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If you child has hurt another child at school, do you approach parents?

(34 Posts)
breeze Wed 23-Feb-05 08:31:01

Just wandering really, as Ds when he was 4, hurt someone at school with a pair or scissors, it was totally innocent game, but I still seeked the girls mother out and spoke to her about it, had a chat and all was well.

DS is now 5 and started school in September, about 3 weeks ago the teacher called me in to say that this boy L had bitten my son (quite badly) she spoke to the boys parents about it, and nothing was ever said, then yesterday my son came home with 2 massive marks on his face where this same boy had hit him in the face with a skipping rope, it was seen by teachers and it was done or purpose, my sons only crime is that he is very friendly with a boy in his class who had been playing with L so obviously nose put out of joint.

I just wanted to know what other mothers do/expect in similar situations.

janinlondon Wed 23-Feb-05 08:47:16

Not the same I know, but when DD (4) tore another girl's uniform in a game (quite innocent I think) I made her ring the girl's Mum and apologize. To be honest the other Mum was quite taken aback to get the call, but I think it taught DD a good lesson about responsibility. I would always seek out the other parent.

piffle Wed 23-Feb-05 08:55:34

FWIW my son got punched in the face by a boy when he was 8, the boy was excluded but sorry was never said by either the school making the boy do it, or the parents with their son
I was really disgusted and thought that it was no way to teach a child respect and regret and sincerity.
I think it was really nice of you to approach the parents when your son did the scissor incident.
I would always do it to, but I have learned other people do things differently, disappointingly so.

Twiglett Wed 23-Feb-05 08:57:17

yes I would .. no question at all .. I would go out of my way to find the parents and the child and make my child apologise to the other child whilst I apologised to the parents

don't see why someone wouldn't

woodpops Wed 23-Feb-05 09:16:48

I really don't know what I'd do. I had a very similar situation at nursery when ds was 2 and dd was 8 months. A 2 year old little boy bit dd. Really quite a nasty bite she had a full set of lower and upper teeth marks on her arm. Ds saw this little boy bite his sister so ds bit this kid back. Whilst I can't stand biting I felt really quite proud of ds for sticking up for his baby sister. But I didn't let on to him. Our problem is nursery aren't allowed to tell you who's bitten your child or who your child has bitten. But obviously ds was at an age where he could tell me what had happened. Ds was told off and went straight to bed when he got home as punishment for biting. I had a chat with him about how naughty biting is etc. And nearly 2 years on he's never bitten since. The following day I made ds go up to this child and appologise for biting him. My God did his mother rip into me about how my ds had bitten he ds and how her ds didn't even want to come to nursery anymore. There wasn't even a mark on her ds. I ended up saying wait a minute here this only happened because your son bit my baby daughter and I'd be more concerned if my ds was biting babies. My ds only bit this flaming kid because he'd bitten dd. Trouble is this kid is still bullying. Both ds and dd have since been bitten by him on several occasions and last week ds came home with several nasty scratches on his face and eyelid that this kid had done . This kids mum has never appologised for any of these incidents or even for the time when I spoke to her about it. It may be that her son isn't telling her who he's bitten scratched etc as nursery won't tell her who he's done it to. But then he is 3 now. Who knows.

breeze Wed 23-Feb-05 09:30:38

Woodpops that awful. Are the pre-school doing anything about it?.

When I dropped DS off this morning the mother looked at me, turned round to partner and a few seconds later was laughing and then just walked off. like to know what she thought was so funny.

Jimjams Wed 23-Feb-05 09:35:59

I didn't do anything when ds1 was scratching children in nursery because a) there were so many b) I would have burst into tears c) he couldn't appologise and wouldn't have learned anything anyway and d) the nurserymanager said she would deal with any parental "incidents" and e) she said she took time to explain the situation to each parent.

Luckily the scratching only lasted 2 weeks, so I could stop slinking in and out.

When he was at mainstream I did tell them to stop setting up interaction sessions with children when he was going through a pinching (of adults) phase as I was terrified he would pinch a child (partly terrified for selfish reasons as children give interesting reactions - in his eyes- to being pinched and I thought he could end up pinching every child in sight if it happpened once- and I did not trust the school to repond appropriately (for him).

