Moral support

[AAsmummy]

I feel a bit scared about throwing my emotions out to a chat room as I have never done this before. However,in the pasts, when I have felt the need for a bit of moral support I have had a read of the active conversations and they have always managed to help me get things into perspective and to make me ralise that live is actually not all that bad!

I need to get things off my chest and I thought that Mumsnet would be a good place to start.

Sad person that I am, I have always gauged how good I am as a person by how well I am doing at my job. Since I returned to work after having had twins, nearly two years ago, the job has gone cr**p (I don't belive this has anything to do with the twins, apart from the fact that I am now part time which makes the type of work difficult -internal auditor).

Since having the children I have stopped doing anything for my self and have stopped seeing friends, this is because a) I have not had the time b) all the friends do not have children and we no longer seem to be on the same wave length c) I feel guilty about leaving the children.

Life seems to be just one up hill struggle at the moment, but I still believe that good things will come out of it, but can't see what that will be at the moment.

I know that a lot of people have more problems than me, this just makes me feel worse for feeling so bad about stuff that would be trival to other people.

Any advice from anyone feeling the same way?

[Clarinet60]

Don't feel guilty, your problems don't sound trivial to me. I can relate to your stopping doing anything for yourself, it's really hard to find the time, isn't it? It sounds like you would benefit from meeting like minded friends so that you wouldn't have to leave the children. Have you tried mums&tots and groups of that ilk?
I feel very similar in many ways. Time is so short when you can't have a complete, uninterrupted conversation with anyone, that it is easy to begin to feel alienated. I certainly feel that there is a glass wall between me and many of my friends at present - I can't seem to relate ATM.
Sorry my advice is in short supply, but hope you feel better soon.

[AAsmummy]

Thanks for the advice. I used to go to some mother and baby type things, but the one that i was really keen on changed to a day when I am at work.

I did try another one but it was like going to a meeting on the 'Stepford Wifes', all the mums were perfectly made up with jewlery and full make up and all the babies were perfectly turned out, not me at all. There does not seem to be any other in the area on the right day.

[griffy]

AAs mummy - I'm full of admiration for you for managing twins and working at all. DS is 2.4 and I find him and work and all else on top a huge uphill struggle too - and like you don't have much of a social life left either.

I've had problems at work since returning when DS was 4months - in my case I think it's partly been due to others' changing attitudes to me (some people didn't expect me to still 'hack it' after returning, and became quite frightenly challenging; others were spookily patronising), but also because of my changing feelings of commitment. Whatever people say, I found that work just wasn't the same 'top priority'. What do you think has changed at your work?

Is there anywhere local that you could meet others with similar-aged children? I have two friends with children the same age, and we just speak on the phone mainly (meeting just every month or two - no time, you know), but it's a huge help, and we're really on the same wavelength.

You're not alone, and your 'stuff' isn't trivial al all. It's really hard doing all this - and to cope with twins is a massive achievement.

In awe really.

[Chinchilla]

It is blooming hard isn't it, and that is from me, who is a SAHM. You are allowed to feel a bit cheated in life, because having children DOES change your outlook on things, and make you feel different from your friends without children.

The thing I would say though is that it is important to keep a view of yourself in mind, as you were pre-children, so that you can be X, not 'just' AAsmummy. I find that going out occasionally with my single/childless friends/sister allows me to do that. Yes, we are on different wavelengths, but that doesn't mean that they can't still be good friends. I have also made new friends via M & T groups, who I see in the week with our children. These women are all nice, but I don't know if I would have met them or wanted to see them socially if I didn't have my ds.

Don't feel guilty about leaving the children occasionally. You are entitled to have some 'me time' away from the office. They won't lose out because you had a night in a wine bar or at the cinema. Anyway, your dh is just a good parent as you I'm sure! The one thing that I have learnt is that I need to make time for me, even if it is only once a month, because it is so easy to start seeing myself as only a mother, not a person in her own right.

