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(16 Posts)
horseshoe Mon 11-Apr-05 14:13:59

DP and I got engaged about 2 yrs ago but although we have discussed marriage we have decided that it's just not high enough on our agenda of importance. We have made a will to cover us for DD's sake and although eventually we wished to get married we have decided that we would rather TTC No.2

I have just been told that it's fair enough having one child outside of marriage if it wasn't planned but there is no excuse to continue having children without getting married as it is frowned upon by society. I am reeling with anger.

What made me laugh was lady was going into religious beliefs and that I could even have a quickie wedding in a registry forgive me but I thought a registry office was classed as a civil wedding not a religious one.

I'd quite happily get married in a registry office, 9 months pregnant with no make up on but that is my choice to make.

Is society really still like this? Or was she old fashioned.

Chandra Mon 11-Apr-05 14:19:02

Some people is, some people is not. Sometimes is easier for some aspects of family life to be married (If you are moving to other country, if you and your children live in an environment that is proactive about the importance of marriage, etc.) However, even if you live in such environment, you don't have to say that you are not married if you think is none of their business.

Chandra Mon 11-Apr-05 14:20:07

BTW I'm married, but both DH and I consider that things would have been easier in may aspets if we had remained being only partners.

Chandra Mon 11-Apr-05 14:20:34

may aspets??????? MaNy aspeCts!

NomDePlume Mon 11-Apr-05 14:23:00

I don't think society is like this, although I'm sure that some unmarried parents are frowned upon in some of the more traditional areas of the UK. IMO this lady was being old fashioned.

My DD was conceived and delivered outside of marriage, she was 11 months old when her father and I got married. For me it wasn't importabt to be married before having a child, I did want to get married but we wanted a baby and as DH was still going through a long and acrimonious 3 year long divorce, the baby came first.

beatie Mon 11-Apr-05 14:33:27

Sound slike this is one person's viewpoint and not a true reflection of society's attitudes today. Hoe nice of her to think you wanted to hear it

We didn't think marriage was very important until after we had DD. We got married when she was 11 months. It's really up to you though. There's no point to getting married just to please other people.

muminlondon Mon 11-Apr-05 14:36:01

I got married after dd was born - quite proud at how cheaply we did it, in fact! It's not a big deal and it's very easy to arrange - I don't care at all about the symbolic or religious aspects of marriage, I just think it's useful in legal terms as I've seen the consequences of not being married when your live-in partner dies or leaves you (i.e. no rights).

secretregular Mon 11-Apr-05 14:38:28

oh tke no notice. You should do what matters to you and bugger the rest. I am a big believer in marriage but I wouldn't want anyone to do it who didn't want to do it from the bottom of their hearts. Only you know what is important to you and her comments about its okay to have one child outside marriage but not two are just her own opinions, they certainly aren't mine and I say that as a married mum of two!

crunchie Mon 11-Apr-05 14:59:41

Yes there are people like this, but there are also people like you who don't see the need to get married 'for teh sake of teh children'.

TBH - and this maynot help - I only ever take notice of what people I care about say. WHat I mean by this is that I don't give a stuff what the old woman in ASDA's says about my parenting skills, or what anyone thinks when DD needs a wee and we have to do it behind a bush. The ONLY people I actually take notice of are DH, My parents, some times in-laws (but they wouldn't DARE critise me to my face ), my family and my true friends. Anyone else can go take a very long running jump

This is how I live my life and who are you to tell me anything. Therefore I don't get angry about this I just laugh if anyone thinks they are in a position to tell me anything

batters Mon 11-Apr-05 15:28:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDoolittle Mon 11-Apr-05 15:36:44

Even if society is like this. Why should it dictate to you? Only you know what is right for you.

horseshoe Mon 11-Apr-05 15:38:17

He He..

Well you lot have certainly calmed me down and I realise she was just an interferring old bat!!!

In future when people ask me I'm just gonna tell them I dont like his surname and steer clear of the morals of marriage.

horseshoe Mon 11-Apr-05 15:41:27

On a serious note i have spoken to my mum and she thinks in all her know all glory that maybe I took it to heart as it is more of an issue with me than what I originally thought it was IYKWIM.

CarolinaMoon Mon 11-Apr-05 15:43:31

horseshoe, she is bloody rude, never mind old-fashioned - what's it got to do with her??

my dp and i agreed long ago that we didn't want or need to get married, and having our ds hasn't changed that. our families have just about got used to the idea , and fortunately i've never had the sort of reaction you describe so i don't think there's really any taboo about it these days.

it is totally up to you whether and when you get married - and having a child with someone is far more of a commitment to them than getting married.

CarolinaMoon Mon 11-Apr-05 15:45:15

oops, took too long to write my post and crossed yours. with all due respect to your mum, i think i'd be pretty upset to have that kind of rant from someone regardless of the subject.

muminlondon Mon 11-Apr-05 15:47:33

I agree having a child is a bigger commitment than getting married. In a weird way it made getting married easier because I had never imagined myself doing it before.

But that was just my own experience - no one else should dictate to you what to do.

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