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am i being silly

(45 Posts)
starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 11:35:43

am just looking for what other people think about this. im 39 wks pg and my dp sister is going away to get married its just her and her partner thats going no other family which is fine as its next weeks they go. when they come home they are having a reception for all their family and friends thats on 7 may. my prob is i will have had the baby by then and plan to b/f. if im late my baby will only be a couple of weeks old and i dont think id be happy about leaving her with any1 and dont want to mix expressing and b/f at this stage. even if she came now she would only be a few weeks so the same would prob apply. the reception is in a quiet pub that has a no smoking section and wouldnt be to loud so i sugested to dp that i went to the meal and maybe stayed for an hour then took baby home while he could stay and enjoy the rest of the night. i was then told that the baby wasnt allowed to come cos it would take the attention away from her and she didnt want that.

am i just being silly or do i have reason to be really offended by this

serenity Thu 07-Apr-05 11:39:08

How old is your sister? She sounds very immature to me! Yes, I would be offended. Was it actually your sister that said this? Is there a chance it could have got a bit twisted before you were told it? I would speak to her directly, just to make sure that is exactly what she meant.

nailpolish Thu 07-Apr-05 11:40:25

i think thats really horrible of her, tbh

your baby would cause no fuss, i would be upset like you

dont let it get you down tho, you are right to not want to leave baby with someone else esp if you are bf, when its all over with you will forget that you missed it if you decide not to go


starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 11:40:47

its my partners sister and it was him that said it but he seems to think shes right enough

nailpolish Thu 07-Apr-05 11:41:41

do you know what? i just wouldnt go

what does you dp think?

starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 11:44:44

he doesnt see why i cant leave the baby with my mum he says its just 1 night and its not gonna make much differance if baby gets a bottle for 1 night

nailpolish Thu 07-Apr-05 11:46:43

you would then have to go to all the bother of taking a breast pump, as you would get uncomfortable. you would miss baby and baby would miss you

(my opinion)

i attended my BIL's wedding when dd1 was a few weeks old - we took dd with us, i didnt stay long, hardly anyone noticed dd1, she just slept and fed!

Listmaker Thu 07-Apr-05 11:55:46

There's no way I would have left mine at that stage even though my Mum is birlliant. She is being totally unreasonable to expect it. As the others have said a small baby would hardly be noticed. I'd either just take her anyway and sod them or not go at all.

Caligula Thu 07-Apr-05 11:58:31

Your DP is extremely ignorant of BF if he thinks it would make no difference.

I think they're both extremely ignorant of what it is to be a mother of a tiny baby as well.

She's a Bridezilla from hell and I wouldn't go to her stupid wedding.

GRRRRR. (I'm in a ranty bad mood this morning btw!)

HappyDaddy Thu 07-Apr-05 11:58:49

Does she have kids? I suspect not. No mum would want to leave a baby of a couple of weeks old so they can go out for the night. Tell her either you bring the baby or you don't go at all. Personally I think your dp should stay with you, too.

starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 12:15:21

i wouldnt ask him to stay its his only sister and i feel he should go but i also feel i am now part of the family and so is the baby so we should be there 2. the baby being there is not gonna take away the fact that its her reception

nailpolish Thu 07-Apr-05 12:19:01

are there other children going?

i find it ridiculous she feels threatened by a baby who she thinks will steal her limelight. she needs to get a grip.

would you be too upset if you didnt go?

Dahlia Thu 07-Apr-05 12:32:00

I agree with everyone else. No mother would want to leave her 2 week old baby. Totally out of the question. How close are you normally to this girl? Can you maybe send her a little acceptance note for your dp (if he decides to go on his own) and explain that you can't possibly leave such a young baby with anyone else, nor would you want to, so sorry and all that but you can't come. Maybe add what a shame it is as you would have loved to come, and would it really be that much of a problem to her to have a tiny little baby tucked away in the corner with its mum?

nailpolish Thu 07-Apr-05 12:33:23

what a nice post dahlia, well said

starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 12:40:32

she has only just started talking to me really ive been with dp for over a year and i still dont think she likes me much

victoriapeckham Thu 07-Apr-05 12:43:23

She must win Bridezilla of year award. How insecure thinking a tiny baby will take attention from her.

But maybe she s just not thinking straight due to wedding stress.

