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My Mum watches the kids 2 days a week, but has just applyed for F/T Job!!

(65 Posts)
Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 09:47:02

Am I being unreasonable?? She offered to watch dd on a Thursday (ds is in preschool nursery) and dd & ds on a Friday, when I was deciding to come back to work after Mat Leave. This means ds in only in 2 days ( gets a discount coz he's 3.5) and dd is only in 1 day. That was paramount in deciding what hours I had to work. I now work a 4 day week.

My Mum has fallen out with her coleagues (petty argument about a night out) and has had an interview for a job. She didn't even mention that if she took it she wouldn't be able towatch the kids!!! I aksed her yesterday and she said that if she got the job then she would be fulltime.

She didn't even think about the fact that not only can I not afford to put the kids in an extra 2 days (extra £300 a month), but dd is already on a loooooooong waiting list for more days coz the babyroom only takes 5, so I probably will have to give up work!!

As I am the main earner, this will be devastating finacially for us.

All because she has fallen out with a few women for going on a night out without her.
I am so scared and angry but have no idea what I can do. Am I being selfish to expect my Mum to watch them when she said she would? She has never mentioned anything about it being a temporary arrangement.

...also it looks like from what I've heard today, that she will be offered the job and start in 2 weeks time.

mummytosteven Thu 03-Mar-05 09:49:19


no great advice but lots of sympathy. think your mum should defo have consulted with you first about impact of her not being able to look after the kids anymore.

have you checked out whether you would be entitled to any tax credits towads childcare if you do need to up your childcare?

noddyholder Thu 03-Mar-05 09:51:03

OMG!She should have let you know in advance can you ask her now how long you've got to find someone?What does she expect you to do.If I was you I would seek an alternative anyway as she could do this again (if she doesn't get this job) in the future.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 09:58:26

M2S - I'm waiting to hear about tax credits at the moment. I'd still definitely have to give up another day at work though. I've only been back 6 wks and they weren't pleased about my 4 day week. So to now ask for another day really puts my position at risk.

Best case scenario: I work a 3 day week. Big drop in earnings.

Worst case scenario: I have to give up completely and claim benefit.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:13:38

Don't think I'll be getting her anything for Mothers Day!

Marina Thu 03-Mar-05 10:17:31

Oh Toothache, no advice but huge sympathies. She has been very unfair to you I think - and doesn't sound very mature in her approach for a grandma .
If you are the main breadwinner, is there any chance dh could cut his hours or work flexi-time? The new rules apply to dads too...what is his work situation at the mo?

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:22:06

Marina - DH is on a trainee management scheme. So the good news is once he's finished it his wages come up to almost the same as mine. But he won't get the full management rate until September. It's a good opportunity for us, I wouldn't want to jeapordise that.

Marina Thu 03-Mar-05 10:23:25

So although the situation is grim right have better prospects ahead financially. Crumbs, she might have waited!

jampots Thu 03-Mar-05 10:29:44

Agree she should have consulted you before applying for a f/t job although maybe she needs to work more hours to keep the same income. As you've said she agreed when you were deciding to return to work, does she realise you have to work? Maybe she thought as you were making a decision it wasnt so important - I know Im grabbing at straws here but just trying to see it from both sides

PS: Also do get her a Mothers Day pressie - she's still your mum and even though you're pissed with her right now, she has been helping. My mums dead I cant get her anything

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:31:04

Basically, that's the situation. Our childcare could jump from £280 per month to £700 per month as from NEXT MONTH! Part time I only earn £1100 per month after tax, so with travelling expenses it really isn't worth my while working. We had our eye on a bigger house too as we only have 2 bedrooms just now. All that is scunnered.

At the moment, until September we definitely couldn't manage on DH salary alone. And we are concentrating on paying off a cc bill which accumulated whilst I was on Mat Leave. So I really don't know what I can do. It's not just inconvenient, it's leaving us in a dire situation.