Plus, there is that axiom of 'You work to live, not live to work'. Don't judge yourself by how successful you are there.

[Chinchilla]

Sorry, reading that again, it sounded a bit harsh. It was meant to be supportive!

[Clarinet60]

On the theme of others being patronising once you become a mum, someone told me last week that I should get DH to buy me a new car, one with 4 doors so it would be easier to get kids in. I just managed to bite back the retort 'I can buy my own cars, thank-you!' ggrrrrrr

[griffy]

Oh Droile - yeah - like is that after he's bought your plastic surgery and full Stepford wife kit since you've been entirely erased from independent existence???

People make so many assumptions - don't they? Your story reminds me of the car salesman who would only direct answers to my questions to my DP! It was me that wanted to buy the car. DP knew NOTHING and was just with me because we were on the way elsewhere. Obviously, he didn't get his commission THAT day!

[AAsmummy]

Griffy and Chinchilla, thanks so much for the support, it is really heart warming. Work was starting to make me believe that I did not deserve any kindness.

The work thing is a new manager that was promoted whilst I was on maternity leave who does not seem to have any people skills and I am sure is a depresive, he pulls people down with him (though he does not do it on purpose).

I did keep in touch with some people from my NCT classes and was regularly seeing one of the mums but she stopped returning my calls. Not too sure what this was all about.

The people that I get on really well with seem to be more vunerable than me. I would much rather listen to other people's problems than talk about my own. I think that I am a difficult person to get to know but I do not know what to do about it.

[Clarinet60]

It's so demoralising, isn't it griffy? I could start a whole new rant on this subject. It's mostly DH's friends who have this attitude towards me, and nothing I can do shifts it. I'm about to have a major triumph at work in the form of a really prestigious publication, but to them, I'm still the little woman who spends all his money and messes about at home for half the week. I don't think it's the full time versus part-time thing either - I think it's because I've got a pair of boobs and 2 children hanging off me. They'd probably patronise Cherie Blair just as badly.

[Clarinet60]

aasmummy, I think you're going through a crisis of confidence brought on partly by your lack of 'you-time'. Is there any way that you could join something in the evenings? Some class that suits your interests? I'm hoping that when I get my fat backside into gear next month and actually do this, it will improve things for me, because I'm really fed up of these 4 walls.

[Chinchilla]

It helps to relax, as thinking the worst about yourself makes others see that side of you too. Take it from someone who spends all her life believing the worst about herself. Just lately I have tried to relax about making friends, and now I am busy most days, meeting up with mums. As I said, most of them are not soul mates, but they are nice people to spend a few hours with. Also, ds likes playing with their children.

If your manager is causing problems at work, it is important that you talk to someone about it. Work is such a large part of life that it helps to be happy there.

Don't worry about letting off steam here, there is always someone who knows what you are feeling, and can empathise, even if they can't sort your problems out for you! You sound a nice thoughtful person, and someone who would be valueable as a friend.

[Chinchilla]

Sorry, 'valuable' - baby brain caused by no paid work!

[griffy]

AAsmummy - your new manager sounds like a really tough customer. As a new manager my guess would be that he's feeling really 'at sea' and unconfident, and may be taking it out on others? How you tackle the effects on you depends - in my view - on what you see as your long term goals. Is this an important career for you. Or could you happily walk tomorrow?

Droile - Oh yes - a prime subject for a new thread. Please go for it. I'm dying to read the rant!

[AAsmummy]

I can relate to what you are both saying, maybe if I had interests outside of work and children then things would seem a lot more balanced. I really must make the effort to start some evening classes.

I have talked the work thing through with HR, all they can really do is listen and make the occasional supportive comment.

I think what I am looking for is Chinchilla's 'soul mate', a friend who is in the same situation as me and telepathically knows what my problems are (I am sure that this is what husbands/partners are supposed to do!).

Anyway thanks for listening, I has better go to bed now, need to be up at 6.00.

