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Daughters classmate has been touching her private parts. I need advise please

(58 Posts)
whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 20:59:20

Sorry for the daft name - It's all I can think of right now. I am a name changer as I want to keep this sensitive matter private.I am always recomending MN and don't want her or me to be recognised.

DD has just anounced today that a boy in her class has been touching her inside her knickers and pinching her bottom.It was going on before the end of last term and has happened again this week.

She is six and has mentioned that he is one of her boyfriends and he wants to maryy her - you know what they are like. Anyway,she mentioned it to my mum today. She said when he is doing it she just moves away from him because she dosen't like it and he just moves closer again.

I am calm but feel sick inside right now. I know it is probaly just exploration on his part but I am extrem;y worried and want it to stop.

Please can someone talk to me. I haven't got the first idea of what I am going to say to the teacher. I am not sending her to school until I have spoken to her. I can't send her to school knowing that this is going to happen to her again. How will the school handle it? has anyone got any experience of the same thing?

thisisyesterday Sun 07-Sep-08 21:04:02

gosh whataworry, I can see why you are worried.
my first instinct is that it is just normal exploration on his part. but you're right, it should not be going on.

I would have another chat with your daughter and tell her that if he does it again she should say (loudly) don't touch me there, it's private.
if he keeps doing it then she should find a teacher.

what to say to the teacher? exactly what you've said here. that you're worried for your daughter becasue she doesn't like what is happening and could the teacher please keep an eye on it

savetheplanetdontiron Sun 07-Sep-08 21:04:17

no experience iwth own kids of this thank god but own exp sad this will sound odd but "praise her" for telling someone. it is awful for her but great that she felt she could confide. kids' feelings are often belittled "don't be so silly" and your DD has done brilliantly to talk about it. others will be along with advice but definitely speak to the school. the teacher and maybe the head of pastoral care. it may be innocent exploration on his part but if she hates it and it makes her miserable it is abuse tht has to be stopped. good luck.

edam Sun 07-Sep-08 21:06:02

That does sound horrible but try not to read any adult intent into it. Was dd upset at all or quite matter of fact? Sounds like she's handling it very well in 6yo terms but clearly it does need to be stopped.

Think I'd phone the school as soon as I could and tell them exactly what dd has told you. I'd expect them to watch this little boy carefully so this never happens again and, I dunno, do some work in class about appropriate touch?

edam Sun 07-Sep-08 21:07:09

good point from yesterday about encouraging your dd to speak up if he tries this again.

Yurtgirl Sun 07-Sep-08 21:08:19

I read a similar thread to this a while ago.
The best advice was dont talk to your daughter about it again for now unless she brings it up - ?so you dont put thoughts into her head I think?

Immediately contact the child protection officer at the school who will then proceed as appropriate

DONT talk to the boy involved, his family etc
Just a close friend if you need to but dont blab it about at the school gate iyswim

HTH

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:10:47

Edam- yes she was matter of fact about it.I am sure that it isn't abuse in anyway.She is saying that he is annoying her.

Savethe planet - I have already told her that I am glad that she has been able to tell me.I have told her that I am not cross and she has done nothing wrong.

wheresthehamster Sun 07-Sep-08 21:12:25

Yes, definitely speak to the teacher tomorrow. They will expect (and want) to be told if this is something that has happened more than once.

Is it happening at a certain time like getting changed for PE?

Would she feel more confident for a while wearing trousers?

Sycamoretree Sun 07-Sep-08 21:15:07

Oh god, I would feel sick too, you poor thing. I think the advice about not making it into a big deal for your DD is excellent. Also, really give her praise for telling you/your mum - this means she has great confidence in you so that's brilliant. I would immediately contact the school. Chances are this is just curiosity on his part gone a bit too far, but you just never know. To me 6 seems a bit young to have the boldness (if that's the right kind of expression - sorry) to go so far as to touch your DD inside her pants. Bottom pinching or squeezing/kiss chase - all things I would expect, but not this.

