained?

ks Wed 18-May-05 09:19:47

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Lonelymum Wed 18-May-05 09:20:19

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't hesitate. I would go and see my father immediately. I don't see what your sister has to do with it.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this, but don't let anyone stand in the way of you seeing your father for what might be the last time.

ks Wed 18-May-05 09:20:51

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Tinker Wed 18-May-05 09:21:17

Maybe she is just so upset she's speaking without thinking?

Frizbe Wed 18-May-05 09:21:34

I think she could be a bit in denial herself, my mum was a bit like that, when I rang her to tell her the hospital had called me re her mum having hours to go and that she should go, she replied 'no its alright, thanks for calling tho', (hosp had called me, as parents had been away when gran taken in) as it was we passed her car on the way to the hospital and then met her there, she just didn't want to face the fact her mum wasn't going to be around (my dad had dragged her out of the house).

Tinker Wed 18-May-05 09:22:34

Hmm, maybe she feels closer to your dad? Jealous? Threatened? Wants to be the Special One at the end? Just speculating now, could be completely off beam

ks Wed 18-May-05 09:23:56

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WigWamBam Wed 18-May-05 09:24:29

My parents were the same when my grandmother was dying. She didn't recognise anyone and was largely asleep, so my mother thought that there was no point in anyone else going to see her. She also thought that we shouldn't go because she didn't want us to see her like that, she wanted us to preserve our memories of my grandma as she was. I did go, though, because at that point it wasn't about whether my grandma knew who I was or was even awake; it was about me seeing her one last time and showing my lovw and respect for her by being there.

Perhaps this is what your sister is missing - she may think there's no practical point in your visiting, but she's missing the fact that your feelings count, too.

flum Wed 18-May-05 09:24:29

All families are wierd. If you feel its right to go, then go. But don't feel you must at the end of a long illness people do mostly sleep, he may not even be aware you came.

However in the long run it will probably help YOU to go.

Tinker Wed 18-May-05 09:26:05

I certainly agree that you should go if you want to - think you'll do that anyway.

suzywong Wed 18-May-05 09:28:11

oh ks I do remember when you posted about your father's illness and your sister's attitude
sorry it hasn't got any easier

Was it alzheimers?

elliott Wed 18-May-05 09:28:45

I think families are ofetn odd, especially sibling relationships, and these can surface particularly at times of stress. The death of a parent is a time when old rivalries and emotions can come bubbling up in very odd ways.
I don't know if you think this is peculiar, but for example when my mum was recently in hospital for an emergency cancer op, I hardly spoke to my brothers about it and we certainly didn't discuss who should visit when and how often. we just got on with doing our own thing. I expect it will be much the same when either of my parents become terminally ill. God knows how we're going to manage to communicate about sorting everything out!

ks Wed 18-May-05 09:30:27

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elliott Wed 18-May-05 09:32:16

sorry that was a particularly badly constructed sentence. I suppose I'm trying to say, you are both going through the difficult process of losing a parent, and you shouldn't try to over-interpret anything your sister says just now, just concentrate on what you want to do about your dad. It will be a difficult time and you can expect all your usual family complexities to loom large while you are all in a heightened emotional state.

suzywong Wed 18-May-05 09:38:13

my FIL died of alzheimers and he had a distinct moment of lucidity with all the family around him, DH flown back from London, and died the next day. So although I know you aren't asking if it's worth you going, that may be something to think about

and yes all famiies are weird at some point

assumedname Wed 18-May-05 09:46:43

ks - tbh, I was ok with it. I'd spent the whole of the previous weekend with him when he was aware of me and we'd talked, although he was in a lot of pain at this stage.

I'd spent a weekend with him when he was first diagnosed and we'd talked then too. He'd admitted to me that he wasn't proud of the way he'd been with me sometimes.

But I'm not a touchy feely sort of person and a bit squeamish, so I didn't feel the need to rush to the hospice. Maybe that's the attitude that my mum was reflecting back to me.

Do you think your sister's got a particular (possibly wrong) view of you that would explain her attitude?

Prufrock Wed 18-May-05 22:00:20

ks. I am sorry to hear about your Dad. If you do want to talk about it you have my e-mail

With regards to your Sister, I think from your previous posts she might feel a sense of ownership of your family, a sense that she's coped without you so far, so she'll cope without you now. I also think there's an implied criticism in there - she will think less of you if you don't go, and yet wants you not to, because then she will be the better person.

My mother did react similarly to her sister when my Grandma was dying last year. She felt my Aunt was not pulling her weight, but also wanted, and needed, to control the situation herself.

I hope you make a decision you are comfortable with, and think you should ensure that you are doing what is best for you, and yoru father, not what your dh or sister want or expect.

jampots Wed 18-May-05 22:09:27

ks - sorry your dad is so poorly.

I think there may be an element of "the one who was with him at the end" glory attached to this.

Definitely just go with how you feel about it and please dont be put off by your sister's comments. When our mum was in hospital my sister virtually lived there and really didnt want to let my uncle (our mum's brother) know she was there which I thought was terrible. My sis and uncle have always had a strained relationship and they ended up having a screaming slanging match in the ITU waiting room

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