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Need help writing a letter of congratulations and symapthy in one

(13 Posts)
FiveGoMadInDorset Thu 19-Feb-09 18:57:18

My cousin and his wife have managed to conceive twins through IVF which we found out today and very pleased them, but at a scan which I think was today or yesterday they found out that although one baby is developing normally the other baby is badly deformed and will not live but doctors don't want to abort it for fear of losing the other one. Would like to write a note that encompasses both bits of news but dread being tactless. So O Wise Mumsnetters please can you help me.

ScummyMummy Thu 19-Feb-09 19:01:22

What terribly bitter-sweet news, five. Would it maybe be better to phone them and see how they're feeling about things?

FiveGoMadInDorset Thu 19-Feb-09 19:21:53

They are in Germany and although close when growing up we have only seen each other a couple of times over the last few years and to be honest I would dread phoning them up over something like this.

ConnorTraceptive Thu 19-Feb-09 19:25:06

perhaps wait until the baby is born. I don't think I would send out congratulation cards for a pregnancy in any case tbh? or is that the common thing to do?

whyme2 Thu 19-Feb-09 19:28:00

I had to do this when my a relative gave birth to twins, one dead, one alive and well. I think I used a nice card and wrote that I wanted to celebrate the arrival but also send my sympathy on their loss. I didn't write much. I just wanted to say something. I think they will appreciate your kindness whatever words you use.

ScummyMummy Thu 19-Feb-09 19:32:20

That sounds perfect, whyme2. I agree with Connor on maybe waiting till the birth though, especially if you're not very close any more. Won't they hear that you're thinking of them on the family grapevine?

Nabster Thu 19-Feb-09 19:38:14

Would you have sent a pregnancy congratulations card if all had been well? If so, I would still send one.

"I/we were so happy to hear of your news and equally so very sorry for you that one of your babies has such a tough time ahead of them. We are hear for you if you want to talk."

Just thinking out loud so apologies if I have spoken out of turn.

poppy34 Thu 19-Feb-09 19:49:04

something along lines nabster says - tbh it does really help if you hear from people when you lose a baby even if you don't necessarily respond at the time.

neenztwinz Thu 19-Feb-09 22:43:20

I think in that situation whatever you say will be appreciated, just to have people acknowledge that is a very sad situation will help. I think what Nabster said is ideal.

dustbuster Thu 19-Feb-09 22:45:59

I have never been in a situation like this, but I think it would be nice to send them a card so that they know that people are thinking of them and acknowledging how bittersweet the situation is. Nabster's suggestion seems very good.

FiveGoMadInDorset Fri 20-Feb-09 00:58:49

Nabster, thank you so much that seems the right thing to say.

abdnhiker Fri 20-Feb-09 07:47:26

I've had to send sympathy cards for this but without the happy part - it was to a very close family friend I'd lost touch with (but sees the rest of my family all the time). His wife said it was really nice to hear from me so I think that sending a card would be lovely. Maybe just a plain patterned card? I like whyme's words "I wanted to celebrate the arrival but also send my sympathy on their loss."

Nabster Fri 20-Feb-09 08:14:43

FiveGoMad - you are welcome though I am so sorry you have to send a card like this at all. sad

Is there no chance at all for the other baby?

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