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When one partner wants another child and the other doesn't

(14 Posts)
SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 09:39:28

We have two beautiful dds and dh is adamant that he doesn't want anymore children. Unfortunately, I can't say I feel the same. I have found it hard at times bringing dds up but I just can't rule out the fact of not having anymore children. What can you do in this situation? We did always say that we would only have two children but I can picture having another one now.

SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 11:03:04

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misty Sun 08-May-05 11:11:57

Sparkler we are in the same position - have 2 gorgeous ds's and I would love another one but dp is dead set against it. What to do?

ATM I have the contraceptive implant which is due to be taken out in the next month or so, after which I feel I have 'done my bit' on that side of things so will leave it up to him. Not my problem, and if anything happens, well that's his call isnt it? .

cazzybabs Sun 08-May-05 11:14:55

I have this conversation with dp. I don't know wether I would regret this so much in years to come that it would cause us to split up later. So do I decide I want different things out of life (I always wanted a house in the country, chickens and a dag - he is quite happy with house in the town) and leave him. but I do really love him and I am sure that it would be sods law he would meet someone else and have children with them and I owuld be left single parerent and no more children. I just hope he will come round to the idea of more children (we have 2 and I want 4, although I would have a 100 if I could ). My g.p. advised me to have "an accident".

I don't know what the answer is - hope like me your dh will come round!

SenoraPostrophe Sun 08-May-05 11:15:21

no advice, but snap.

think I will probably not have another one though, unless work goes really well and I can take more time off/work less next time anyway. I am exhausted.

SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 16:42:10

I showed him this thread earlier and he just read it and walked away. He has snapped my head off once before and told me stop keeping on he didn't want anymore and that was that.

Davros Sun 08-May-05 18:57:18

I think you should respect their feelings, although it must be very hard. It also depends how old you are I suppose, whether you might get a "second wind"! If you've got 2 who are healthy and fine and there is an issue over having more then maybe its for the best. I'd quite like another but I know its a fantasy in our situation really.

Dior Sun 08-May-05 19:38:35

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SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 21:41:14

I am only 33 so quite young I guess. A few more years to work on him. We are trying to move away to America and I know he is a sucker for wanting to try new things. Maybe I can talk him into having an American born child.

SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 21:57:20

Dior I know you are right - having another baby while I am not feeling good in myself isn't a good idea. Not sure if I would want it to happen immediately anyway. Just to have a more positive answer from dh would be nice. This subject isn't a cause of my depression just something that I have been thinking about short term.

jamiesam Sun 08-May-05 22:20:17

Hi Sparkler. I was in this position as shortly before birth of ds2, dh and I discovered that I definitely wanted one more and he definitely didn't.

For reasons that made sense at the time, we agreed not to talk about it until ds2 was one. And for a year, I guess that I thought dh would give in and he thought I would. So shortly after ds2's first birthday, we went out for the day for a long walk (just the two of us) to talk about it. It wasn't pleasant, we didn't argue but there was absolutely no way we could agree.

I started to sleep badly as I realised there might not be any more babies, and cried a lot though always tried to hide this from dh. Eventually, we started to discuss how unhappy our decision, or lack of decision, had made me. And he gave in. Unbelievably and quite unexpectedly. He said I was more unhappy than he would be if we did have another. And we talked it through, and he agreed that he would be happy if we had another baby, because it would make me happy.

I think he means it and we are so much happier although a small part of me feels that I have 'got my own way' like a spoilt child. I wonder if I sulked my way to winning? However it does occur to me now that I couldn't help but be depressed - I wasn't putting it on. It wasn't an issue that I would have broken up with dh over, and yet in some ways my behaviour was risking that.

(Sorry if this sounds ungrateful, but since we made the decision last Nov, I have discovered possible fertility problems that might make all of this academic anyway. I'm 37 - so don't hang around too long!!!)

Sorry if this a hopeless ramble, don't know if it will help or not...

SPARKLER1 Sun 08-May-05 22:31:23

It's not ramble. Thanks for sharing that. I know - I don't want dh and I to fall out over it and I know we won't as we are a strong couple and love each other too much to let things come between us too much.
If it turns out we don't have another I will feel a bit empty but will respect his decision.

Aero Sun 08-May-05 22:43:45

We were in a similar position too, but dh could see that I'd be unhappy if we never had another and eventually we agreed like JS. I would be more unhapy without than he would with, and so we now have three and I'm happy with that and have no desire now to have more.
I can see where he was coming from though, totally, and as he was then bringing in the lion's share of the money, and now all of it, there is quite a lot of pressure on him and he just wants to be able to provide for us all, but it's by no means easy and only becomes more expensive as they grow. Not only that, but emotionally, he finds it hard to devide himself and his time so everyone can have some IYSWIM.
Anyway, am also rambling...........
I do hope you can work this out though, whatever the outcome and that you can both be happy with whatever decision you jointly come to.

Dior Mon 09-May-05 19:28:01

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