dh rant - what can i put in my preverbial shed?

[Tortington]

dh
what he does that gets on my nerves specifically

having a face like thunder then saying he hasnt
spent money we dont have
doing the above then moaning about it or more shouting about it at me then we end in a row
giving me the bankcard sat a time of the month when there is no sodding money in the accounts to spend after the money is gone on stupid things - not on him but stupid spending
being "overly" nice after i have had an **episode - its creepy - i expect nice but you have to experience this flesh crawling forced niceness to understand
lack of sex
feeling second place to everything else in his life for example - computers, music ,cd, downloading, websites,television.
taking the above point into consideration -
he has tried not to be so in my face about computers anymore but the face on him just drops when you say cant we go out and do something to look back on the day and say " i have done that today" rather than do nothing and download.

no humour - although not just him i realise its me too , its not a lot that we wet ourselves laughing at stuff and considering its the main f*cking reason i married him its a big thing to lose
he has a temper a big temper
he is angry at everything
doing anything with his kids is a chore
doing anything with me is a chore
the "eggshell" feeling - am sure he feels it with me more times than i care to admit - but he doesnt understand that this feeling with him comes with menace and fear - although i wouldnt admit it to him.
him saying bollox when i am saying how i am feeling
power - he has to have it - am always figting it - whether its in a job in family life in decision making in shoppoing
being in control of the shopping and deciding what we will eat and stomping off like a 3 yr old if he doesnt get his way
not letting me do the shopping
me having a fear of doing the shopping and spending too much or uyi the wrong thing - eggshell again -
cooking and using cooking as an excuse to do fuck all else becuase " i cooked tea - you do it" syndrome
the general feeling that he wants a family and a wife because his being tell him he loves us even if his actions do not prerpetuate that feeling in real life to us. but that to know we are thee would be enough as long as we didntbloody well get ingfront of "HIS" life - not OURS - definatley his. he would be like a pig in shit with the knowlege that his wife and family are in the house and he is in his shed which would be covered in downloaded cd's and have a stereo and a hi fi in place
aand digital telly
then he could pop in cook a meal - he has obviously done his housework duties by cooking the meal, burp, fart grap my tits or arse make some lewd comment and then eat and come to bed with me for a right good fuck before getting up early or maybe even straight after to go to his downloading shed to be happy once more.

having written this out i have realised he wants to be a 16 year old spotty geek in a black painted bedroom with mucky magazines - only this one isnt 16 and he also has a wife and kids to ignore - but has the comfort of knowing they will always be there - lucky him

what would my shed be?

** an episode is either me crying till my stomach hurts and tring to talk about all the issues a la oprah winfrey
or
screaming and arguing until the above happens
resulting in - a change in nothing

its been going on forever but really finding it hard to cope as i have moved a year ago and have no support network of family or friends.

hence the question

what can i put in my prevervial shed ( or my life) to make coping easier

thank you

[grommit]

Custardo - you sound like you are having a baaad day! Men are all pretty much the same - just some cover it up better than others. This showed itself on easter Sunday when we had some relatives and friends for lunch - women cooked all lunch, looked after and played with kids while men all watched motor racing - GRRRRR! I am pg and feeling like hell but did dh offer to help with anything - NOOO!
I sympathise completely with you - what you and we all need is some ME time. Leave the kids with dh and go out for the day with friends - maybe even stay overnight if you have some singleton friends - that is what I am planning!

[Tortington]

oh dear realised inapart from the enormous use of bad language ..bad spelling

it was all writing in anger - so hope you all forgive me but i understand if moderators want to deleat
if the bad language doesnt phase you the spelling might - pretend your learning another language - and itmight make a little sense
anhow if your not flipping the thread - hopefully you will get this warning if your easily offended

[mmm]

I often wish I lived in an all women community in a co housing scheme with all my darling friends and a big communal house in the middle where we could be together if we fancied and be alone in our unit if we didn't - I still have this fantasy that when I'm old me and two or three friends will really do that - sorry if my dream isn't relevant and it's perfectly all right to swear if you want- and god isn't it awful sometimes and aren't men a load of pigs sometimes ? 5 i sleep in my own bedroom because I couldn't bear the farting/snoring bit - it's great !

[miriamw]

Ooops, now I'm feeling bad - Although I cooked lunch on Sunday, I had a lie-in, went out in the morning leaving dh to look after Ds (with chicken-pox), watched the last part of the Grand Prix and had an afternoon nap - admittedly I only got away with this as baby 2 is less than 3 weeks away!

That said, dh has admitted that he is fighting nature, and if he could, he would have retreated to his den in the loft (pulling the ladder up behind him) to play with his vast amount of musical gear. So I have to agree with grommit - men are the same, but some hide it better than others. Counds as if yours isn't hiding it at all at present custardo.

[whymummy]

custardo youve got me in tears as ive felt like that many times but could have never expressed myself as good as you have,i think you should show him the message he might realise what he`s doing to you,good luck!!

[jasper]

custy, a lot of this rings true with me. I often dream about a life with NO telly, computers, CDs, DVDs,videos, stupid electronc gadgets and new bits which arrive in the post every week or so so dh can "upgrade" his computer. I can't abide what I see as a great big waste of money.
I know about the eggshells too.

