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Complain letter of the year (warning some may find slightly offensive)

(24 Posts)
Gwenick Wed 16-Mar-05 17:20:41

DH has just sent me this from work

"Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter
of the year...have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived...
six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm
-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my
telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line,
and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly don't care,
it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print
than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawfulcustomer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
moredisinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
totheir customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn'tanyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discoveredto my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
uselessshower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose
two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an
expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless
company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would
feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


beansprout Wed 16-Mar-05 17:22:11

Yep, that basically sums up my experience of NTL!!!!

FrenchGirl Wed 16-Mar-05 17:34:52

brilliant, have sent it to dh who enjoys a good moan at companies and is quite good at it!

piffle Wed 16-Mar-05 17:44:28

that is fabulous Gwenick!
As a former and NEVER AGAIN customer of NTL I find that deeply applicable - I am ashamed that such acerbic and witty complaints eldued me and I went for the simple, your company is f*ing useless and I will tell everyone I meet... And when the nice NTL man in his sales caravan in Lincoln accosted me recently with offers of broadband and phone and tv, I regaled him with a (sometimes deeply impolite) very long list of reasons why I would not be able to accept his kind offer...

Gwenick Wed 16-Mar-05 17:45:51

have to confess though....................... - we're on NTL broadband !!! but ditched the phone ages ago and went back to BT

Cod Wed 16-Mar-05 17:47:48

Message withdrawn

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Wed 16-Mar-05 17:48:50

Now Gwenick, correct me if I'm wrong, the writer of the letter is just a little ticked off isn't he? lol

nutcracker Wed 16-Mar-05 17:48:58

That is brilliant, have sent into my dad, who loves nothing more than complaining.

Gwenick Wed 16-Mar-05 17:52:06

I'm sure DH will be very pleased he's made a bunch of lazy mum's JOKE - who should REALLY be cooking the dinner - smile

Sorrel Wed 16-Mar-05 17:53:46

as a fully paid up memeber of the GFYSClub, I am planning to steel this and use it as a template in future.

Prufrock Sat 19-Mar-05 08:03:45

Pretty much sums up my NTL experience as well. Thank God we are moving soon

Jaysmum Sat 19-Mar-05 08:10:41

Never have I giggled so much.Thank you....that has made my day!!!

SeaShells Sat 19-Mar-05 08:20:07

Oh I wish I had the bottle to send a letter like that to some of the companies I've had the misfortune to encounter!

mamadadawahwah Sat 19-Mar-05 23:29:49

If thats a complaint letter, i would really like to see a letter written when you are really furious! Good one.

HUNKERMUNKER Sat 19-Mar-05 23:33:13

Cod, you should get irate about things more often - it helps your typing no end

Gwenick, ace letter - have sent similar myself

JoolsToo Sat 19-Mar-05 23:36:08

thats the best laugh I've had all week - thankyou.

I can confirm BT are bunch of w*nkers - we are now on Wanadoo (no complaints - very efficient)

sallystrawberry Sat 19-Mar-05 23:41:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuffTheMagicDragon Sat 19-Mar-05 23:41:23

We have ntl (not allowed sky due to being a conservation area ).

Read letter to dh. He and I sympathise with John muchly.

whatsername Sat 19-Mar-05 23:42:15


nightowl Sat 19-Mar-05 23:52:37

oh wow..i want to send it to telewest.

ghosty Sun 20-Mar-05 01:34:11

That is fantastic ...
It is just the sort of thing my dad would write (with maybe fewer obscenities ..... )
Top letter

Beetroot Sun 20-Mar-05 08:31:35

Message withdrawn

MistressMary Sun 20-Mar-05 08:37:03

Seen it before.

Yes telewest could benefit from a letter like this.

bathmummy Sun 20-Mar-05 08:46:50

very much enjoyed. thanks for that one
Might use it as a template for future reference...

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