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I am having a nighmare with my compulsive liar friend

(83 Posts)
Keane Thu 10-Mar-05 14:57:12

Its really getting out of control

I have known her for years, from school. Even then she would lie. Her Dad had an affair when she was about 11 and her Mum walked out and never spoke to them again. I know it hit her hard, that is why I try to understand her.

I have broken off the friendship before. Main reason was that she told me her Mum had died, then a few months after she must have forgot all this and told me she had seen her Mum and she had totally ignored her. She also told me her Dad had Aids. Which I later found out was a lie This was on top of lots of other "lies", which she told me and everyone else who was friends with her.

Anyway a few years ago I bumped into her again. She gave me yet another sob story and I let her "back in" so to speak. She "seemed" to be having a really bad time and I tried to be there for her. After about a year, i started to doubt what she was telling me and tried to cool it a bit. But just lately she has got into financial trouble. I am too soft, I know I am, but I lent her money. Recently she borrowed, I say "borrowed" but she doesnt actually repay me, 350 pound. Money that we needed, as she was in a right pickle again. I have just found out of a friend of a friend that she has booked a holiday abroad this year, a villa with pool in Italy for her, her partner and 3 kids.

I feel sick. We havent had a holiday for 3 years! I feel like I have been taken for mug. I cant help worrying that she has some kind of mental illness, although she had counselling before. Thats why I am worrying about her. or is she just taking me for the sucker I am?

Pinotmum Thu 10-Mar-05 15:00:46

Well, firstly I'd ask her for the money back and then keep my distance from her in the future. If she gives you a sob story about not being able to afford to repay you then agree to a small sum every week. Tell her you are in financial straits aswell.

TheVillageIdiot Thu 10-Mar-05 15:08:59

Sorry to be hars but why are you calling her a 'friend'?? you're no friend of hers. She's taking you for a mug - tough life or not, you don't 'borrow' money off a friend then take a nie relaxing holiday in an exclusive villa!

Tell her you want the moeny back and then tell her to p*ss off out of your life for good. Perhaps she does have problems but they're her problems not yours and until she sorts herself out I wouldn't give her anything else (financially or emotionally)

sorry

bundle Thu 10-Mar-05 15:10:05

get the money back & dump her, you're worth a thousand of her.

Bramshott Thu 10-Mar-05 15:13:53

I had a flatmate like that once - kept telling me all sorts of things, which you start out by believing, but in the end I couldn't believe anything she said, which was sad, as some of it may have been true.

In the end, I simply ended the friendship, which was easy as I was moving anyway. Compulsive lying probably is a mental illness / cry for help, but I would say almost impossible to help without professional intervention.

Sorry if this sounds harsh!

tassis Thu 10-Mar-05 15:15:15

You clearly are a lovely person, Keane!

Kayleigh Thu 10-Mar-05 15:15:18

Sorry Keane but it really does sound like she is using you. You need to firmly ask for your money back.

Keane Thu 10-Mar-05 15:45:44

I have asked her previously for the money back. There is always another crisis and she is always so depressed

i dont know what to do

She appears fine to most other people, just makes a mug of me and a few of my friends, although they havent really mentioned it. I know they are 'lending' her money though

I really dont know how to help her properly
should I really just cut my losses?

lou33 Thu 10-Mar-05 15:48:22

using you, taking advantage of your good nature, get harsh with her and demand the money back, then boot her out of your life.

fairyfly Thu 10-Mar-05 15:51:13

I know somebody like this and no matter what you do nothing will ever be good enough. Basically you just end up being bled dry. I would call it a day. She needs to start taking responsibility for her own actions and stop attention seeking like a child. Hopefully she will realise you want to be her friend not because of trauma.

bundle Thu 10-Mar-05 15:52:27

i would ask her again and then when she makes up excuses, offer her a payment plan of say £20 a week and make sure she sets up a standing order, so you don't have to beg. please don't let her off, i couldn't bear it

Pinotmum Thu 10-Mar-05 15:54:13

If she asks for more money say no to her and tell her she needs some professional financial help to stop her getting into more debt and help her manage her money. She can't expect people to keep bailing her out indefinitely and then book a holiday without repaying her debts first.

