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Can I ask a serious question?

(55 Posts)
Smurfgirl Fri 11-Mar-05 00:02:13

I don't know where to put this sorry.

Has anyone ever been sexually assaulted?

I was ages ago and its just been a bit weird recently. Not bad weird. Just weird. None of my friends no so I just felt a bit alone with it kwim?

I know this is very personal, sorry.

HUNKERMUNKER Fri 11-Mar-05 00:03:18

I haven't, hun, but couldn't leave the thread without giving you a big {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}

Sadly I know there are some others on here who will be able to answer yes to this

pinkwhistle Fri 11-Mar-05 06:09:45

Hi smurfgirl

Yes when I was 17...after a party.

It was my first experience of sex (although of course rape is not about sex it is about POWER).

I have told only 2 or 3 people (including dh), and never reported it to the police or anything. My mother does not know either.

What do you mean by "weird"? How long ago was it? Not that it matters I think, it messes with your head for so long. I'm sorry you are going thru this, isn't there any one you feel you can talk to? Well you can talk to me anyway!

Sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

aregular Fri 11-Mar-05 08:14:39

Aw hun how grim for you.

I feel awful even posting it but this has happened to me three times, all completely unrelated and all different. 14, a family friend, 21, a relation, 25, someone at a party after a spiked drink (have no recollection of what happened, just signs of struggle and woke up on the street). Individually, none of the attacks was particularly 'grave' and perhaps some people would say describing them as assaults would be too strong a word for it, but were all extremely distressing and still make me very sad and upset sometimes. I'm sure it is a lot more common than people like to think.

Do you mind if I ask why things have been a bit weird recently?

RegularPoster Fri 11-Mar-05 08:23:24

yes, but I don't like it to define me, hence the name change

also wasn't a serious sexual assault, IYKWIM as in didn't get much out of it, but it was enough to change the way I dressed, acted, reacted at times over the next years

I don't really think about it now (was 18 years ago) and when I do it doesn't feel like it happened to me, but I can also track some of my actions / reactions and natural self-defensive (verbally not physically) over the last 2 decades, and my inability to hold good relationships in the main in my early 20s to those few minutes

Sorry Smurfgirl .. and really sorry I changed my name, but I really don't like being defined by it

I'll check back if you want to 'chat'

aregular Fri 11-Mar-05 08:27:31

> it was enough to change the way I dressed,
> acted, reacted at times over the next years

Totally agree.

Can't believe it's happened to me three times sometimes. Luckily my DH is very supportive and understanding about it, although the last time (spiked drink at party) we were living together and he doesn't like to talk about what happened to me then.

noddyholder Fri 11-Mar-05 08:27:35

I think any assault is serious esp if it causes you to make changes to your own lifestyle It is always wrong IMO

dontliketotalkaboutit Fri 11-Mar-05 08:32:10

hi smurfgirl, i was s/a as a child by member of family.
however like RegularPoster i dont let it be the center of my life (hence namechange).
but i have found you do need to talk to someone, just so that you can get it of your chest and get on with life.
sadly there are more women (and men) out there that have been s/a then you think.

WigWamBam Fri 11-Mar-05 09:39:24

I'm not changing my name, because I refuse to let what happened to me define me.

I wasn't seriously assaulted, but I was regularly touched as a child by my grandfather, as was my little sister, although I didn't find out that it had happened to her as well until much later. It started when I was about 12, and went on until I was about 15 when I was big enough to fight him off, and then it never happened again.

It was hard at first, and it changed the way I felt about myself for a long time, but I refuse to let it be something that affects me now. Have you contacted someone like Rape Crisis ? They might be able to help you work through this.

lou33 Fri 11-Mar-05 11:29:42

i woke up after staying the night at a party and found a naked man lying next to me, making me wank him off, his hands were all over me. I was about 19, and had gone to the party with someone else, but he disappeared and i couldnt find him until the next day. Had a couple of more minor experiences too.

Smurfgirl Fri 11-Mar-05 12:30:45

One of my closest friends was recently raped so she has been relying on me which is fine, I am glad to be there for her but its just made me think a bit more about it. Which I rarely do anyway.

I just. I don't think I want to talk about it. I told two people and thats enough I think. Its just weird sometimes. Like I can imagine being back there or I think about it happening but it doesn't feel like me.

colditzmum Fri 11-Mar-05 13:13:53

I was groped on a bus once, it sounds funny, but actually it really upset me. I was pregnant at the time, but not visably, and I had dozed off.

I still kick myself, I should have screamed or had the driver kick him off, or called the police to be waiting at the busstop. But all I did was slap his hand. He didn't even move seats, just got off at the end of the line. He is probably walking around to this day, convinced he can just reach out and have whatever he likes without fear of recrimination. I am a bit angry with myself for not doing more.

My dp makes me go by train now, and to be honest, I have developed a bit of an aversion to buses.

horseshoe Fri 11-Mar-05 13:27:58

Smurfgirl,

I was approached with a knife when I was 11. I managed to get away from him and the police were called.

I never really felt the need to talk about it. Probably because I couldn't....and still cant in many ways.... put how I felt into words. I couldn't even work out how much it had upset me or if I was just grateful for being alive.

I now realise that it did affect me in a big way. Now that my daughter is born, I have become obsessive about everything. I refused to leave the house on my own for 8 months following her birth until I got help. It's been a long slog and I still cant talk about it properly. I think I didn't want to talk about it because it made me feel so worthless. If I pushed it to the back of my mind I would get over it. It was easier that way.

