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I am about to do something rather nasty

63 replies

tigermoth · 12/04/2005 20:52

I will not be inviting one of my son's classmates to ds's 11th birthday party.

Reasons why:
He has been badly behaved at another party - shook up cans of fizzy drink and sprayed all the children and didn't stop when told off.

He can be physically pretty spiteful - dh saw him dragging a child across the playground by their hair.

ds and dh say they are 70% he stole a valuable toy when he last came round here (about a year ago). The party is going to be held in our home, we can't clear the room of all our stuff, so we need to trust the children who come round.

He is very defiant at school (I have talked about this on other threads)and dh and I find it diffucult to control him. Ds1 is afraid to be alone with him as he can be very naughty and ds finds it difficult to distance himself from trouble.

Also, he is not the only child who will not get a party invite, so he won't feel singled out exactly.

Why are we are holding a party at home?

It is ds's last year at the school and he wants to do this for his friends. Hiring a hall and disco and inviting all the class is inconvenient datewise and not good value for money. We have enough party space for about fifteen 11 year olds, so can easily cater for ds's friends.

However, and this is the point I go Ahhhh... the boy's mother does the school pick up for ds1 and 2. No one else offered to do it and if she feels snubbed, gets cross with me and stops the pick up I don't know what I will do.

Also, in the past (ie a year ago) ds and her son used to have the odd playdate, and we have invited him to previous parties ds has had.They boys were sort of friends, and I think the boy's mother still thinks they are. I expect she will be annoyed and hurt to find out that our ds is not inviting her ds to his party.

So should I say anything to the mother about the lack of a party invite? say nothing and cross my fingers? help, this is urgent as I need to get the invites out this week!

I haven't much computer time in the next day or so, so if I don't reply immediately, please bear with me.

OP posts:

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essbee · 12/04/2005 20:58

Message withdrawn

Milliways · 12/04/2005 21:00

If the Mum mentions it, say you had to set a limit on numbers and left it to DS to choose. We cannot choose their friends, and he would like to invite the whole class but....

When my DS is not invited to a party, I would never ask why. They can't all go to all the parties.

I hope your DS has a lovely time.

lou33 · 12/04/2005 21:02

your son should hav those he feels happiest with at his party. Maybe you could explain that you had to limit numbers, and as him and your ds are not as close as they were, you had to keep it to those he played regularly with?

Gobbledigook · 12/04/2005 21:04

Tigermoth - what a nightmare, but like you I wouldn't invite him and I wouldn't say anything. OR, like Miliways says, I might say 'I really hope you don't mind but we can only fit so many in the house and we left it up to ds to choose'.

It's a tough one but I think the wish to have a successful and fun party for your ds (and for you!) without stress should outweigh discomfort around the mother whose son is not invited.

Hope it's a fab party though.

wordsmith · 12/04/2005 21:04

I wouldn't lose sleep about it. Is he the ONLY one you're not inviting from the class? IME there are so many flippin' parties, my DS goes to loads and I'm convinced he doesn't always know whose birthday it is...

stitch · 12/04/2005 21:05

depends on how desperate you are for her to do the school run. and how mature you think this lady is.

RTMTMML · 12/04/2005 21:05

I agree with milli and essbee. There is one child that I wouldn't invite to DS1s parties. He was a nasty little scrote and he was rude to adults and kids alike. DS1 still sees him sometimes, but knows that I don't like him. I won't stop him from seeing him but I won't encourage it either. Hopefully he'll drop off the radar soon.

kid · 12/04/2005 21:07

I agree with Milliways, if she mentions it to you just say you let DS chose as its his party after all. We can't make our children like or play with certain children, not sure that I would want my kids playing with someone like that anyway.

WideWebWitch · 12/04/2005 21:09

Eeek, I don't think you're wrong, not at all, I wouldn't invite him either but I don't know if I'd mention it. I assume there are loads (well, there must be) of parties ds isn't invited to and it doesn't occur to me to ask why or to expect him to be invited. But I don't do the school run with the mothers concerned, which must complicate things. Maybe you should just casually say 'we had limited numbers I'm afraid' but only if the subject comes up. I'm no help am I? Sorry!

tigermoth · 12/04/2005 21:31

thanks. Keep'em coming!

So far, I am inclined to say to the mother that we let ds choose his 15 friends and had to set a strict limit on numbers....but she knows the layout of our house, knows it's pretty big inside, so could accommodate more than 15 children if pushed.

Also, ds1 will be inviting about 6 girls from his class, so it's a proper pre teen party. He doesn't ever play with these girls (no playdates anyway) just likes them from afar, so the statement 'ds is inviting his best friends' is a bit dodgy. Still it does save everyone's face.

Just cannot decide whether to tell teh boys's mother first of let her find it out for herself. Eeek indeed www!

OP posts:

collision · 12/04/2005 21:37

I would DEFINITELY say nothing to her. If she mentions it, look puzzled and say, 'Kids are just so difficult arent they? We left it up to ds to decide who he wanted to invite and that was that. I am really sorry if you are offended but no offense was intended. Why dont you and he pop round next week for tea or maybe we could all go bowling etc etc blah blah!!'

