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Dd's 'overbearing friend'

(4 Posts)
TinyGang Wed 16-Feb-05 11:12:13

I'm concerned that my dd (6yrs and in yr1) is being rather pushed around by another girl with whom she became friendly in reception.

My dd is fairly easy going and has been friendly to this child even though they appear to be total opposites in character. The other girl tbh seems quite, well, overbearing and not especially likeable and I think she may be clinging onto dd because she does not have much success with other children, which of course is not a nice situation for her.

Dd to begin with was happy to be friendly and include her in what she was doing, but since they went into yr1 last Sept. the girl 'will not let me', as dd says, play with anyone else. This is starting to isolate my dd, and if she tries to move on the girl says to her she can 'force her' again not my words (in fact they are the girls words to my dd!), to do as she says, ie not play with anyone else. It seems she wants total control of the friendship and only on her terms.

I have offered my dd every strategy in the book to try and deal with this situation herself; never to be unkind (which she wouldn't) but to point out that this isn't on at all. To no avail; the girl seems to know exactly which buttons to push to keep my dd from socialising with others whenever my dd chooses. My dd is very worried the girl will get her told off if she tries to play elsewhere. Nothing I say to the contrary seems to convince her otherwise.

Eventually I went to see the teacher, who was very interested and kind and said she'd try to come up with some general 'chats' in the class about friendship and keep an eye on the situation. She seemed genuinely keen to sort this out and I think she will do what she can.

The trouble is, just after I spoke to her she went off sick for a week. She is only there for half the week anyway as the post is job shared 50/50 with another teacher who at this point had not had the opportunity to be informed about my chat with the other teacher. By the time the teacher came back, it was coming up to half term and although she said to me one day she had not forgotten about our conversation, two weeks had gone by without any action. We are now into half term (as you all know, of course!)

In those last two weeks, things seemed to get a bit worse for dd with the girl. Although I had said to the teacher that dd was willing to be friends, but perhaps not so exclusively, my dd has since told me she does not want to be her friend anymore - I think there was an incident where this 'forcing to do things' pushed my dd too far once too often.

Sorry this has rambled on - I can't believe this hasn't happened elsewhere though. Any advice? I feel the teacher may need to be looking at this more specifically now rather than the general 'play it down' approach she and I initially thought might be best.

It's all rather awkward too because the girl's mum is a nice person who always says hello to me. The girls even had tea together when they first got to know each other in reception. I don't want to be unkind because clearly the girl needs to sort out how to treat her friends, but I'm afraid dd has to come first in all this with me.

FrenchGirl Wed 16-Feb-05 11:21:35

Tinygang we have been there with dd (5 and a half in year 1 as well) and it has been handled very efficiently I think by the teachers. A 'general chat' won't do it. I spoke to dd's teacher who kept an eye on things and noticed the problem too. The other girl is in a different class so her teacher was informed and a note went to the girl's parents (as she was being 'pushy' with other children but dd was the worst affected as she is laid back like your dd)to talk to her about how to behave with other children. All teachers who are on duty in the playground have been informed and dd goes to them as soon as the other girl approaches her, and they find someone else to play with the other girl so that dd can play with her own friends. Dd feels safe now that she knows she can go to an adult for help.
I hope both your dd's teachers get this in hand asap for your dd's sake. I would definitely have a word with both next week.
Good luck and hugs to your dd xxxx

TinyGang Wed 16-Feb-05 13:00:59

Bump! Anyone else?

Thank you Frenchgirl - very helpful and kind post . You're right - I'm going to have to revisit this I think with the teacher.

TinyGang Wed 16-Feb-05 19:27:28

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