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My heart is breacking.............................................................

(25 Posts)
soulsearching Wed 09-Mar-05 16:39:37

Hi my heart is breaking and I cant show or tell any one, my mum had cancer October 2003 and had it removed and had treatment within 4 months job done and I thanked god even through I don't get on with my mum I was so very glad that she was alright.
Then 23rd Decembers 2004 we were told my dad had got cancer of the bowl, in Jan we were told it was really really bad and told then that he also had liver and lung cancer too last month we were told that he has 2-3 months left.
I have two little boys that I have to take care of, one in school one not, I go down there every Friday any more and I wood just break into peaces. My mum is always telling me that he is in so much pain that he's always crying and I've never seen my dad cry I am a daddy's little girl,
I cant pick up the phone and I cant see him that much, everyone is always asking me to go down there as much as possible. I feel like I'm watching the telly like it's not me it's happening to butt some one else, When I'm at home I switch off from it. (what doesn't help is that every time one of us is ill I cant go and see my dad as he might end up with the illness and that could kill him, even if it's a cold).
on Saturday I went to see my dad and my Gran went up stairs to see were they were she came down and told me my mum will be down as soon as my dad stops crying, I wanted to go home so much then my mum came down and I told her I'll go home and try and come back tomorrow, my mum, Gran and hubby told me to go and say hi, I couldn't, all the way up the stair I started crying I stud out side the bedroom trying to stop my self from crying, I went in sat on the bed the my dad turn to me and started crying in pain, I held him in my arms rocking him until he fell asleep, I told him I loved him and that I would have his pain in a heart beat.
I want so much to be strong for my Mum, my 8 bothers and my sister, plus I have two little boys that don't need to so me going to bits, no one knows that I cried and no one know that I sat rocking my dad to sleep as he was crying in pain, I don't want no one to see me cry, the amount of times I tell my family not to cry in front of my dad, my saying is "don't cry, save your tears for when he's gone, as dad wouldn't want to see he's upsetting anyone, plus if he gets over this or tears would have been wasted!"
That was the first time I cried about it since I was told my dad had cancer, I told my hubby that I cant cry in front of anyone I feel as if I would be letting every one down including my self.
I cant cope with this and I need to before I lose my dad forever!

PsychoFlame Wed 09-Mar-05 16:43:09

Its truly truly sad, but holding in the tears won't help either - it will eat you up inside and you will have more trouble coping than if you were to let them out more.

I can't give any advice, but please believe that I am sending all the virtual hugs I can.


ponygirl Wed 09-Mar-05 16:44:53

My heart goes out to you, soulsearching. Psychoflame's right: let it out. And please see your Dad as much as he can. He needs to see you and you need to see him. Many hugs.

anorak Wed 09-Mar-05 16:46:39

Perhaps it might be a good idea to go and see your GP? He/she might be able to suggest some kind of counselling to help you manage your grief.

So sorry, it sounds like a nightmare. xxx

amynnixmum Wed 09-Mar-05 16:46:46

So sorry you are going through this {{{hugs}}}
I appreciate you don't want to cry in front of your dad but why not with DH? You don't have to be strong all the time - you need someone to support you and rock you in their arms until you fall asleep. There's no shame in showing your feelings.

Donbean Wed 09-Mar-05 16:53:17

Can i just add that you are perfectly entitled to your own grief therefore you are perfectly entitled to have a bloody good cry too.
A totally crappy shitty thing is happening to you and maybe its ok to show that you are also in unbearable pain seeing some one that means the world to you like this.
Go ahead and cry, even if its behind closed doors in private. I very much doubt that you are seen as letting people down by crying.

ks Wed 09-Mar-05 16:57:47

Message withdrawn

cat82 Wed 09-Mar-05 16:58:03

Oh god, i'm so sorry Soulsearching. Hugs to you


3mummy Wed 09-Mar-05 17:01:16

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If I had a solution to ease your pain I would gladly offer it, I had to talk to you because your situation is similar to mine some years ago, and I know it can help sometimes to know others have been there too.

My Mum died 9yrs ago from secondary cancers - originally breast cancer. I was 19 and helped the district nurses care for her until she went into the hospice the day before she died. She too was in terrible pain, in fact it hurt her for me to hug or touch her. I know you are trying to be strong for your family but it's no bad thing for your Dad to see you are upset, he is still a person, he will understand how you feel - he loves you too. Talk to him as you would if he were not ill, tell him you're going to miss him and how much you love him - he is probably craving some normality and straight talking. My Mum got so fed up with all the "pleasantries" that she told us all off for tip toeing around her!

You are doing really well, don't be so hard on yourself. It is a really difficult time, but you need to be honest, if you don't you'll be left with a lifetime of "what ifs". I will always regret not being more open with my Mum in her last days, we were always so close and yet when I had the oportunity to say all the things I would have liked to before she died, I didn't, for fear of saying the "wrong" thing. I later found out that my brother had a very open and frank conversation with her about dying and how much he'd miss her and how he felt about her just a couple of days before she died and she was grateful to him for it. Of course he now has no regrets.

My only other piece of advice is to start seeing a grief councellor now. I was at college during my Mums illness and my tutor put me in touch with one even before we knew the illness was terminal. This lady helped me realise what was going to happen and helped me deal with it. It really helped!