What do you say anyway?? Do you get angry? cry? I dont like to dwell so I just say nothing.

So I know how you feel when you say you dont really want to talk about it. Same here.

piffle Fri 11-Mar-05 13:33:04

yes as with pink whistle when I was 17 and still a virgin (by choice)
Never told parents, dh knows, no police, revenge was executed by another person without my instigation or knowledge, having said that it helped and felt great.
As it was my loss of virginity I had to get over it and retrain my brain, it did make me promiscuous for a few years as I placed no value on sex at all.
I still do get flashes of panic sometimes in certain situations, for instance I cannot bear the Beastie Boys music or even the name as they were on at the time
But you have to get over it or they win, that's the way I look at it mostly.
Hugs it is tough

Gwenick Fri 11-Mar-05 13:36:34

Yes - but no-one else knows about it - not even DH.

pinotgrigio Fri 11-Mar-05 13:40:37

Hi Smurf. It happened to me too. One day I turned round and found a man in my bedroom. My parents were away (I was 18). He stalked me for a while afterwards too.

It screwed my head up for about 8 years, but I'm fine with it now. It has changed 'me' though, but I don't think anybody would look at me and think I'd ever been assaulted.

I still behave very safety-consciously and don't like to be in a room where I can't escape if I'm sleeping in a house on my own (we used to have a bedroom on the 3rd floor and if DP was away I'd sleep in the living room so I could get out if I needed to). This is subconscious though and not a 'if a man broke in and tried to attack me' thing.

I don't mind my name being known because if it helps someone else then that's good. It doesn't define me as the others have said and I won't discuss it in RL because it's not worth dwelling on any more. In fact, I never think about it, unless I see a blonde man with a beard in which case I hate him immediately.

It must be horrible for you to have to relive the emotions while helping your friend. I'm sorry you're still being affected by it. I wish I could offer some practical help. I hope I've helped a little by sharing.

nutcracker Fri 11-Mar-05 13:43:03

I was groped on a bus once too. I just sat there frozen too the spot, until it got to m y stop, and then i ran like hell.

Never told a sole before.

lou33 Fri 11-Mar-05 14:18:54

also had 2 men try and abduct me from a street, they only didn't because my bf at the time was walking just behind me and saw what was about to happen, and was groped at a bus stop, but i told the bus driver not to let him on, so i managed to get away

nutcracker Fri 11-Mar-05 14:20:13

Gosh Lou. My parents were once rung by a man and told i'd been abducted and he was gonna do xyz to me. I hadn't been though i was still at school completely unablivious.

dropinthe Fri 11-Mar-05 14:29:29

Had a weird Michael Jackson thing going on with one of my mums long term boyfriends-used to "cuddle" me alot and try and french kiss me-was about 11 but had grown up in different communes so "free expression" of love was abundant and I didnt really know any different.
Stay positive/talk to trusted ones/dont bottle it up!!

YetAnotherRegular Fri 11-Mar-05 14:42:35

Not so much asaulted as abused as a child and young adolescent. God - I never though I could say that here and also sorry I can't use my usual name. Most of my friends and family have no idea, but it has come to light again recently as a friend shared with me that she has been through this also! It came as a shock to me and as she was telling me what had gone on, it brought it all back again. Obviously she had no idea about me and was shocked to discover my 'secrets' - I felt I had to tell her as I couldn't really respond to her story without looking somewhat shocked myself iykwim - I couldn't appear normal - must have looked a bit weird tbh!
It is so sad that I know for sure this has probably happened to many more people than you'd imagine.

cat82 Fri 11-Mar-05 14:49:10

Yes- i was raped when i was 15. Like YetAnotherRegular my family don't know and only a handful of freinds know, so it can feel quite lonely.
Having said that, i don't find it affects me too much, i try and just get on with my life. Recently though, i've had dreams about it that have really frightened me, i don't think something like this ever goes away and you're always going to suddenly remember or dream about it, or just panic for no reason.
The RapeCrisis really helped me as well.
{{hugs}}}

mamadadawahwah Fri 11-Mar-05 15:04:03

This isnt about sexual abuse as such, but from the threads and my own personal recollection, I remember being soooo scared to say boo in public. If someone whistled, or a man started talking to me on the bus, I would just clam up and probably, if he had "touched" me I would have remained sitting there frozen to the seat.

The word "no" cant be stressed enough in our kid's vocabulary in terms of unwanted attention from adults, but, even if they do know the word, would they have the confidence to use it? I wouldnt have. I would have worried about bringing attention to myself. Its different now and kids are more aware and probably a lot more self confident than I was, or my friends were in the 70's.

I hope anyway.

Janh Fri 11-Mar-05 15:04:50

I'd be really interested to know if anybody on here has never had any form of unwanted dodgy attention from a male. I've never suffered serious sexual assault, but have been snogged by grandfather (with false teeth out, double yeuchh), flashed at, groped (awake and asleep), and grabbed at by passing cyclist in country lane on way to school.

tatt Fri 11-Mar-05 15:48:06

not seriously assaulted but flashed at when a young child (they stopped doing it when my friend fell about laughing), as a teenager someone insisted on paying my bus fair and tried to get me to get off and go over the park, was seriously worried by one boyfriend, who fortunately didn't know we were alone in the house and left when I threatened to call the police. And I've had my bottom pinched in John Lewis - was so shocked that I didn't tread on their foot, my normal response to the men on the tube who get too cosy. I suspect every femal gets some unwelcome attention but there's a big difference between that and a serious assault.

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