You ask what you can put in your shed (or life) to make coping easier. Is this what you want or do you want him to take his shed and his toys and sod off with them?

[jasper]

grommit, same here on Easter day. The women looked after 5 babies and toddlers between us while preparing a huge meal; the men rode motorbikes and came in to eat then went off again to play after half an hour.

[grommit]

Jasper - unbelievable isn't it?! Next time I have friends for lunch I have decided dh will do all the cooking - assisted by the other men. The food will be horrific and the kitchen will be like a bomb site but worth it to see him struggle :-)

[Bugsy]

Custardo, sorry you're feeling hacked off with your dh. Haven't got any top tips - if I had I would have applied them to my own sad life.
However - big hugs.

[Meanmum]

I would put my ideal man in the shed. What more would you need as obviously he will be gorgeous to look at, intelligent, funny, sexy, happy to do housework in only a small apron, have a six pack, be wealthy, be sympathetic, understanding and completely in tune with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. As yet, I haven't found him, but I aspire to having him in my shed.

[doormat]

Why don't uou "download" your boot up his a**

[doormat]

Sorry that was supposed to be a you
Consequences of hangover

[CAM]

Custy, you have got some friends. Lots of love from one of them xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[iota]

How about a voodoo doll of dh and lots of sharp pins?

I do sympathise - overall I think my dh is one of the better ones, but I still have issues with his priorties re television, grand prix, computing, downloading files and all that other guy stuff mentioned.

Yesterday I was headless chickening getting myself and the two boys ready to go out with friends (filling the nappy bag, getting boys clean, shoes on, coats etc etc) and what was dh doing? building a photo montage of the boys - sweet - but did it have to be done then?

[Linzoid]

Custardo, i totally sympathise. I especially understand the bit about the shopping, we spent week after week rowing about this. He wanted to go shopping, didn't even mind taking the kids with him but me, no way. He also insists he cooks the meals when he's at home ( think yourself lucky some might say) but he has no qualms about telling me it's because he likes it done properly and then of course he brainwashes himself into thinking that he's been tied to the kitchen doing endless chores for us all and we should be eternally grateful! He goes out far more than i do (about 2 or 3 times a week) but should i have a night out it seems i'm not entitled to another one for ages. He is sooo touchy that a passing comment can quickly be turned into such a big deal that he thinks we should split up. If i ever feel down about myself he gets so angry at me that he says he doesn't want a partner that has low self esteem and is sick of me whinging (have since given up trying to confide in him anything that matters). He polishes his guitar to a shine spending ages on it and complains if we leave rubbish in his car but is happy to live in a pigsty and calls me obsessive. aaaargh!!

[Tortington]

thank you for your entertaining comments much appreciated!

[tigermoth]

custardo, I've always thought it unfair when my dh goes on about wanting a shed. I told him if he has one I have one too. Not a good response to that.

I know the treading on eggshells feeling (sometimes my dh does too if I pull out all the stops) but my dh hates and loathes computers. Keeps threatening to pull the cables out. An avid reader and collector of useless facts, he won't ever use the internet. He has fought tooth and nail against having a PC in the house. Downloading is sin to him. Get the feeling that somewhere between your dh and mine is a perfect man.

[winnie1]

Custardo, I really believe that having ones own 'shed' is a necessity. Carving out space for yourself in the way that your husband has for himself is so important. What is it about women that we simply don't demand what we need/want...?

Make a list of all the things you want to do in life and, as far as is practically possible, start doing them. Make him take some responsibility by just getting out there and leaving the children with him in the way that he would you. I am beginning to think we need a Mumsnet retreat... a place by the sea to simply escape too...

[Philippat]

ooohhh, a mumsnet retreat! Yes yes!
Actually, I think mumsnet is my shed.

custardo, hugs.

[sis]

wasn't there a yurt available a few weeks back?

[Bozza]

You are so right Philippat - thats the great thing about Mumsnet.

[WideWebWitch]

I've only just seen this custardo. Hugs from me too.

[Dahlia]

Custardo, do you love him? I mean, can you see yourself being with him forever without going off your head? I know nothing is that simple, but you sound so unhappy to me, and although its a cliche, life is too short to waste it. If deep down you really do love him, then fair enough, and I apologise for even suggesting that you leave him. Maybe I am unusual, but after 7 years of marriage, we still behave like we are on honeymoon, and I am completely and totally happy with my husband all the time. So it CAN be like that. It just breaks my heart to hear someone so unhappy and thoroughly pissed off. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn, but I just hate to think of such hopelessness.
Hang in there girlie. Lots of love xxx

[Chinchilla]

Can I just say Dahlia - Lucky you. I think that you must be in a minority, but it must be wonderful. Dh and I just seem to exist. Yes, we laugh at things, have days out, eat together etc but it is not what it was, and it was never perfect.

[Dahlia]

Chinchilla - yes, I am lucky! But this is my second marriage, first was a total disaster so I know what its like to be unhappy like Custardo. Its totally cack. At least you say you have a laugh etc with yours, even though its not brilliant.