So no I don't do anything. Don't know what I would do if it was ds2/ds3 - would probably talk to him about it and tell him to apologise to whoever he had hurt.

Frizbe Wed 23-Feb-05 09:39:05

Hmm, doesn't sound good breeze, but maybe she wasn't laughing at you, so don't get too riled, just in case facts are not what they seem and it escilates (spelling?)
Personally I would like to get an apology and would expect dd or ss to give an apology if they ever hurt someone especially if it was on purpose.....ss and another of his friends are having a similar problem at their school, with another boy, but I do know that ss's mum and the other boys mother have made a point of speaking with the other boys mother, to hopefully ensure the matter is dealth with (unfortunatley for the other boy, this has been to the extent, that he has been excluded from many birthday parties this year, as he is getting a reputation amongst children and mothers alike) which IMO can't be very nice for him, and could be making matters worse, but as I'm not the one doing the parties, and am only sm I can't stick my beak in!
Hope it sorts out soon.

Frizbe Wed 23-Feb-05 09:39:59

that's meant to read delt!

woodpops Wed 23-Feb-05 09:55:53

Nursery say they're deasling with it. But then last Thursday I was in the nursery toilet with ds as one of these scratches was bleeding say was getting some wet tissue. This other kid was in the toilet with the nursery manager. The flaming kid hit me and then went in my pocket of my jacket and took my inhaler out . It's parents evening on Friday so all of my concerns will be being brought up again!!!!!

triceratops Wed 23-Feb-05 10:09:08

My ds has been having a bit of a stage at the moment. He is 3 and I thought he had stopped fighting a year ago but yesterday at playgroup he managed to scratch the same little boy twice. I saw him scratch the first time and after giving ds time out I went to see the boy with his mother to see if he was alright. The mother told me that my ds was a nasty little boy. I can see why people don't approach the parents if this is the kind of reaction they can expect. After the second scratch I took ds straight home so he understands that his behaviour will not be tolerated. I wish someone could have given the boys mum time out.

woodpops Wed 23-Feb-05 10:17:07

What a bitch. So her kid's an angel??? At least you went over to appologise.

mears Wed 23-Feb-05 10:20:54

Where there are problems between children at school I would advise parents to stay out of it and let the school deal with it.

Seeking out other parents to either aplogise or complain is not in any way helpful. I have seen a number of situations where parents have fallen out never to be civil to each other again and the children have forgotten about the incident in a day!

My DS1 was being bullied by a friend of mine's son (age 15yrs). I was really tempted to speak to her but I knew from the way she spoke about her son that she would never believe he was capable of putting a foot wrong. I spoke to DS's guidance teacher and the whole situation was dealth with very well by the school. 2 years later DS and this boy get on very well as they discovered they had similar tastes in music. Had I spoken to his mum, we would still not be speaking to each other.

oxocube Wed 23-Feb-05 10:24:36

Completely agree with Twiglett on this one. I would ALWAYS make a pont of finding the parents and apologising to them, of having my kids apologise and follow through with some kind of sanction if necessary. TBH, all of the parents in DS1's class do the same and it makes for a happier class and a good relationship between the parents.

Jimjams Wed 23-Feb-05 11:28:14

agreed triceratops. That's another reason why I didn't approach anyone. If they hadn't taken the nursery's explanation on board they certainly wouldn't listen to me..... (and at the time I could have done without a mouthful of absuse). In the same way if II had a problem with my children being on the receiving end I'd always push the school to deal with it, rather than approach the parents (who would either be doing everything they could, or if they weren't then wouldn't care- either way no point).

FairyMum Wed 23-Feb-05 11:30:36

No, I would let the school deal with it. In our nursery they don't tell us which child scratched/bit our child because some parents tend to get over-emotional about it. I think at school age they are old enough to take proper responsibility for their actions though!

