Surrounded by pregnant women – help! (sorry – long moan!)

[Crysanthemum]

We have one wonderful ds of four and a half, and have reluctantly decided not to have any more for a number of reasons (bad pnd, 1 in 35 risk of a genetically inherited condition ? plus I'm not actually that keen on small babies!). However, I know I have a bit of an issue about having an only child, and am constantly trying to justify my decision ? mainly to myself. As my fortieth birthday loomed last year, I had a brief change of heart and we tried briefly for a number 2, but nothing happened. I made a decision that 40 should be my cut-off point, and we haven't tried since, but I'm not sure I've really come to terms with it.
Mostly, life chugs along as normal, but recently I've found myself surrounded by pregnant women ? and it's making me really depressed. I work in a very small office (in a pregnancy/baby-related industry) and am currently covering for someone's maternity leave; my boss is pregnant, both ds's best friends' mums are pregnant, and I just discovered this weekend that BOTH my next door neighbours are newly pregnant with their second babies (not making this up, honestly!). I know I should be happy and congratulate them, but I'm finding it so hard. When dp came in from the garden yesterday, giggling that he'd heard the second next-door-neighbour male boasting how he'd obviously got lead in his pencil, I'm afraid I just burst into tears. Someone once mentioned feeling like the bad fairy at the christening ? this is EXACTLY how I feel.

I haven't really talked to dp about it, as I don't understand why I feel like this, as I don't think I really want another baby ? and can't talk to my sister (who I'm usually pretty close to about most things) since she's recently had chemotherapy and it's unlikely she'll be able to have even one child, so I feel doubly guilty, when I already have a gorgeous healthy ds. I just wish I could make sense of this and move on and enjoy the life I have.

Not sure what anyone can say, but it would be nice to hear from any of you!

(Changed my name for this post, as I don't think it reflects me in a very flattering light and one of the pws might be mumsnetter)

[Ghosty]

Ah ... Chrysanthemum ... please don't be too hard on yourself ...
I know how it feels when it seems that everyone is pg ... when I had my m/c all I could see was bumps and blooming pregnant ladies wherever I went.
Do you think you might be upset because you THINK you MIGHT want another but are unsure because of the risks involved? If that is the case I think you and your DH need to sit down and talk about what you both want ... and weigh it all up. I get the feeling that if you were adamant that you did not want anymore you would not be this upset ... You say "I don't think I really want another baby" not "I know I don't want another baby" ... so maybe that is why you are feeling like this ... because you are just not sure what you really want and you feel like you are getting pregnancy pushed on you at every corner.
I hope someone can give better advice than that but I do think you need to have a good think and a good talk with your DH about whether or not no2 is an option for you.
HTH ... probably not ... but I do feel for you ...
PS ... This definitely does NOT reflect you in a bad light ... and I don't know how you think it could ...... so who are you really ?

[Soxwasher]

I know its a cliche but I do know exactly how you feel - although I felt most like this 10 years ago when we adopted dd2. I was so thrilled to have her and didn't want anymore but despite what my head said, I had not really come to terms with not having a second birth child. Each pregnancy I heard about sent me to bed in tears - DH was great and very sympathetic but felt differently to me and spent his time treading on egg shells. It was the most isolating feeling I had - I told one person but then she became pregnant (unexpectedly) and she almost apologised to me about it - it was just soooooo humiliating.

The only help I can give you is that it will pass - it has taken me a long time but now my reaction is genuinely pleased for people speckled with a quickly fading feeling of remorse for us.

Comfort yourself by knowing that you wil have the freedom to do more "grown-up" things with your ds whilst the others are still feeling tied down i.e relaxed holidays are something you will benefit from sooner than them

And ... most of all be kind to yourself - don't expect more than is reasonable from yourself, your reaction is quite normal. And treat yourself a bit - taking into account that you are pretty raw right now. BUT IT WILL PASS!

[Crysanthemum]

Thanks so much, girls ? to be honest, it has helped a bit just to write this down and get it off my chest. One of the reasons I thought I'd better change my name was that I was shocked and ashamed of the strength of the negative feelings I'm having about this. It's good to hear I'm not totally abnormal!
Ghosty ? I think you've hit the nail on the head. I'm not at all sure whether I do or don't want another child, but not only is there a risk factor involved (well, I suppose there is for everyone) with the pnd and the genetic problem, but at 40, I feel that time is running out for me, and I have to make a decision one way or the other very soon. As I mentioned, we did try for a few months last year, but nature seemed to have made the decision for me. But I'm concerned, too, that this may be a mid-life crisis sort of thing, too ? not wanting to acknowledge the fact that my childbearing years are over, as well as a not-wanting-to-feel-left-out thing, when everyone I know has at least two kids. And neither of these is a good enough reason for bringing another life into the world.

I can see I have some more thinking to do ? thank you both so much for your kindness and support. (DS is at a friend's house this afternoon, Soxwasher, and I'm going off to have a pedicure now ? something I wouldn't find so easy with a new little baby around. Must keep looking for the silver lining! )