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Just how do I accept this?

(72 Posts)
beansprout Fri 08-Apr-05 09:17:12

Dp separated from his xp 14 years ago. He has always paid maintenance (£200 pm for food and bills) and basically bought everything his dd needs - clothes, uniform, books, holidays etc etc She has stayed with him every other weekend from Friday to Monday and he has seen her on weekdays.

In the meantime BM has claimed benefits on the basis that dp hasn't paid them a penny. The CSA have "caught up" with him and the final hearing is next week. Dp is likely to get a bill for 1000s and 1000s of pounds. He won't tell the truth as he is scared BM will be prosecuted for benefit fraud and this will affect his relationship with his dd.

We now have ds who is 5 months. I am on mat. leave and am likely to return p/time so money is tight as it is.

I really cannot accept this but dp tells me I have to. I am SO angry but there is nothing I can do. Please, please advise me on how I can deal with this as at the moment I'm in bits and am going up the wall.


Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 09:18:35

I would be livid. he HAS to tell the truth. he has a child with you now, he has to tell the truth. he has done nothing wrong, why should he be punished for it?

SkiBunnyFlummy Fri 08-Apr-05 09:19:45

Jeezus what a b*tch.

That is so sly. I guess you just have to stand by your dp and suck it up.

I mean its harsh but can't think of another option

mummytosteven Fri 08-Apr-05 09:20:07

agree with Fio2. It's just not on as he's got obligations to you and your child.

Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 09:22:33

well i for one would resent having to go back to work part time to basically pay something back that he has already paid!!! how bloody unfair

yoyo Fri 08-Apr-05 09:27:07

What a difficult position to be in. Is the BM pushing the CSA for this money? If she is that would make me even more angry as it sounds like your DP has been very fair. Do they have a reasonable relationship such that they could go through all these issues? Whichever way you look at it there is going to be major fallout - if your partner lies it will affect his relationship with you and if he tells the truth it MAY affect his relationship with his DD. Assuming she is at least 14 by now could he not talk to her about the situation?

I can offer no advice but really sympathise with you.

coppertop Fri 08-Apr-05 09:28:06

He has to tell the truth. Why should you and dp have to pay thousands of pounds that you don't even owe just because BM has kept quiet about her income?

mancmum Fri 08-Apr-05 09:28:42

I think you have to be honest... you are basically supporting benefit fraud if you do not -- you have done nothing wrong and so it is just not accpetable that you have to repay a thief the money....

the threat of relationship with DD is just a ruse that BM is putting up to prevent her facing up to her wrong doing... put her on the spot about it...

Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 09:30:19

Oh Beansprout. I know this is most probably not helping you as you feel the same I am just so angry on your behalf

Twiglett Fri 08-Apr-05 09:31:55

Does he have proof of what he's given her? bank statements / cheques whatever?

if he doesn't then he wouldn't be able to prove it anyway

I think he's in a bloody awful position tbh, but he definitely should tell the truth. His child is old enough now to decide her own access terms and they already have a strong bond and he has a responsibility to his new family

WideWebWitch Fri 08-Apr-05 09:32:03

I don't think benefits take maintenance into account do they? So she hasn't done anything wrong. And £200pm sounds low to me, why would you begrudge her this? But all he has to do is tell the CSA he's been paying her and that's the end of that, I don't think it'll affect her benefits. So there is no issue. Presumably he can prove it? And if it doesn't affect her benefits there's no need for her to lie about it.

beansprout Fri 08-Apr-05 09:34:39

dd is now 17 and basically feels that dp "owes" her and her mum. They both believe that dp has never given them enough anyway.

Thanks for your posts. I'm just not sure how I move forward. I feel that dp is just acting out of fear (for his relationship with dd) with no regard for us. It's very, very hard. We are supposed to be getting married later this year but that is very much on hold now pending the outcome of the hearing!!

cupcakes Fri 08-Apr-05 09:35:56

So how did the CSA 'catch up' with them? Did she inform them of the situation? If so then she really has caused all this and she needs to suffer the consequences, ie with a judge insisting on maintaining your dp's visiting rights.
Seems really c**p

beansprout Fri 08-Apr-05 09:36:54

Er, I don't begrudge her maintenance - why on earth would I do that?! I wouldn't want to be with a man who wouldn't pay. It's BM's declaration that he has never paid a penny for his dd's upkeep that I don't like.

WideWebWitch Fri 08-Apr-05 09:39:32

Beansprout, I wouldn't like that either, I agree but if I'm right it doesn't affect her benefits and all your dp has to do is tell the truth.

morningpaper Fri 08-Apr-05 09:39:52

Did your DH know she was claiming benefits without declaring his payments?

beansprout Fri 08-Apr-05 09:39:59

No-one reported anything to the CSA. They just have a list of single parents with absent fathers (mothers) and they wrote to him. This was a mutually agreed, long standing arrangement between dp and his xp, but it was all "off the record".

Dp used to pay the money into an account via standing order and his ex simply had a cashpoint card and would access the money that way. It was all in his name, so on paper it doesn't look like he has paid her directly.

coppertop Fri 08-Apr-05 09:42:07

Surely the standing order itself would be some kind of proof?

nutcracker Fri 08-Apr-05 09:42:36

Has he got reciepts for the money he paid her ?? or proof of any sort ???

LGJ Fri 08-Apr-05 09:43:15

Well then, surely he has proof, that they had a private arrangement that predates the CSA.

HappyDaddy Fri 08-Apr-05 09:43:22

I had the same from my ex. He needs to tell the court where he paid the money and how she withdrew it. That will prove he's been paying. She'll mess him about over dd anyway, over something else cos she sounds as childish as my ex.

nutcracker Fri 08-Apr-05 09:46:45

Sorry x posted.

My dp paid his ex £200 a month from the minute they split and she was working at first so the csa didn't get involved but when she stopped working they did and dp had no proof that he had paid her so the csa said that he had never paid her a penny.

HappyDaddy Fri 08-Apr-05 09:47:29

And if he doesn't tell them the CSA will nail him and make him pay back all the arrears they say he hasn't paid.

Aimsmum Fri 08-Apr-05 09:48:23

Message withdrawn

anorak Fri 08-Apr-05 09:50:13

Beansprout, it is lovely of your dh to want to keep his ex out of trouble this way, but it is far beyond the call of duty, as she evidently doesn't care if he gets into trouble.

And the worst thing about it is that you will end up being punished when you haven't done a thing wrong. Can you put it to him that it's a straight choice between his ex being penalised for what she chose to do and you being penalised when you didn't do a thing wrong? Perhaps put like that he would see it more clearly.

His ex chose her actions. She knew it was fraud. He can't be responsible for that. And he certainly can't expect innocent you to be.

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