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My brother's wedding.....

(50 Posts)
Flossam Wed 23-Feb-05 19:32:59

Is also banning kids. Now I know there was a thread on this recently and I have skimmed through it but my circumstances are slightly different. A) it is my brother b) DS will only be 5 months old. He won't be putting up the budget by having a three course dinner! He is the only baby in the family that will be attending, another baby is staying away due to health reasons (op soon after) They have said he can come to the ceremony but not the evening do. We don't have anyone to babysit (DP's mum lives down there but her birthday the same day so not likely to want to stay in!), as it is about 3 and half hours away in another city. We will have to use public transport.

I'm especially dissapointed as he hasn't even told me himself, instead has told my mum. Also that when they first announced the wedding he told me he expected the three of us there. It seems a very long way to go for a 30 minute service. I feel like not going. But don't want it to look like I am trying to throw my toys out of the pram so to speak. But then, as I said, a long way to go. Or if they do allow us to bring DS, there may be aminosity (sp?) among the others who couldn't bring their children. I'm really upset, just found out tonight and I've been really looking forward to this wedding.

jessicasmummy Wed 23-Feb-05 19:36:16

so sorry that your brother has put you in this situation, my brother is getting married in may and there was no doubt over whether jessica would be there or not. She will be at the ceremony and the sit down meal, but because she will then need to go to bed, my best mate is having her for the evening and overnight for me.... and dad is putting me and dh up in a hotel overnight!
i suggest you call your brother, explain the situation and say that if little one cant be there then neither will you.... bet he changes his tune!

sunchowder Wed 23-Feb-05 19:39:31

Oh sorry Flossom....is there any way you can speak with him directly on this? It seems like something got dropped or changed since you spoke with him and it might be helpful to understand what's happened. You realize you must take care of you and your family's needs--I know it is so very hard as you don't want to cause bad feelings with your family or the guests. Thinking of you, hopefully you will be able to attend and work things out to make everyone happy as much as you want to..

morningpaper Wed 23-Feb-05 19:41:21

Gutted for you!

Flossam Wed 23-Feb-05 19:46:26

Thanks! No, mum explained that this would basically mean that I wouldn't be able to come. He feels it can't be one rule for one and one for another IYSWIM.

Freckle Wed 23-Feb-05 19:55:26

Yes, it can. You're his sister! I'd be tempted to ring him and say that you are a bit confused. Your original discussion was that all 3 of you would be there, but now you're getting a message that he doesn't want ds there in the evening. Point out that you won't have anyone to look after him as the wedding isn't local and he surely can't mean you to miss everything, because you won't be able to go if ds can't go to the evening do. And you would be soooo disappointed if that was the case, but, of course, you must have misunderstood.......

PuffTheMagicDragon Wed 23-Feb-05 19:56:17

Flossam, for you.

Are there any other close family members affected in this way? Could there not be a revision of the rule to include children of v close family only? Not an ideal solution but a possible way round?

Donbean Wed 23-Feb-05 19:56:40

We had the very same thing with my brother. In the end i spoke to him (after much agonising) and explained that there are 100 reasons why we couldnt attend the wedding and that we would have loved to come but that it just wouldnt be fair on any one.
I ended the conversation by telling him that i would go to his next one (this is his second marriage!) and he laughed out loud and was great about it. Phew....

kid Wed 23-Feb-05 20:04:37

Really sorry to hear this. I was invited to a friends wedding recently and 'no kids allowed'. I didn't go and told my friend that it was due to no babysitter.
I understand it is different as its your brother. I think you need to find out what changed and why you can't take your DS now. He will be 5 months old, so will not be running around or anything. Plus, I'm sure you will be looking after him and not expecting the bride and groom to take care of him.
I hope you sort something out with your brother.

toomanypushchairs Wed 23-Feb-05 20:24:33

trying to make this a short post.... My brother did this. We said we wouldn't go (as did my sister) also said we wouldn't be offended if he still didn't want them(we would have been!)In the end he decided family children only(the wedding was a 6hr drive away, we couldn't have left the children, especially as all family were doing)However I ended up on tenderhooks trying to make sure they were well behaved etc... wound up getting upset by a really silly spilt drink incident! Hope you sort this out. Can't really see why you can't take your baby, there were lots of family children my brother had to decide about.