If you mention it first then it looks like you are justifying yourself which you really dont have to do. He might learn his lesson.

whatsername · 12/04/2005 21:48

I agree with the others. Don't say anything and if she says anything to you then you say it was down to ds to choose.

So what if you could accomodate more? It's not just about physical space, is it? It's about managable numbers. You don't need to justify yourself. You have to set the limit somewhere after all.

lou33 · 12/04/2005 21:49

wait and see if she mentions it first

JanH · 12/04/2005 21:50

Blimey, tigermoth, 15 11-yr-olds in your house? Are you mad, woman?

Definitely don't mention it if she doesn't; is there any danger though that she will hear about it and assume her darling boy is invited?

Amberlilli · 12/04/2005 21:57

Is this parent aware of their childs behaviour?
I wouldn't worry at all! It is your sons decision who comes to his party! Imagine being 11 again and being made to invite that girl at school you don't like.
As for them knowing the layout of your house, it is your house so can't you decide how many kids you want there.
You could say you are inviting girls so it doesn't get too boisterous 15 11 yr old boys!!!!
I agree with others don't mention it unless she does. It would be pretty childish on her part to snub you for something like this.

champs · 12/04/2005 23:52

hi, agree with others. ds deserves to have a happy time. also i dont think it's nasty at all you have valid reasons. my ds1 isn't invited toall parties infact not to many and i wouldn't think of asking why i also dont asume he should be invited. if he was the only one i would wonder what happened but wouldn't snub parent. if we were good friends i would ask.
as all have said, dont mention unless she does and it really is up to ds who comes girls or otherwise.
even if you had space for a hundrd kids it is up to you how many are allowed.

If all gets a little heated and you feel you will loose school run chum, then you could tell her that she would have to be there to make sure he was well behaved. although it sounds like he would be a handfull even if she was there. surely she must know what he's like tho.

nosyparker · 13/04/2005 00:00

it all sounds really reasonable apart from the school run bit - I don't know exactly what that involves - do you pay her to pick the kids up or do you take it in turns or is she just doing you a favour? If it's just a favour then if it were me, yes, I'd feel snubbed and I'd probably resent it like mad, but I'm not the best at 'giving' stuff like that.
Another thought though - did your ds get invited to her ds's latest b day party - if not, then no big deal for you not to invite him either

pragmatist · 13/04/2005 08:59

Well I actually think you owe it to the other mum - who afterall has been helpful to you (school run) to talk to her about the party.

Mention that you would like to invite her son but have misgivings because of his unpredictable behaviour (fizzy drink can incident for instance). I'm sure she realises that her son can be a handful. Get an undertaking from her that she accompanies her son and stays throughout the party, and that she must take him directly home if he is out of line.

I think that would be the fairest approach in the circumstances.

I'd hate to be the other mum feeling anguish because of perceived rejection of her son. I can almost imagine a MN thread from her....

ggglimpopo · 13/04/2005 09:07

Message withdrawn

flashingnose · 13/04/2005 09:20

Agree with pragmatist, I'm afraid. If you really would be stuffed if she couldn't do the school run, I wouldn't risk offending or upsetting her. Sorry.

wild · 13/04/2005 09:23

i'd invite him

elliott · 13/04/2005 09:29

I'm afraid I'm with the 'invite' contingent. I mean you said in the title of the thread you were about to do somethign 'nasty' so, if you know really that you are goign to upset and offend someone, why do it? I would also be pretty miffed if I was doing you a regular favour, thought our sons were friends and then found that my son was excluded from the party. I'd be upset and confused, woudln't you in that situation?
I'm also not clear whether it is your ds who doesn't want the boy invited, or you and your dh. If your ds is really not keen, then perhaps you are justified but shoudl explain to the mum definitely.

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saadia · 13/04/2005 09:37

I can see why she might be upset, what with her doing the school run and everything, but I wouldn't want to invite such a little terror either.

Is there any way you could control him? Does your ds have any older teenage cousins who could help supervise? If he is totally out of control then you'll just have to go with the "limited numbers, ds's choice" approach. I don't think there are any easy answers. But I think it would be very petty of her to stop the school run based on this.

SecondhandRose · 13/04/2005 09:41

Good for you Tigermoth, we send out party invites and the parents are so rude they don't even have the courtesy to reply. I'd rather spend more on a few special friends than invite the whole class because you feel you have to.

Hope your DS has a lovely time. Mine was 10 a couple of weeks ago, can't believe where the time has gone.

marthamoo · 13/04/2005 09:43

Ouch! What a dilemma. I honestly don't know what I'd do but I would be loathe to upset/offend the other Mum - especially as you rely on her help. And, in her shoes, I would be upset and offended I think. But I wouldn't want the horrid child at the party and your ds shouldn't have to have someone he doesn't want at his party...

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