PS Chinchilla you gave me some advice a few months ago about whinging 18 month old boys. Your advice was spot on, my son no longer whinges now that he can walk and almost talk (hope that you are finding the same)

[eemie]

Droile, while I was pregnant I had physiotherapy for a bad shoulder. I went to the physio at work who knew what job I did. He said my over-the-shoulder handbag was causing extra strain. He said - 'you'll have to persuade your husband to buy you a new one - I know, tell him I said he had to'.

[Clarinet60]

Crikey eemie, that's astounding.
I think a complilation of these would be something worth reading. On the 6 oclock news.

[Clarinet60]

aasmummy, I hope things soon improve. Re soulmate, yes, ditto, I need one too. At present, I feel that although I have friends coming out of my ears, many of the friendships are a bit superficial. The special ones seem mostly to have moved away.

[jac34]

AAsmummy,
Your post has actually made me cry, as I remember feeling exactly the same.
I have twin boys of 4.5yo, and I work 3 days a week.Before having the boys I had a busy life, loved my work etc. After having them I was so wrapped up in careing for them, that I did not seem to have time for outside interests.It took all my energy, looking after them and going to work (initially, I foolishly went back to work full time). I remember saying to DH, that I felt like, someone had come along and taken my life away from me.
Now that the boys are a bit older, I'm starting to do more things, just for myself,(not that I live a riotous life though), I'm still either with the boys or in work, but I am starting to get a bit more free time to do my own thing.
In September, the boys will go to school full time, so I'll have my days off to myself, I can't wait !!!! I feel like I'm slowly becoming my own person again.
I supose it's inevitably for all mothers to feel tied to their family for a bit, while the children are small, but your time will come again.
Perhaps, evening classes etc are a good idea, but I was always too knackered, after a day with the boys or at work.
Also, I've found they become more fun as they get older, you can go more places and do more interesting things together, as getting about with twins is a bit of a pain, while their still small.
So basically, things will improve, but I know exactly how you feel !!!

[Chinchilla]

AAsmummy - yes, my ds is whining less (he is still not actually talking, but can make his wants understood, so is less frustrated). I'm glad that problem sorted itself out, and that you have come back here. I did post a question on that thread some time ago, asking how things were going, but I don't think you were around at that time.

I know what you mean about the soul mate. I would like someone to be my 'best friend', but I have never had that really. I think that most people in life have to manage with a lot of superficial friendships, and people who are good friends for different reasons. I have a friend who I can moan about dh to, one who I can tell secrets to etc etc, but none of them have all the requirements! I used to think that it was because something was lacking in me that no-one wanted me for a best friend, but now I know that most people have lots of friends, and that a best friend might be a bit claustraphobic anyway!

[susanb]

I can relate to what many of you are saying. I too have lost contact with my really close friends; some have moved away, most of them don't have kids so have a completely different life, but I am very fortunate that I have 3 sisters who live nearby and are my best friends (although thats not to say we don't have the odd fall outs!) Nevertheless I don't feel that I have a 'soulmate', that is, someone who completely relates to me and vice versa. My dp is fantastic in many ways but not particulary good at discussing 'deep' emotional problems!!

I too often feel that part of my life has 'gone' and my ds is 3. I returned to work parttime a few months ago which has given me something else to think about but its so exhausting! I get out with the 'girls' and get completely drunk about once a month which helps (that sounds awful doesn't it?) but dp and I don't get out together very often as we don't have a reliable regular sitter. To top it all off dp is somebody who gets very involved with stuff. He's a fireman and is on the social club committee, and also is a brigade offical (sounds posh, but basically means he has to attend loads of meetings), up until recently he went to college every week, he plays football twice a week and is also a lifeboatman! I think its great he's so involved but it means less time to fit in what I want to do although he insists he would do whatever he could if I wanted to 'do' something.

Just to let you know you're not the only one feeling this way!