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is it bad manners to

(135 Posts)
Cod Fri 04-Mar-05 08:30:13

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gothicmama Fri 04-Mar-05 08:31:13

how else are people going to know what to buy , if tehy feel so inclined

Nemo1977 Fri 04-Mar-05 08:32:48

yes i would do that we actualy asked for mone in our invites as we were already living together etc and people were happy to do that as they knew we then had what we wanted

Miaou Fri 04-Mar-05 08:33:10

Yes it is bad manners, it makes the assumption that you will be buying a present! We kept a list at my parents, who the RSVP's went to anyway, and so people rang up and requested a copy. Out of over 100 guests, i think we only got a couple of things we hadn't asked for, and they were really nice anyway.

FairyMum Fri 04-Mar-05 08:33:53

I think so, but lots of people do it. Makes it easy I suppose. Have you had one?

batters Fri 04-Mar-05 08:35:30

I've just received an invite to the evening do of a wedding - dp and I only - with a wedding list enclosed. Is this even worse manners then?!

Nemo1977 Fri 04-Mar-05 08:36:30

i didnt think it was bad manners as people wanted to get us something we did say we didnt need anything but if wanted to get something we would prefer money it was either that or end up with 30 toasters

Pollyanna Fri 04-Mar-05 08:45:14

I don't think it's rude - it gives people an idea what to buy and helps ensure that you don't get lots of toasters. Guests don't have to buy off the list. I'm never offended when I get an ivitation with a list in (although I wasn't too happy with a v expensive list from The Conran Shop). I do think it would be rude to send out a request for money though.

Pollyanna Fri 04-Mar-05 08:46:34

oops sorry Nemo, didn't read your post before posting.

HunkerMunker Fri 04-Mar-05 08:47:46

I don't mind receiving a list card with an invitation, but I do find it a bit squirmy when people write long, grovelling letters to justify 'we want money, not presents' I know why people do this, but it makes me uncomfortable. It also makes me want to buy them a hideous lamp

Nemo1977 Fri 04-Mar-05 08:48:47

lol pollyanna thats ok were all entitled to our opinions
it was just what was right for us and our friends and family who knew us were not offended..maybe it helped as we didnt have tons of people or people who were like distan relatives u see once a year

Beatie Fri 04-Mar-05 08:50:02

I used to think it was rude until i went to a wedding without a gift list and spent countless weekends traipsing around looking for the perfect gift.

We put a list in our invitations but we included loads of cheap items so people had a lot of choice. I hate it when you look at a list and there are only two cheap items and everything else is over £50.

Lots of people bought us gifts that weren't on the list and I really appreciated those. I think it is great if someone is the type of person who knows just what to get someone. Not everyone is like that though.

pipsy1 Fri 04-Mar-05 08:50:41

I think if you are only invited to the evening do then it is very bad manners to include a list. I agree with the list-at-parents idea. People know who to contact if they so wish

snafu Fri 04-Mar-05 08:51:04

No, it's not bad manners. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, and if the list is for things I can order online, so much the better. Minimum effort

snafu Fri 04-Mar-05 08:51:27

Bad manners just for evening do though, yes.

Beatie Fri 04-Mar-05 08:52:46

I don't think there's a lot of difference between a list held at parents or a list held at John Lewis. It's not like the actual list is sent with the invitations... just a note letting you know where the list is held if people want to see it.

Nemo1977 Fri 04-Mar-05 08:53:40

i agree with evening and we didnt put a list in that invite..when people asked i said we had most things and money would be preferred but anything would be fine as we would appreciate it

skerriesmum Fri 04-Mar-05 08:53:44

This used to be considered bad manners but I think it's changing... no way would I have done this for our wedding (8 years ago!) I think it depends on the size of the do, if you're inviting a lot of people you don't know well (your parents' business associates) then a list is handy. But normally woudln't people know to ask your parents what you want? I don't personally like it but it is pretty commonplace.

soapbox Fri 04-Mar-05 08:56:01

I think its incredibly rude to assume someone will buy a present. And at that point they haven't even accepted the invitation.

We waited until people asked what we wanted then directed them to where the list was held.

zubb Fri 04-Mar-05 08:57:14

I thought so when we got married. I did have a wedding list, but waited for people to ask for details - that way family mainly bought of the list, and friends bought presents they thought we'd like. Did end up 4 sets of champagne flutes though, so there is a downside
I do think it's easier to put it in though, and if I get an invitation without one, I'll usually check with the couple to see if they do have one, so I don't think it is considered bad manners now.

snafu Fri 04-Mar-05 08:59:59

Why is it rude to assume someone would buy a present? I would never dream of going to a wedding without buying a gift.

soapbox Fri 04-Mar-05 09:01:34

Just to be clear - its not the list I object to - think they make good sense. Its the sending it out with the invitation rather than waiting to be asked where the list is held that I think is bad manners.

Having said that I'm very old fashioned about things like this - really need to move with the times, I suspect

Beatie Fri 04-Mar-05 09:02:28

Oh God - I'm going to sound really shallow when I say one of my friends did not buy a gift and it pissed me off. She was my best friend at Uni.! I think it's because she lied and told another friend that she'd taken the gift to the wedding and then taken it home again - having forgotten to leave it. I would never have noticed if I hadn't been told that - it's not like I went through the list ticking people off

But I agree, there probably shouldn't be an expectation of a gift when you get married but I just think that is the way things are now.

soapbox Fri 04-Mar-05 09:02:46

Snafu - I know that - neither would I, ot most people I suspect. But it is rude for the recipient to assume that, IMO!

Cod Fri 04-Mar-05 09:11:40

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