How well do you get on with her? Can't you simply talk to her directly and just explain how you'd love to be there to honour her day, you ll keep the baby in the background, explain (cos she s obviously totally ignorant about babies etc) that a 2 week old baby can t be left. That if there s a problem you ll just leave after a few hours.

koalabear Thu 07-Apr-05 12:44:29

firstly, i would actually ask her - meanings can get unintentially twisted when relayed through others

secondly, if she really does feel that way, i would agree with dahlia's post - very gracious

thirdly, there is NO WAY ON THIS EARTH I would have left my son at that age - it's a very personal choice, but IMO, you are not in any way being selfish or unreasonable

and lastly, I thought having a marriage celebration was about having people around you who care about who helping you to celebrate your choice to spend your life with someone - i had no idea it was about GETTING ATTENTION

then again, maybe it is the act of becoming a mother that made me realise that it is actually someone else who is important

good luck

BadgerBadger Thu 07-Apr-05 12:48:41

Starshaker, she's being ridiculous! I breastfed mine and TBH, wouldn't have gone to a gathering of any kind, with or without them when they were that small.

I would have thought your suggestion of going for an hour with baby was perfect.

If someone said or did this to me and my LO's, I'd be furious and definitely wouldn't go! (I mean, if they gave that particular reason.)

eldestgirl Thu 07-Apr-05 12:50:55

If your baby really isn't welcome, then don't go. You'll find yourself sitting there with bursting boobs, or expressing with a handpump in a pub loo (yuck), not drinking whilst everyone else gets legless, thinking about your baby all the time and feeling blue. A 2 week old baby is probably going to be pretty unhappy at being left without mum for that length of time, so it's not fair on the carer either. If your baby is totally bf, there's a good chance he won't even take a bottle.
Try not to be offended (though I am offended on your behalf) because people who haven't had a baby really don't have a clue. In your new life with your baby, the first few weeks is a very close bonding time. The reception is just another party in a pub.

Bozza Thu 07-Apr-05 12:51:48


You obviously don't want to, so don't be bullied into it. Think your SIL is being v. precious about this. But the choice is either both of you or neither of you.

Also think your DP is being pretty unsupportive. Is this your first? Just wondered because he might change his mind when he is confronted by that tiny, helpless being that relies so totally on its mummy and daddy.

Bozza Thu 07-Apr-05 12:55:07

Personally I would have been happy to go along for however long I felt comfortable with, with either of mine as you originally suggested. But wouldn't have left either of them with my Mum at that age.

starshaker Thu 07-Apr-05 12:55:16

yeah i know ur right and i prob wouldnt enjoy it as i know im gonna be 1 of these people who hate to leave my baby it would have been nice if it was my choice. have decided not to go even if she personally invites me and baby. i still think i will have to be the driver but im gonna try and knock that on the head. will prob tell dp that ill just go down to my mums or aver to a mates and he can have a nice time with his family

Kayleigh Thu 07-Apr-05 12:58:58

starshaker, you just make sure that whenever anyone says "see you at the wedding" from now till the day you say "oh no, i won't be going as my baby's not being invited"

serenity Thu 07-Apr-05 12:59:14

Had to come back to this, as I'm still feeling outraged on your behalf.

Firstly, to be fair to your DP I don't think men quite realise what having a baby entails until it actually arrives. He will probably 'get it' more when your Dbaby actually arrives (I'm presuming it's your first?) It would have been nice though if he'd just been on your side from the start.

Secondly, it's not always that easy to get a bfed baby to take a bottle. It took a few attempts with my DSs before they would happily accept a bottle feed and DD refused point blank, and that was after having the experiences with DSs!

I'd not go, but I'd make it very clear that it is SILs unreasonableness that is stopping you going. If you are feeling very vindictive, and the pub is close to your mums, maybe you can pop over there for 1/2 hour after a feed, armed with loads of baby photos 'just to wish her luck'. Hopefully there will be enough people cooing over the pictures and not her, to really wind her up!

monkeychops Thu 07-Apr-05 14:11:34

She has known about your pregnancy for 39 weeks, so i think she is being deliberately inconsiderate. Even with a NO SMOKING section you wouldn't necessarily want to take a tiny newborn into a pub. I bet there is a smoking section so fumes will eventually come your way. Lots of pissed people cooing over baby not good either. Don't go. She sounds v. jealous of you? Just a thought. Yours and baby's absence will i am sure be mentioned in the speeches so there is no getting away from some attention...
I am furious for you.

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