Gosh, that said, my DD (3) is always trying to grab DS (1year)bits - she's completely fascinated. But this really isn't the same, is it.

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:15:43

Yurt - no that wasn't my intention. I actually don't even know the boy or his parents by site anyway. I want this kept private. I have two sons and if it was them doing it to a girl, I would be deverstaed if people found out.

The little boy probaly doesen't even know that it's wrong.DD told me that he has a little sister. I think his mum should be informed by the school.

Yurtgirl Sun 07-Sep-08 21:18:02

I could be totally wrong but Ive got it in my head that a high % of kids who behave as that boy is, are in fact being abused themselves in some way

You cant and shouldnt just assume that it isnt abuse - Lets all hope it isnt but supposing it is........

thisisyesterday Sun 07-Sep-08 21:21:34

yurt I think speaking to the school is enough.

it is more likely to be just general exploration.

but tbh the school may well have a better idea if it could be something more, and will act appropriatelyif necessary

Yurtgirl Sun 07-Sep-08 21:24:49

Whataworry - I know it wasnt! I was just remembering all the marvellous advice I read in a thread a while ago

It was a memorable thread in which the mother procrastinated for ages (well several days) about whether or not to tell the school etc. I dont know what happened in the end.

I hope it all works out for the best - I would hate something like that to happen to my kids

Twims Sun 07-Sep-08 21:25:09

Would def speak to the teacher - face to face if poss.

Hope it is all sorted and well done to your daughter for speaking up

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:28:59

Thanks Yurtgirlsmile

I feel so bloody nervous and sick inside right now.It's a huge and serious accusation.

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:29:43

Sorry about my typo. I am shaking like a leaf

Caz10 Sun 07-Sep-08 21:32:12

Yes, as someone else said, I would be quite worried about the boy tbh, and would raise it with the school for his sake as much as your dd's. NOT meaning to lessen your concern for her etc, it must be extremely distressing. She sounds like a sensible wee soul.

In the first instance the teacher can at least make sure they are not seated together and playground supervisors can keep an eye on it too.

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:32:55

I didn't mean I was going to go in their with all guns blazing.

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:35:05

God this is awful.

I am training to be a teaching Assistant and I have a placement in the school. I know most of the lunchtime supervisors too. There is no way I want this getting out.

Caz10 Sun 07-Sep-08 21:36:21

if it's a small school the HT is most likely the CP person anyway.

trousers a good suggestion too, if she will feel more comfortable?

Sycamoretree Sun 07-Sep-08 21:36:25

Whataworry - don't shake! You're breaking my heart. Listen, something wierd like this happened to me around this age, though oddly it was the older girl on my street who was doing it (she was two years older than me, I was 7). I hated it, but didn't know how to say no or stop it. I never told anyone - yet still it had absolutely no lasting effect or damage to me - even at the time I seemed to understand it was just her role playing something or "practising for when she was older" or some such crapola. I think it's probably more common than people imagine.

your DD is so obviously taking it in her stride and not that freaked out or shamed about it if she has told you, so that's all good. TO her, it's just an annoyance, so you will speak to the teacher and make sure she's not "annoyed" anymore.

Caz10 Sun 07-Sep-08 21:37:46

yes that is a good point sycamore - we tend to put adult slant on it in our minds - your dd won't be thinking that way, just that it's annoying

morningpaper Sun 07-Sep-08 21:39:39

when I was around 8 at (catholic) school it was quite normal for us to put our hands inside each others underwear blush

When is it happening?

bluejellybean Sun 07-Sep-08 21:40:28

You MUST speak to your child's teacher, don't approach the child's parents, similar things like this happen quite alot in this age group, as a teacher I have handled a few!
Don't worry, you will be taken seriously and this matter WILL be addressed by the school in a professional way.

whataworry Sun 07-Sep-08 21:45:22

bluejellybean - great to have a teachers point of view.I am sure it does happen lots. I want it to be handled as it is and if there is anything more to it then taken further.

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