I'm so sorry if I haven't helped, looking back I seem to waffle a lot. But I have been there and I feel for you.


sacha3taylor Wed 09-Mar-05 17:01:29

I don't really have anything helpful to say, but am thinking of you and your family.

soulsearching Wed 09-Mar-05 17:10:18

Hi he's on morfen (sorry i dont know how you sell it), he dosen't like taking it as it makes him go funny and feels out of control, his words but when it gets bad my mum makes him take it.
Doctors want him in hospital but he will not go, he say's that he will not come back out and he wants so much to spend as much time as posible with the children.
You see he's not only leaving me and my mum hes leaving a 2 year old little girl and 8 boys aged 7-19, and there not coping well at all!

whymummy Wed 09-Mar-05 17:21:51

soulsearching i'm so,so sad for you,it must be heartbreaking to see your dad like this, don't bottle it all inside,you're allowed to cry, it will probably help.

ks Wed 09-Mar-05 18:49:19

Message withdrawn

bibiboo Wed 09-Mar-05 23:49:42

soulsearching, i don't know what to say except to send you hugs and to tell you that by crying and releasing at least some of your emotion, you may feel better and have that little bit more to give your family. Or you may just feel a tiny bit better that you've had a good cry. it must be awful for you and I know there is nothing i can say that will ease the pain, but i hope ithelps to know thet we all wish we could ease the pain for you.
you're in my thoughts

Cam Thu 10-Mar-05 00:04:09

soulsearching, I think its so hard for you because you have already started grieving (as you know what is going happen) but also you feel that you have to be strong for everyone else (you are his eldest child, right?). I know what this is like as my younger brother died of cancer, aged 40, leaving behind 3 school age children. The best advice I can give you is to just do whatever feels right at the time, don't be afraid of doing the wrong thing, no-one knows what is right or wrong in these circumstances.

Tiggiwinkle Thu 10-Mar-05 00:13:24

soulsearching-Is your Dad getting any input from a palliative care team? They are experts at sorting out effective pain relief-as someone said earlier, his pain should be better controlled than it seems to be at present.If he is not getting this perhaps you could ask for him to be referred?

soulsearching Thu 10-Mar-05 09:15:54

Thank you all for your hugs, my dad is on maxinum morfen, home use that is, any more they have told him he needs to go into hospital.
He goes to Radiotherapy 5 day a week, every week day between 4-8pm also they have doubled his Chemotherapy they have told him the only reason for this is to try to give him alittle more time, weeks mostly.

Leogaela Thu 10-Mar-05 09:35:06

Soulsearching, I really feel for you. I haven't read what other people have said here so may repeat some of it.

My father died of cancer and it is really difficult to see someone you love suffering so much. There isn't much anyone can say to make you feel better, but you have to cry, cry as much as you need to, when you need to, where you need to. Even if you cry in front of your dad or your children, do it, it will help you deal better with seeing him the next time. Cry and cry, its the best help that you can give yourself and will make you stronger to support your dad when you have released some of the emotion.

As for his pain, perhaps your family should consider him going into a special care unit. My dad did and they had a pain control expert seeing him everyday giving him exactly the right amount of morphine and other pain drugs (so he doesn't go out of control). He was very well cared for and it took a huge pressure off the family. It means you can all concentrate on him emotionally, deal with the situation better.


Donbean Thu 10-Mar-05 12:00:41

Additionally, there are drug combinations that can be give along side the morphine. I dont quite understand what you mean by maximum dose of morphine, people can be on huge doses in the community.
He needs to take it regularly and more besides for the break through pain.
This is because morphine works by accumulating in the system so you need to build it up then take regular doses to maintain or top up.
He will become accustomed to take large doses and will feel more in control.
Can i also say that if he were to go into the hospice for a few days, they can do this with accuracy and over a 24 hour period in order to get the amount just right for him. This is unlikely to be possible at home because the nurses are unable to be there 24 hours a day to assess the effectiveness of the medications.
There is so much support out there available, try to encourage and reassure him that he now needs it.

soulsearching Thu 10-Mar-05 14:23:14

My mum takes care of the drugs my dad has to take, she has too!
My family and I believe if my dad gose into hospital he would just give up, so far he's trying to fight this.
I dont really know about the durgs, just the ones my mum talks about but i'll ask about them tomorrow, if my mum can talk about them, as it gets to her just talking about it all and she dosen't in front of my dad!
Before my dads Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy was doubled he had a nurse that came round, but now that he goes to the hospital 5 days a week for his Radiotherapy he see a nurse there!

Marina Thu 10-Mar-05 14:37:49

And you might benefit from some support and information from this wonderful charity BACUP , Soulsearching, you deserve that too. Being strong for the rest of your family shouldn't put you under intolerable pressure with no-one to fall back on. Sending you hugs, I'm so very sorry about your dad's illness.

tortoiseshell Thu 10-Mar-05 14:39:15

Oh soulsearching I'm so sorry. (((hug)))

throckenholt Thu 10-Mar-05 14:44:48

I think it would be good for you all to be able to cry infront of each other. Presumably your dad knows he is in a bad way. If you are all trying to be breave for each other you are making it harder for everyone. If you can admit you are upset and have a good cry you will probably all feel better and more able to cope with a terrible situation.


soulsearching Thu 10-Mar-05 15:34:47

I'm not 100% close with my family I can never talk to any of them, the only one that I've ever been close too is my dad but my dad is an old fashion kind of dad, who doesn't show or talk about his feeling, so I tend not to.
My hubby keeps saying that he's going to be the one to pull me back together when I fall apart, and I tend to try and be stronger the more he, say's it, in hope that I dont fall apart.
I really didn't want to see my dad in any pain, because now when I think of my dad I just think of him cring in pain.
I have had a few little cried since "mumsnet" it has helped, I just feeling that I'm not coping as much as I really wanted too.

throckenholt Thu 10-Mar-05 19:15:52

you never cope the way you want to because you have no idea what it is going to be like.

Maybe if you and your dad could have some private time together your could both show how sad you are that it has come to this, and then maybe you can get through to the other side and make the most of still being able to talk to each other - say the things you really want to say. And hopefully they will be the memories you have rather than the physical bit.

In time the last bit will fade and the rest of your life together will be what you remember.

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