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My mum passed away and i feel guilty sometimes.........

(5 Posts)
Imawurzel Sat 30-Aug-08 21:21:29

Not quite sure where this should go....
Anyway, my mum passed away unexpectedley last wednesday (20th) i have had crying bouts but not much. I feel guilty sometimes for not being as upset as my sister and brothers.
Yes i am upset,i forget, then something triggers the fact that i'm not ever going to see my mum again. then i cry torrents.
i feel slightly angry sometimes too for my DD, she's only 7 months and she'll never know her nanny.
her funeral is on tuesday coming and i honestly don't know how i'll react.
whether i'll fall to pieces or stay 'dry'. i go through life not really thinking about what's happening, maybe because i don't want to get hurt or something, i don't know.
I don't really know what i'm asking of people here, but thought it might make me feel a bit better by writing it all down.
because she was in hospital for nearly a month recovering from 2 ops,part of me still thinks she's there.
I've seen her twice since the 20th, and i didn't like either time, i'm off to see her again on monday with the others and dad. but i don't feel i can say that i don't want too. but then i do, but don't. hmm
i'm the baby of the family so have always have felt i've got todo what the others do.
Sorry for the essay.
Off to bed soon so will check on in the morning for any replies.
thanks if you actually got this far.

shrinkingsagpuss Sat 30-Aug-08 21:33:10

We all handle death, dying and grief in different ways. My dad died 3 yrs ago, from breast cancer. i am a nurse - I knew he was dying from the first diagnosis of metastatic disease. i had time to get used to it. My siblings didn't realize as quickly as me, and when suddenly it hit home, they were devastated. They both had time off work before and after he died, where I just got on with it.

What i am trying to say is, it is hard to not feel guilty for not being as openly grief stricken but you have a baby to care for, and you have to continue your life - your mum would have wanted you to. If you don't want to visit your mum, tell them - explain why though - perhaps it is that you don't feel it is her there anymore, and you would rather remember her in life.

I saw my dad once, just after he died. I wanted quiet time with him, to tell him I loved him, and my mum came in to check I was ok, so I never said it.

Dn't do things to please others (except maybe your Dad), but do explain why you feel the way you do, if you can, as it will help them understand.

Life does go on, and yu will grieve in your own way, as you are. Sometimes still, something happens, and I nealry pick the phne up to ring Dad. It breaks my heart.

Take care hope the fineral goes ok.

AMumInScotland Sat 30-Aug-08 21:34:05

Firstly, I'm really sorry about your loss - it can be really hard to lose someone, specially when it was unexpected.

Don't feel bad that you aren't "feeling what you're supposed to" or reacting the way your sister and brothers are - everyone is different, everyone has a different way of reacting to things - I don't suppose you even react to little things exactly the same as they do, never mind something as big as this.

this site has stuff about the stages of grief, which might help you to get your head round how you're feeling and reacting. But the really important thing is that you are feeling how you are feeling, and it's not wrong, even if it's different from the others and not how you expected.

Imawurzel Sat 30-Aug-08 21:38:19

thank you for that. i'll see how i feel on monday, we've got an appointment with her at 10.30. i feel like i should go, but i don't like seeing her lying there with no smile on her face.
i felt emotionless when we went yesterday.

I'm sorry you lost your dad, not many people know men can get breast cancer too.
It's not widely known.
Thanks again.

Imawurzel Sat 30-Aug-08 21:39:53

thanks amum, i'll go check that site tomorrow, going to bed soon as i don't know what time missy'll wake up. She's still waking 2/3 times a night.
So tired.

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