LGJ Wed 23-Feb-05 11:53:07

Depends on the severity, at DS playschool we tend to be met at the door and told there was an incident, but it is sorted.

This happpened to me recently, and the above was said. Both parent's reaction was, are they friends again, answer, yes, then we don't want to know. The scratches on his face were quite bad and had I approached the mother for an explanation, or accepted one it would have possibly escalated.

As it transpired both myself and the other mother took the nursery at face value and were right to, the background to the bundle slowly seeped out in both houses over the weekend and it turned out to be six of one and half dozen of another.

WestCountryLass Wed 23-Feb-05 12:54:51

Personally I would take my DS to see the other child and the parent and make them apologise and offer my apologies and tell them what I would be doing about it.

I am sorry your son is suffering, have you suggested to him that him and his new friend include this boy in their games?

iota Wed 23-Feb-05 13:03:29

my ds1(yr1) was punched in the nose by another boy and had a nosebleed all over his sweatshirt - the teacher had a word with me at pickup time and then went over to his mother so obviously gave her the story too.

This boy is often in trouble for being too physical, I'm not sure why, and I thought it best to let the school deal with it. I saw no point in raising it with his mother myself, and I continue to smile and say hello to her. In fact I feel sorry for her, because I would hate for my son to be marked out as 'being naughty' all the time

breeze Wed 23-Feb-05 15:15:49

I spoke to his teacher who said that the boy was spoken to and was told why he shouldn't have behaved that way, he then did/was make to say sorry to my ds. I feel the way the school have dealth with it was ok.

If the mother had just come up to me, we would of had a conversation about boys eh, and nothing more would of been said.

Its great hearing different peoples views. I do think a lot of it goes on at pre-school/nursery, these are younger children and more common I suppose.
I just felt mortified and had to speak to the mother of the daughter who my son cut with the scissors (it was her ear and they were playing hairdressers).
I am glad I spoke to her because she was worried that her daughter was being picked on my son, although she had only heard of this incident it did make her worry, but after speaking to me, we even had a hug as both were worrying un-necessarily.

I do think I would always try to approach, whether the parents accept is another matter, I wouldn't feel right not to.

woodpops Wed 23-Feb-05 15:25:44

Did he cut her hair as well Breeze. I think I'd be mortified if my dd hair got cut by a friend

breeze Wed 23-Feb-05 15:29:48

lol, no he pretended to cut away, she turned her head and it caught her ear.

I was a little mortified as she had long blonde hair and wanted it cut my my ds's

Chandra Wed 23-Feb-05 15:35:37

I can not speak about school problems but in the nursery DS attends they have the policy to let you know if your child has been attacked or has attacked someone, but they don't tell you who was the culprit or the victim so it's difficult to do anything.

DS got a good bite in a hand some months ago, they told me about the problem and told me they have notified the other children parents. Then we met this lovely couple whose child is the same age as DS and attends the same nursery and they told us that they were furious because another child had scratched their DS, that they felt like go and bang the door of the parents of the child but where not given any name. Considering how close DS and this child are, and how DS plays sometimes, I suspect the scratcher was DS, I mentioned that it could have been DS but they didn't believe it, then I mentioned DS's bitting accident a month before and they went red, they have been notified of their DS biting a child. So people can feel very embarrased but sometimes it may be the case that they just don't know how to approach you.

woodpops Wed 23-Feb-05 15:38:22

LOL, I think you did the right thing talking to the mum. Especially as she'd only been told your ds had cut her dd ear with sisscors. I'd be really worried but then when you explained it was all totally innocent. Bless. What did your dh say when told ds was playing hairdressers

happymerryberries Wed 23-Feb-05 15:42:10

I did. My ds was a biter for a little while and he bit a child in his class. They school informed me and I appologised to the mother of the little boy (ds was 2.5 at the time and the school had already got him to say sorry to the little boy). She was very kind about the whiole thing. This was helped by the fact that we were already friendly (not friends IYSWIM).

I can see why sometimes people don't do it. Jimjam's case is one valid one, and another is that parents may be worried that the injured child's parents could be offensive or even lash out themselves

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