Marina Thu 10-Mar-05 15:58:27

You are NOT a mug, just a kind and loyal friend who happens to have been taken advantage of by a smart operator.
OK, you don't know for a fact that holiday is booked. But I really don't see why she should get away with it either Keane, you are way too nice to be treated this way. And holiday schmoliday, how many balls of wool could £350 buy?
Please stick the witch on a payment plan, for us. Her initials aren't DS are they? I had a "friend" like this whose relatives were always "dying" in bizarre train accidents etc, but lost touch with her years ago thank goodness.

bundle Thu 10-Mar-05 15:59:35

£350 worth of wool {eyes light up emoticon}

fairyfly Thu 10-Mar-05 16:01:16

I had a "friend" who told me she had been raped, when she hadn't, some real sickos out there

bundle Thu 10-Mar-05 16:02:52

i had an ex-boyfriend who told he had to have dialysis for kidney problems...caught him out when his car was left outside his "ex" girlfriend's house...i left a note attached to his windscreen wipers...hehe

Marina Thu 10-Mar-05 16:03:58

And what did it say bundle (or is that too for public consumption)? What a weasel.

bundle Thu 10-Mar-05 16:05:54

Marina, I'd actually been at his house all day on my own, helping to redecorate (I know, the shame ) and it was something along the lines of being taken for a ride....
she would have seen it though and it was twisted and only slightly cryptic so would have got at least an inkling that the little shit was cheating on both of us!

Marina Thu 10-Mar-05 16:09:48

Oh, the piece of work. I'd have been tempted to leave a little potato wedged in his exhaust pipe as well. Still, I guess you would not have met dh otherwise?

fastasleep Thu 10-Mar-05 16:10:41

I know how much it hurts to discover that someone close to you is a compulsive liar or makes ridiculous stories up... whilst I definately agree with avoiding giving your friend money and I definately think you should take anything she has to say with a pinch of salt.... but don't be too hard on her, people who do this aren't always 'sickos' and I think it's unfair to call them that, they often have very legitimate reasons for needing attention, something may have happened to them that's really really scarred them, it doesn't need to be huge but they might think that they have to exaggerate it to get the support they need.... or they could have a real disorder that they honestly can't help... don't be too quick to jump to conclusions about everyone like this, it's just another form of depression in some cases......obviously the bit on the side and the money thing is taking the biscuit a bit but I hope you see what I mean!

hunkermunker Thu 10-Mar-05 16:22:37

Can you get the rest of your friends who she's borrowed money from together to confront her? At the very least, you'll make it obvious to her that you and they can no longer be seen as wallet extensions for her

Hope it works out, Keane - you sound lovely and she sounds like a manipulative cow.

Cod Thu 10-Mar-05 16:29:08

Message withdrawn

HardcoreEnid Thu 10-Mar-05 16:38:03

Keane, what a horrible situation. Like you I am a bit of a softy (believe it or not ) - would tell others to boot her out, but in reality would probably just write the money off () and never, never contact her again, try and avoid her totally even if it seems harsh.

She does sound like she has a mental illness - to lie like that about her mum and dad is beyond the pale IMO. You need to cut her out of your life, money or no money.

Preggars Thu 10-Mar-05 16:44:03

I am afraid to say she is taking you for a ride. I had a 'friend' like this at Uni. She was shy and I felt bad for her and I introduced her to all the people I had just met. I looked after her, used to pay for things all the time as she didn't have a lot of money and generally was a good friend. I found out she's been making up all sorts of cr*p about me. About me borrowing money all the time. About her introducing me to all her friends. Weird stuff.

I'd say, get your money back then steer clear. The older we get we don't need this kind of chaos in our lives.

logic Thu 10-Mar-05 16:50:46

Keane, I would stop the friendship completely. You are not a mug, just a nice person
I do know exactly what you mean though - I have a relative who is a compulsive liar. I'm sure that it is an illness of some sort but I am sick of pretending to go along with the lies too. It's not your problem!

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