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elderly parents............letting off steam

(164 Posts)
almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:07:26

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!ok thank you i feel better mum is 84 nd i love her soooooo much but she is so tiring..... i have brothers that are all older than me with no kids at home i have 3 children at home ,,,i am the only one that takes her out twice a week in her chair and some other days she comes over here,,,,,,,i am not moaning as i love her but i get so i just got home from taking her shopping.i asked her if she had enough money as i look after it ..i gave her 40 pounds in her kitchen ,,by the time i got home she phoned and couldnt find it ,, i cant write all i feel on here but i just wanted to screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:09:36

ok crying now feel guilty for moaning she had me at 47,,and all life since 8or 9 i have looked after her......i wish she hadnt bothered having me ..........................................

kid Tue 12-Apr-05 13:10:56

Hope you feel better for getting that off your chest. Its a shame your brothers can't help out.
Do they drive? Maybe they could take her shopping and you can still take her out in her chair a couple of times a week.
Does your mum get any homehelp?

MistressMary Tue 12-Apr-05 13:11:34

Do you have attendaence allowance so someone can help her and free you up a bit?

jangly Tue 12-Apr-05 13:12:49

I think your name is very appropriate - you do sound almost an angel! I think in a lot of families its the women the burden falls onto. Could you phone one of your brothers and get him to pop round after work and show her where the money is. Encourage them to do their share?

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:13:12

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ,,,,i got my nik name because i always try to help friends and ..they say oh your an angel ,,well i dont want to be a bloody angel any more i want to lay in abath without feeling guilty,,i want to go out on my own without feeling guilty for not taking my mum,,,,,,,,,,i want to lay on the floor and stamp my feet ,,,,

morningpaper Tue 12-Apr-05 13:14:30

poor you!

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:14:44

she wont accept home help...i take her washing home with me..and my hubby takes it back,,,i have had a go at my brothers but they think im joking ,,,,,,,she has put the money somewhere and cant find it

jangly Tue 12-Apr-05 13:15:07

Do it! And don't feel guilty!

MistressMary Tue 12-Apr-05 13:15:40

Is she compus mentus? Does she go to a day centre or anything at all?

moschops Tue 12-Apr-05 13:18:07

my gran is 83 and about 4 of her children (my mum being one of them) pop in during the week to look after her.........she is much the same. she cannot remember if it is me or my sis that is pregnant (although with nearly 40 grandchildren we'll forgive her that).

she also has home help twice a week........

you are doing really well if you are coping with this on your mum is starting to really worry about my gran and that her memory will make her become a danger to herself but she refuses any help and absolutely does not want to move into sheltered accomodation.

you come on here and scream all you want........i wish i could offer some advice but the best i can do is send you a virtual hug.........

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:18:38

my dh and dd and i are going on our first holiday without my parents this year im 36 and she is putting me on a real guilt trip mind you i have had tickets on guilt trips all my life ,,,i am paying one of my friends to visit her everyday while we are away ,,but im still scared i wont relax ,,and thats not fair on my dds and dh

kid Tue 12-Apr-05 13:21:04

My aunt lived with her brother and had Alzeimers. After having suffered it for about 7 years, she became hard work. She would escape out of the house and wonder the streets, she would turn the oven on and leave it. She could also get violent if we stopped her from getting out of the house.
My uncle did receive help though. Someone used to come and take their washing to the laundrette, meals on wheels was offered. My aunt attended a respite centre, she once stayed there for a week too. If your mum doesn't get any support other than from you, why don't you call Help The Aged. They will let you know if they can help you in any way.

You really shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time for yourself, we all need some time to ourselves.

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:21:15

moschops thank you i cant see for crying ,,,she has a warden that goes in each morning,,,to see if shes ok ,,and she had home help before my father died on fathers day last year,,,,,but she just gets angry if i suggest it,,,,she is getting forgetful,,and i was in tears as she didnt rememer it would have been her anniversary the other day

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:21:21

moschops thank you i cant see for crying ,,,she has a warden that goes in each morning,,,to see if shes ok ,,and she had home help before my father died on fathers day last year,,,,,but she just gets angry if i suggest it,,,,she is getting forgetful,,and i was in tears as she didnt rememer it would have been her anniversary the other day

MistressMary Tue 12-Apr-05 13:21:43

Old folks are masters at guilt trips.
I have seen how they get to their families.

kid Tue 12-Apr-05 13:21:57

what area do you live in almostanangel and how old are your children?

moschops Tue 12-Apr-05 13:22:09

with reference to home gran fought it all the way.......even when she was stuck in the bath for three hours because she couldn't get herself out..she refused to let us get home help in. in the end the family ganged up on her and said you either go into a nursing home or let home help in twice a week....and she relented.

you need to kick your brothers into you want me to do it for you...i'm feeling annoyed on your behalf at their useless attitude!!!

MistressMary Tue 12-Apr-05 13:22:45

Have you spoken the GP at all for an assesment?

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:23:41

no i am scared i will upset her.

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:24:43

my children are 15/13/7,,,,,,,im in essex

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:27:09

i want my dad back

MistressMary Tue 12-Apr-05 13:28:45

I think you need to do something for your sanity.

almostanangel Tue 12-Apr-05 13:35:26

am looking forward to holiday ...but will be weird not having her there ...........

swiperfox Tue 12-Apr-05 13:38:00

Hello - You poor thing. It must be so difficult for you. It reminds me a bit of my Nan. She is 74 and has let herself go since my Grandad died in '97. She is so bitter and twisted because of my Grandad but under all that she is so lovely. My mum gets really fed up with her - and like you has 2 brothers who dont help so much.
She lives in a residential place where they buy their own flats and have a warden but she's decided she doesnt like it and is moving to a maisoonette on her own. She does it for attention so we're all fussing round her. Then at the last minute she'll change her mind. Then she'll start something else.
She doesn't want to be here. It's so obvious. She wants to be with my Grandad. It's horrible to see her going through every day so miserable.

So in a way I can understand how you're feeling aaa, and how emotionally draining it is. Not fair is it

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