PrettyCandles Wed 23-Feb-05 20:32:46

You're his sister, your ds is his only nephew - of course the rule can be different for you! Perhaps your db doesn't realise that his dn is likely to be fast asleep during the party in any case.

Is the party at a hotel and will you be staying the night there? If so, do they have baby-listening, or could you use a baby-m0nitor?

Tissy Wed 23-Feb-05 20:35:20

just a wee thought...it's unusual for grooms to have much of a say about what goes into a wedding day ( ), so maybe the whole thing is being "driven" by his fiancee. Do you know her well enough to talk it through with her? The fact that he has passed the buck to your mum suggests to me that he is a little embarrassed about the arrangements, but is going along with them for the sake of his intended!

SenoraPostrophe Wed 23-Feb-05 20:38:50

That's really unreasonable on your brother's part.

Don't think there'd be animosity over your db's baby nephew - think you should speak to him. But wait a couple of days until you've calmed down. You never know, there may be a really good reason.

Caligula Wed 23-Feb-05 20:39:18

I think your Mum needs to be a little more emphatic with him that "Flossam can't come to the wedding... Flossam won't be coming to the wedding".

Sometimes, people don't realise that other people really mean things! When he realises you do mean it, he'll probably change his mind.

Getting on public transport with a 5 month old baby is no picnic. (I've done it, it's hell!) To do it for a half hour wedding service really doesn't sound worth while to me.

Moomin Wed 23-Feb-05 20:42:08

i'd have thought that by the time the party comes your ds will be either asleep or won't even be noticed as there will be music/talking etc. i agree with tissy that this sounds like a bit of a Bridezilla type of demand. what about being a bit sneaky and agreeing to it all then bringing him to the do anyway. they probably won't notice by then and may not even care as all the stressful bits of the wedding will be over by then. if you're not as underhand as me, then maybe i'd try reasoning with your future sil.

Flossam Wed 23-Feb-05 20:52:05

Just spoken to mum. My step father (it's his son, but have been around since I was 6!) is going to ring him and try and explain it all to him again tomorrow and then ring me to give the verdict! He will be dead straight, like you said Caligula. He has either changed his mind or was waiting for my mum to tell me, he has emailed me twice since the conversation with my mum occured. I re-read them and he even asked what DS would be wearing! So hopefully I will know by tomorrow night. I won't go if DS can't go. It will be money on transport, possibly hotels and clothes for not much point,really.

PuffTheMagicDragon Wed 23-Feb-05 22:57:43

Let's hope reason prevails Flossam.

I'd have been heartbroken if this happened to me. Both my brother and sister got married last year and having lost our Mum in v tragic circumstances a few years ago, it made us realise how important we all are to each other. If Mum couldn't be there it became doubly important that all her children and grandchildren were able to be part of these special days, without all sorts of barriers in the way IYSWIM.

Let us know how you get on.

WideWebWitch Wed 23-Feb-05 23:07:55

I too hope reason prevails Flossam, sorry this has been so upsetting.

Xena Wed 23-Feb-05 23:16:14

As toomanypushchairs already said our brother said this and then invited just our children. Before the ceremony started he warned my DD (just 1 at the time) to be quite (of course we would have taken her out if she wasn't) so I felt v unwelcome then at the reception another guest was horrid to Toomany's eldest DS. I remarked to my brother in passing what had been said to my nephew at which point my brother decided we were more important to him and told this guy that he had better apologise. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes people don't realise how hurtfull they are being until someone else upsets you.

Sorry if that made no sense

Flossam Thu 24-Feb-05 18:36:25

Well, we won't be going. DF has spoken to him and it does seem like Db's family is the problem and he isn't very happy about it. I'm quite upset really.

Xena Thu 24-Feb-05 18:38:41

Oh Flossam I do understand it must be very upsetting

PuffTheMagicDragon Thu 24-Feb-05 18:47:55

for you Flossam - I still don't quite understand who is at the bottom of it all IYSWIM - does your brother really want you to go and feels he can't influence things or am I reading this all wrong?

LGJ Thu 24-Feb-05 18:49:24

like Db's family is the problem

What does that mean do they have the kids from hell on her side ??

miranda2 Thu 24-Feb-05 18:54:40

I second the suggestion of saying Ok and then turning up anyway!! Presumably she has kids on her side that are a nightmare and she doesn't want there and they can't have a his side family children but not her side rule. Or could you stay at the hotel the reception is in and take a baby monitor?

Cod Thu 24-Feb-05 18:58:49

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