Evesmama Thu 03-Mar-05 10:32:35

very for you, both mil and mother let us down, but before i got chance to go back, so am very bitter towards them.
i think your mother is being rather selfish as she already has a responsability to you and your children and should have taken you inot consideration when looking for a new job

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:33:52

Jampots - sorry about your Mum.

My Mum knows I'm the main earner. And knows I have to work. She also knows about our financial situation and knew how much we relied upon her. I don't class it as helping me if, 6 wks into the arrangement, she decides to leave us up sh*t creek.

She isn't getting a new job for finances. My Dad earns enough for Mum not to have to work. She works for the social aspect of it. She has fallen out with her colleagues and is leaving in a tantrum. This new job is just a hobby for her.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:35:19

The more I look at the reality of it..... the scarier this gets. We really thought we were finally getting on our feet with DH's trainee management course.

moondog Thu 03-Mar-05 10:36:24

Although I don't think that anyone should assume that their mother will look after their kids, if this was an arrangement that you had set up and worked out together, then it does seem extremely unfair of her to back out like this!

Doesn't she realize how difficult it is going to make life for you!!

jampots Thu 03-Mar-05 10:40:55

toothache - in that case sorry she's behaving like this. Can you speak to her and your dad about it? Agree if it puts you in a financial hole and it was the reason you returned to work then she should be more committed. Is it possible she doesnt enjoy looking after them as a committment and is using this as an excuse? Or does she like to call the shots?

My sister wanted to have my children at hers every other Saturday evening for videos/games/tea etc and made arrangemnets with me for this, until she realised that dh and I were going out whilst they were at her house and then it stopped!

batters Thu 03-Mar-05 10:41:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:41:54

Moondog - Yes she does, which is why she buried her head in the sand and wasn't even going to tell me! and

Bozza Thu 03-Mar-05 10:42:49

Well Toothache I think that while you can't expect her to look after your kids for nothing, if she has agreed to do so and then back out she is letting you down. But if I was you I would do my best to keep working and hold out until September - maybe using some of your/DHs holidays (and I realise that is not ideal) to cover the shortfall because come September you will be in so much of a better position.

jampots Thu 03-Mar-05 10:44:53

what about MIL? There's nothing like a bit of parental rivalry

Xena Thu 03-Mar-05 10:44:57

Toothache sorry your mother is being a pain I know the feeling, although my mum would never have agreed in the first place its hard when you been let done after you have already started. Have you tried the childminder option IME they only charge for the hours they mind for so can be cheaper. I also give discounts for siblings so that might reduce costs as well. I take my mindees to nurserys or playgroups and collect them at the end so your older child could still go and mix with other children their age.

moondog Thu 03-Mar-05 10:46:00

Does your mum play these sort of games with you often Toothache? Sorry if I'm being nosey...

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:47:02

Oh my Mum knew everything. She is very menapausal at the moment and is pretty unbearable. She will see this as me trying to stop her getting a job she likes..... rather than me just being worried about the predicament it leaves us in.

She loves looking after the kids, and will probably think I'm being unfair on her!!!

I just phoned the Nursery about extra spaces, they are getting back to me, but I know we can't afford it anyway.
I have phoned for a list of local Childminders, to see if that will be cheaper. How could she leave us like this.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:51:48

Unfortunately until September if I keep working our bills will still not be covered by what we have left. We were desperately trying to climnb out of the hole left by my Mat leave. It just isn't workable. Also, DH is being put on a placement in April and has no idea where yet.

My work are not flexible. I had alot of hassle before coz I was going on Mat leave. Construction industry isn't very child friendly.

If the kids have to go to Nursery an extra 2 days a week I will need to leave my job.

Toothache Thu 03-Mar-05 10:54:31

Moondog - My Mum constantly buries her head in the sand.... and always plays the martyr! Drives me mental.

DH's parents live 300 miles away so thats not an option...... unless....

.... we relocate!! DH's Mum would love to watch the children fulltime.

tiptop Thu 03-Mar-05 10:58:20

Toothache - Can you contact the council to get a list of registered childminders? I did this and interviewed a few before I went back to work and I found it helpful. Don't know if this would help you at all but thought I'd mention it.

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